I'm Free!

I have now escaped the world of the Carol and Chandra Yris. The past few days, I have been stressed driving. I hate driving, punctuated by a nice meeting with a friend from TSC, but then more driving. But finally we arrived into Provo. I have been in love with Utah since getting here. The weather is beautiful, and I have my own kitchen, where I can cook at all hours of the day or night, cook what I want, and just be free as a bird to do whatever I want, without any intervention. 

In conclusion, I am happy to be back in Utah, even if just for a few days, and I am glad to be gone from Texas. Little things have just been making me so happy all day, and I love playing with my nieces and talking to my sister. They make me so happy. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me

I am so angry. I almost boiled over, and I came from a non-angry state. It was like happy to angry in 0-60 in .5 seconds. Carol came home from class, and was doing whatever she does, and I made the mistake of not immediately running back to the bedroom, as I was in the middle of a game of mafia. And then, she is walking out of the room, and looks over, and is like "Boy, you didn't drink any of that water while I was gone" and I was up in flames, and almost the words "Get the freak off of him about drinking water" passed my lips. I controlled my words, but I was angry nonetheless. So I told Janardan I needed to go, and I came back to the bedroom. When there was no one to talk to on the computer, I decided to take a bath, which I did, and then I took a walk. 

I am just tired of the flagrant disrespect that Janardan receives. He is an adult. He can take care of drinking water if he is so inclined. He obviously had water if he wanted it, so there should be no concern. And I am upset, because nothing will make her change, and so the only thing to do is to move away. So in 15 days, we will leave, and she will ever be the same annoying person who doesn't know how to care about people, and only knows how to make people miserable. What a great legacy. 

It seems like some freak accident that she got Janardan as a son, that he resisted the natural flow to become more like her in all his growing up years. 

I don't care what the cause is, it is a great injustice in my eyes when someone berates (even when they think they are doing something to "care" for someon) someone that I love and adore so much. And I don't care how nicely she says it. When you say something that turns someone into a 3-year-old instead of a 23-year-old, that is disrespectful. Not that she even knows what respect is. 

It hurts me to see her treat him that way. It makes me being cringe. Meh, I will have some serious work to do before I am ready to have kids and foist her upon them as a grandmother.

A Buffer

We went out with Janardan's family today, to a museum. And I was worried about the experience, and not sure I was ready for it. I woke up this morning, less than a half hour before we needed to go, after not waking up to my alarm...and then realizing I had never turned it on. I went into TSC, and made a crazy mason mafia game - it's just a joke game, because I knew I didn't have time for a real game. It was the most hilarious game I have played it. genus made it so funny. Like the masons all know who the other masons are, because you meet each other at night. But then he led us to lynch one of the masons, and so we were calling him scum and stuff, just because it was a joke game (scum is a word we use for mafia). And like this guy was like, "Come on guys, you know I'm a mason. We were in a meeting." And we're like, "That is just what the mafia would say!" And it made me laugh so much. 

But it was better than just that too, because it brought a smile to my face, when I was stressing out in the car. The same way it brought peace to me to remember that MK had said he would pray for me. It was like they were this buffer to the world, and they were evidence that I am sane, and that I am cared about, that Janardan is not the only person in the world who cares about me. And so even though I freaked out later, things went ok, and I felt buffered from the world, and the things they said, while they still touched me, felt so much lighter, because the impact had been lessened by my buffers. 

And that makes me appreciate Janardan all the much more, because he is my constant and eternal buffer, and I cannot imagine how much worse this whole experience would have been, living here, had he not been by my side every step of the way. It sometimes takes other people doing the same thing your spouse is doing to appreciate that they are doing something so wonderful. I love Janardan. He is an amazing man. 

And you wonder where she gets it

Chandra has a rice cooker. And I avoided using it, because I figured there would be some sort of drama with it. But then she started making drama about me not using it, so I started using it to avoid drama, figuring I would switch back when the drama about its use came. I have been surprised, though, that it did not come sooner, and so thought it would not come. But it has come. Carol washes the bowl in the dishwasher, and Chandra doesn't like that, so she told Janardan rudely (ok it's the only way she knows how to communicate) that if I am going to use her rice cooker, I should wash it manually. So I don't appreciate her rudeness, but I can respect her property. 

But, you know, Carol can't. As in Janardan tells me this is going on, so I'm like ok. And then I go out to the kitchen and Carol is putting the rice cooker bowl in the dishwasher. So I come back to my room, and ask Janardan if Chandra told her mom. He says yes. But that Carol was being dumb about it, ignoring that the dishwasher was doing anything to it, and anyway, "It only costs $15." Which made me flash with anger. I remember a month or so ago, Carol calling Chandra spoiled because she didn't want to get a movie from Redbox on the free day, and would just go and pay the $1 a different day if she wanted to see a movie. For not wanting to save $1, Chandra gets called spoiled. But then, Chandra's rice cooker doesn't deserve respect, because it only costs $15. And you wonder where Chandra gets her rudeness from.

Imagine this scenario:

You work as the officer in a company, so you work very hard there, are busy all day, working 12 hours, sometimes more. You have a boss who can be a bit temperamental and tends towards yelling. Then, when you come home, you are assaulted by complaint after complaint by your wife, who is not only complaining about all aspects of your life, but placing blame on you as well. 

I really don't know how Art handles it. Perhaps it is because he does not know what she is like when he is not around. He never sees her not complaining, and so assumes it is her mode of operating...which to be fair, it is. But, there is a distinct change in her pinning it on someone as soon as he walks in the door. Her complaints are then about him, not about the world in general wronging her. 

The end of my time here is approaching. I am looking forward to moving on. I am also feeling the strange feeling I did when considering moving here. I do not know what Utah will hold for me, and it feels a bit strange that I will not spend the rest of my life trapped in this bedroom, yearning for some sense of caring for me outside of my husband. I hope not that I will never need such an experience again, because such experiences have led to great growth in my life, but rather the future experiences I have will not have to be this particular experience. I don't know that I have learned all I should from the experience, but there have been beautiful things that have come as a result. The list could be rather long, and extensive, so I will just name some of the best things that have come.

1 - My relationship with Janardan has been strengthened in more ways than imagineable. We have experienced great adversity here, and it has only served to bring us closer together. 

2 - I've made friends with MK. He's from TSC, and he's chronically ill also, so he understands that. My love for Janardan gives him hope for someone to love him, and so his appreciation of my marriage makes me love my marriage that much more. 

3 - I have found a community. This is directly because of the two above. I have become a part. I know I blogged about TSC on my regular blog, but it is a place where I feel accepted and cared about, and that is something I have needed desperately being here. 

And so yeah, while there have been times I have hated living here, and there has been a lot of drama, and I have learned some of the lower parts of my personality, I am struck by how there is always the possibility for greater beauty in adversity. Sometimes it is good for life to be hard, because it is then that the most precious joys can come to you. So I can say that I am glad I came here, and would not change it any other way, but it was still tremendously difficult, and one of the least sane times of my life. But in this, too, there is beauty. 

Undervalued

Carol thinks we need a full-time nurse for Janardan when we go back to Utah. He disabused her of the notion that we would take one, but I am still higly insulted. And Chandra thinks that she does as much for Andy as I do for Janardan. I may stay in my room the majority of the day playing Mafia, but I still do pretty much everything for Janardan. I get his pills together, make his meals. I would do the dishes, but they are always gone by the time I go out for them, so I have stopped trying. As in like, it is not like I am sitting around here doing nothing all day. I am capable of doing stuff. Forget that I make dinner for the family four nights a week, in addition to all of Janardan's other meals, forget that I get his medicine, and fetch him everything else he needs. 

I am just sick of being surrounded by people who don't see all that I am doing. Let's just say I am ready to leave here. I will not be sad when this month is over. 

Conflict Makes Me Feel Lonely

I don't feel like detailing the drama, but I am tired. I have spent the past week in another world, throwing myself into online games, and into Janardan's community, and it has been such a happy place. But today I was snatched back to reality, that I do actually live here, in Texas, and not out in the ether. 

I am tired. 30 more days. We set Janardan's final appointment. Though the problems with his family still need to be resolved, and I hope they will be over time (they mostly revolve around Carol's personal problems with herself), I am so happy that we can have a strong marriage, and that we are both learning to take care of ourselves, so that we will not perpetuate similar problems onto our children, though of course we will have our own set of problems. 

I am tired. I know that's how I started the last paragraph, but I am. One more month. That is what I tell myself, and I can give into my urge, and run away from all of these problems. Run back to the ones I know, and that can be worked on. 

My name is Jennie and I am a carnivore. 

I'm Back

So going to New York was really good. Like I got a flavor for real life again. But now I am back here, and I feel like I am back to being oversensitive and caring too much about inconveniencing people etc. But I am glad I went to New York, besides for the awesome 10 days I had, but because it has left me with the impression that there actually can be an end to this experience, that 45 days will tick down, and I will get to pack up our car and we will leave. Having an apartment that we know we are going to be living in is probably helping with that as well. 

On another note, there has been a study showing that the brains of vegetarians shrink faster than that of non-vegetarians. So, go meat eating!

Anyway, so I am back, and already facing the weird drama associated with feeding Janardan. And feeling more like a nervous wreck, and you know, being generally more nervey. So there you go. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel - by which I mean - there is an end to the tunnel. 

Elation and Apathy

I feel elated right now. I just finished a book, and it made me soo happy. It just restored my faith in the universe. And to that, I feel like I have an impenetrable bubble that no Chandra and Carol can mar. Chandra is decidedly pissed at the world, and directs that at me right now, but I am still shiningly happy, because I know there is nothing I can do about it. Not one speck of worry, not even changed actions will make her feel differently, so trying is pointless, so I can feel free to feel elated, and to frankly not care at all what they think and feel. I have let myself be vulnerable for a while, now, you know, in the hopes of it yielding good results. But they are the dragons, and I am not living in ice, so for now, even invisioning a friendship is pointless. When they move to the ice, perhaps I will follow, and there we can be friends. But now, I will leave my defenses up in regards to them, while leaving them bare for all those who don't assault me. And I will revel in the joy. 

Today I feel the power of my own power to decide - the reach of my own grasp, the power of agency. I have the power to choose to not let them in now. I have the power to not care now. And I have the power to find here, even in the closest thing to hell that I have ever been. That is my perogative. And I will take it. These devils will not molest me. (Speaking figuratively of course, I don't really think they are devils. Haha)

Difference of Interpretation

So today Carol said that they were going to make new side dishes for dinner. (There has been rumblings of such ever since we got here, so I was surprised that she actually seemed to be making motions toward an actual result). The side dishes being Indian food. 

So when I sat down at the dinner table, I was somewhat shocked to look around the table and it look pretty much exactly the same as it has many other times when they have cooked Indian, with a small cereal-bowl filled with a new side dish. I had envisioned that there would be at least two (because of the use of the plural) and I envisioned there would be more than one scoop for each person at the table. 

I talked to Janardan after dinner, and he said that he had envisioned much the same thing I had. And it was interesting to realize how much trying new things is a part of who we are as a couple, and how much it isn't for his parents. Like they have eaten the same Indian meal for the past however many years, so instituting one small bowl of something else constitutes a significant change to them, whereas a change like that for me would be little worth noting, unless it was exceptionally yummy or gross. 

And so tonight I write to express a difference, without placing a value on the difference, which the lack of emotion is something I am rather happy about. I guess today hearing Janardan's exacatly same reaction to that side dish made me realize that there are things that don't work for Janardan in this family, and they certainly don't work for me, but they may work for Art and Carol's marriage. Janardan after a life of bland food and little variety, is happy to be married to me with my adventurous cooking, and enjoyment of providing variety. And I am happy that he has digestizymes so he can enjoy eating, and we can share that. 

Stress

My new main objective in life is to avoid as much interaction with Carol as possible, because being around her generally just causes me a great deal of stress, because she is stressed, and because her mode of living stresses me out. So I can generally go along fairly peacefully, but once a month he has an appointment, and we go out together for a few hours. I was so stressed by it yesterday. 

I came home and felt ill, and so I tried doing some relaxation, but I still felt ill. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was failing at taking care of myself, and like there was nothing that I could do. And then I started to feel nauseaous, and I threw up everything I'd had for lunch. Then food poisoning entered my mind as the more likely culprit of most of my symptoms, though I was sure that the stress didn't help. 

But really, I have felt a lot more sick this past month, and I would say the main reason is due to stress. I feel like it is so hard to take care of myself. And I was really sad yesterday, yet again, because I was looking forward to going to New York and just throwing myself into sewing projects, and just going going going. But really, I think I need to just give myself time to rest, give myself a break. I am sad, and I am angry at Carol - that she causes me so much stress that the time that I get to have with my sister and my mom, I don't get to just sew and sew and have lots of fun, I just get to actually rest and destress. I feel like she is stealing my sanity away from me. 

I am soo tired. I am so tired of every second of my life being consumed with having to take care of my mental and physical health. It is like all I think about. Take care of myself, and then do the few tasks that mutually take care of Janardan and me - like making food. And I am upset that Carol lives here in the middle of stupid concrete so that it hurts my knees and hips to run, so I feel like I shouldn't run anymore, til I get back to Utah. I just feel like I gave up so much to be here, and now that I am here, I am giving up so much more than I thought I would. I never thought I would feel so...close to insane. 

But I am sure the Lord has some purpose in making us stay here two more months. I'm angry at him too, but I still trust him. It's like I need some purpose in my life for the next two months, and just staying sane isn't purpose enough. I can't write, but I can work on my politics blog, but that's not very consuming. I'm working on a sewing project, but once again, I can't just go go go on that. I think really I just want to use the time to read lots of books, to just be learning more what people write, and finding books that I love. But I don't really have the patience for any books that I am not sure about, and wading through to find a really good book. 

There are good moments too though. Like last night when I was feeling so sick, feeling so ill, and I was just telling the Lord I would do anything to feel better. And then I started kind of asking myself how true that was. Asking myself - would I stay sick and feel that crappy for the rest of my life if Janardan could feel better? And the answer was yes, and I felt a new depth to myself. That I could say that to myself not just when I felt healthy, but when I felt like utter crap, when I felt so weak that I couldn't stop myself from yelling at him, which I never do. I was thinking about it, and I was like - compared to dying for somebody, staying sick for the rest of your life for them would be an even greater sacrifice. Dying you just end the pain. It was an odd thought, but anyway. Though I'm not sure I would die to make Janardan feel better. 

Janardan gave me a blessing while I was sick, a blessing that I would be strong, and some other things too. I asked him after the blessing if he was sure it was the right blessing. He called me a hater. I said - I meant that I wasn't sure the Lord was right, so I was an even bigger hater than he thought. 

I've been thinking a lot about a quote from C.S. Lewis while I've been here. 

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of–throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

It is hard to feel strong when all my walls are being knocked down, when all I feel like I am being left with is a pile of rubble, not the cottage I used to have. But if it is what I need to come out of this on the other side a better person, a better wife to my husband, a better writer, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend - I guess that is worth it. Six months seemed like not such a long time when we decided to come here. And I will probably look back at the end and think it did not seem so long. But right now - two months seems like an eternity. I am already starting plans for us leaving - what meals to make, where to stop etc. But it is more the plans of dreams, because I feel like it will never come. I will be here forever, and I will eventually go insane.

Exhausted

I opened up this thing for a new post, but don't really have anything to write about. I am just tired. Exhausted. This house is draining me, and all the going to other people's houses and visits can't make me feel rejuvenated. Maybe my 3 days away, then my 10 days away will do it. I really hope so, because I don't want to feel so depleted for the next 68 days.

I am even feeling less anger and bitterness, because I have decided that liking Carol is not currently an attainable goal. So now that I am not trying to like her, it is a lot easier to not hate her. But, I am still exhausted. All the pressure and unpredictability of this household is pulling on me.

I feel like I have a tiny resevoir of sanity, and it is sometimes filled up just a little - like the night we got away, but now I feel like it is pretty close to empty, so I am just tired, trying to conserve, and put as little pressure as possible on those few drops of sanity.

My actions have been much the same throughout my time of being here. Except when I was making dinner a lot. (Carol told me this week that I didn't need to worry about making dinner for everybody).

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but most the time I don't, because I don't really let myself feel it. I let everything wash over me in a wave of tiredness. I don't know how to face it all, so I don't. I just need it to be over.

So I count down the days, and look forward to seeing my family, where I can be surrounded by the embrace of sanity that extends much farther than arms, that reaches the mind, and lifts up the heart. We're going to play games with my dad. We are going to sew (well I am going to sew) with my mom and my sister. I am going to hold my nieces on my lap and read books to them. I want to be surrounded by people who love, and regain my sanity.

The Lord Has Prepared Me

I was sitting in church today, thinking about enduring the next 73 days, and it just struck me how the Lord has prepared me for this experience, in so many different ways. From living with my dad and having to struggle to find my own faith, and work on my own for my beliefs, to all the drama Janardan and I had with roommates while we were dating. And lots of other ways as well. And it just made me think of another way that I am uniquely qualified to be Janardan's wife. I may not being doing as well here as I would have hoped, and I may find it harder to love people here than I thought it would be, but I'm surviving, and I can stick to it for 73 more days. And by letting myself have this experience, I am sure I will be prepared for some other thing that the Lord has in store for me, though I hope that is more enjoyable :(

I meant to blog a positive

I mean to like blog this while I was still, you know, excited about it, and not on the next thing to vent and be hurt about. But alas.

Anyway, so on Monday, Chandra said that she and Andy were going to go out to dinner, like as a date night like me and Janardan. I guess it was the first time I felt like I have actually had some sort of positive impact here, and it was one that I think is big, and if they keep it up, something that will really help their relationship and marriage.

And having a night away was great. I was actually no anxiety, no stress, and just so relaxed and peaceful. It was great. And it did recharge my batteries somewhat, but I am still living here, so there is still stress, and I feel like I am still combating the possibility of getting depressed. So I am trying to keep to myself more.

Anyway, so this morning Chandra accused me of breaking the toilet seat. And once she set up her case, then I said that I probably did break the toilet seat. So the point of that was....nothing. And Carol replaced it with some other seat, and is like "You can't sit on it like a chair," which I don't know what means. Like...really...if anyone has any idea, please leave a comment. But it still bothers me.

Like let's say it is me and the way I sit on the toilet that is causing all of these problems. I don't really know what to do about it, because I haven't had problems with a toilet seat before this one, so I really don't know what to do about it. It's not like I am going around trying to break all the toilet seats in the world, so obviously there is a problem, perhaps with me, perhaps with the integrity of the seat. I really don't even want to use a toilet, but think other people would be weirder about me squatting in a bucket. So there ya go.

I really hate living here. Like this past week is the first time I've really admitted that to myself. I am constantly stressed, and though I do not have as much anxiety as I did a few weeks ago, I still have anxiety constantly. And nothing I do is good enough. But it's not that I am really failing in some way, because Chandra and Carol are never happy with anything. They complain about everything and everybody, so it's not like there is anything I can do to stop it. I can just stop one source of complaints, but then they will just use something else as a source of complaint. There is nothing I can do to avoid the situation.

My personality is to mold myself to avoid drama, but I can't do that here. There is nothing I can do to stop the things that bother me here from happening. It is folly to do so anyway, and half of what causes me stress. I should just accept that they are going to think I fail at life, and that it inconveniences their lives for me to be here, but I can't accept that. I don't like to be an inconvenience, and I don't like people to think badly of me.

So the countdown continues.

Sometimes I feel so snotty

Like I feel like screaming that I'm not snotty, I'm not! It is this situation that is tearing away my sanity. Like Carol announces to Janardan that she wants me to help with acorns in the fall. And it like immediately starts to make me feel like crap, and I am like - why? I don't mind helping. But it's not because she's asking me to do something - because she's not. She never asks. She assigns. If she asks me to do something (on the rare occasion that she does) I am more than willing to do it. But I don't like being assigned chores like I am 5-years old. Pretty much anything she requests that I do, I will do, but I hate hate hate being assigned to do things when there is no reason for her to feel like she is in a position of power over me. She is not my boss, and I am not a child. I am a freakin' adult. We are here in Texas, living here in her house...at her request. I didn't ask her to take care of us, and so I don't feel obligated to kowtow to any assignment she gives me. Not that I won't do it, because inevitably I will, because I would rather swallow my own pride and just wait until I can bust out of here than cause even more drama and increase the likelihood that I am perceived as lazy and a non-contributing member of the family.

And my sanity is slowly creeping away. I just really want to leave, right now. I just want to pack up the car, get in, and drive...anywhere. As in I really wish we were living with either of my parents right now and not his. Because my parents are easier to deal with...for both of us. I just want to be around people who love and care about me, and who recognize my worth. I think how different it was to hear my dad tell a story about how I would subvert him in getting me to do chores, and he seemed to take pride in that fact, that I had my own special way of doing things. He didn't think I was lazy, but that I was smart. And here, I help out and do whatever, and don't subvert people, but still I am unappreciated. There is no stability. I tried to talk to Carol again about this week specifically what days I want to make meals, and she said "Well nothing has to be set in stone" and I am like...I want to have it set in stone. I want to have something predictable and dependable, because nothing in this house is. The only things that are dependable are the things that I decide to do or that Janardan decides to do. Yes, you heard me, Janardan is dependable. With all his sickness and all the fluctuating factors of his life that make him so unpredictable, in this household, he is the most predictable thing there is.

As in I am hoping things will settle down a little when Chandra and Carol start up school again, then maybe they will be more scheduled and stable. I just want to run away. Far far far away. It is 12 days to Austin, but that still sounds like so long. I wish I hadn't read the Twilight series, and I could throw myself into them for a few days. I keep waiting for Breaking Dawn. I need a book that is enthralling and just takes me away. So, any really good fantasy book suggestions, I am open to them. I just want to get away from this house, if I can't run away in body, then at least I can take a vacation of mind, throw myself into a book, and do nothing else but read.

So, I not looking for books that are like necessarily really good books, though that is good - I am looking for something gripping, where I can't put it down. I just want something that pulls me in so it is hard to get out, because being trapped in a book sounds so lovely.

Taking Care of Yourself - A Top Priority

Thank you for your support. Sometimes I just get so locked up in now that I lose perspective, and wonder if maybe what people think about me here might be true. Though I don't really think that, just you know, emotionally.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, about how Janardan's mom doesn't take care of herself. And I can understand the impulse. It seems like such a common thing in our society - you put the kids first - everything for the children, and then you are second...or third...or fourth, and people don't end up taking good care of themselves. But I look at her, with her aches and pains, and all that is going wrong for her healthwise, and she is not taking care of herself. She is really in no position to be taking any care of Janardan really, because she's not doing a good job of taking care of herself. Like she can't be an asset to him because of that, even though she is trying to put him first.

And I understand the predicament. I was forced by overwhelming depression to overcome it, so I understand the way it can become all about Janardan, the person who is so much more sick. But at some point, you have to take care of yourself first. I learned that I am nothing to Janardan if I am trying to do everything for him, but can't really do it, because I don't have enough energy, haven't recharged my batteries. Even here where my focus is on helping Janardan get better, I still take care of myself first. I make sure I exercise and study my scriptures - the two backbones to a healthy me. And even doing those things, I've been feeling myself go on the verge of depression again, and so I'm trying to do more to prevent that from happening, trying to make friends in the area so I can get out of the house and socialize with people who don't dislike me.

The clinic that Janardan is going to, Art has been pushing Carol to go to it for a number of years, but she says that it makes more sense to get Janardan better first. While that may be so, it is already evident to me that it would have been very beneficial for her to go first, and get taken care of, but she's not willing to spend money on taking care of herself, which is so stupid. It makes me angry. Like she has no right to be angry with Janardan for not doing what is best for him in her eyes when she is not even trying to do what is best for her in her own eyes if she actully thought about taking care of herself. Like, she believes in exercise, but she doesn't exercise now, and it is just like...her not taking care of herself makes everyone around her miserable, not just her, and that causes more stress to Janardan living here, so it is not helpful.

As in I guess it just bothers me because she complains about how she hurts all day long, how she can't sleep well, but she doesn't do anything about it, and like when I say complain, I mean complain. And then she will say that she is feeling better now than she has ever felt. I don't buy it. What I do buy is her not being self-aware. I hope Janardan gets her to go to therapy.

How am I doing?

I feel like I have been taking a beating to my self-esteem since I have started living here, and so while I am still pretty happy with myself, I doubt myself with others, except Janardan, because he is there, and I know that I do good for him, and he doesn't make me think that I don't. I guess I just feel like I do good for the Yris too, but it is unappreciated, and I wonder if I am just deluding myself or something, so I am asking for your solidarity and support. I guess I know that a few people read this, but today I am asking you to tell me how you think I am doing here. I just need to feel supported today.

The Switch

I came across a blog the other day and it mentioned Fizzy Lizzy, which is some carbonated juice. I was like -- this is exactly what I have been looking for! Janardan is slowly making a transition away from soda, but he has been depressed that the only other options for drinking are juice. So I have been trying to think and look out for interesting drinks that might make him excited to drink. So we came across the Switch at a target, and I was like - hey would you like to try this, because it boasted of 100% juice, while this other one I had heard of was only 70%, and hey, it was right there. So we got some. And it is good and tasty and he likes it, and now we want to try more.

So now you may be wondering...why is this on my confessions blog and not on my normal blog? It is fairly innocuous, right?

Well...while Janardan is drinking a can one day that I give him with his food, Carol announces that she doesn't like it. Granted, this came after a discussion about the contents of the juice...which are...carbonated water and concentrated juice. Her main complaint is...that it probably has corn syrup in it...even though the label was just read to her, and it did not contain corn syrup. But then she also complains that juices from concentrate are not as good. Which I find ironic, because she buys Minute Maid...which is made from concentrate. But anyway, it is like she fails to grasp that this is not an alternative to juice - it is an alternative to soda.

And she also seems to fail to grasp that who cares if she doesn't like it. It isn't intended for her. It is like me saying to her that I don't like rice pudding. I tell her that to state my preference, not to try and force my opinion on her and stop her from ever ingesting rice pudding. She is just so infuriating in how she wants to control everybody's lives. She is not doing a very good job controlling just her own, so I think she should lay off other people's.

I just get sooooo frustrated, and frankly, I like to subvert her. She says she doesn't like the Switch, I am all geared up to buy tons of it. Like before I would have bought some, as it is somewhat expensive, but now I want Janardan to drink a lot of it, and I will drink some too. Not just because it is really tasty, but because I want to fight the man. I don't want someone trying to control my husband who doesn't try to understand his needs and desires. Everything she does is trying to manipulate him into her own formulations. That is why it pisses me off when she gives me "tips". "I got Janardan to eat a banana by cutting it into slices." Instead of, "It seemed like Janardan liked it when I sliced up his banana.

She betrays her desire for control in everything she says, and it bothers me. I've been concerned about Janardan's soda intake for years, but I don't try to force him to stop, I try to work with him, to tell him what is bad about all the sugar, how he isn't getting any nutrients, etc. And so now when he is trying to work on being healthy, he is open to alternatives to soda, but on trying only juice, he is tired by it, and it does not offer enough variety. So I have tried to keep a look out for things that may interest him, and I found something that is not only interesting, but pretty dang healthy.

It's like...she thinks she has some power over people, and she regrets when she doesn't have power over them, and so she constantly complains about them not conforming to her wishes. Janardan tells her we are going to North Dakota in November - she states reasons why we can't go - don't have snow tires, the pipes might freeze at grandma's house. She can't accept anything. She doesn't even accept that we are moving back to Utah. And it is like...ignoring it will not make it happen any less. But I can't shove that in her face for another two and a half months, so for now, I will have to be content with drinking the variety of flavors of the switch. It really is tasty. I want to try the orange tangerine flavor.

I just hate not being respected. And by I, I mean me or Janardan. Trying to control someone's life is not respect.

Also more on the carnivore side of things, I had a burger a week ago at Fuddruckers - it was delicious. I had been having hardcore steak cravings, and it was sooo yummy, and it was also a place where Janardan could have something he wanted.

Also there was drama over dinner earlier this week. I really don't think Chandra likes it when I cook, but Janardan said she doesn't like it when anybody cooks, so I guess I shouldn't take it too personally. I just don't like to be the cause of drama. I really can't wait to get a break from here. 2 weeks. That is not so bad. I can handle that.

Well...I am off to make a meal plan, so I can put stuff on the grocery list.

I love Janardan's Dad

I've barely seen Janardan's dad, but today Janardan stood up for me with his family, and defended me, and it seemed just like how Art would act.

Adapting to Different Parenting Styles (ie ones that suck)

I am so pissed right now. So pissed. Like...how the crap could Janardan's parents know for months...for MONTHS, that he may not be able to insured under his parents plan and not tell him, me, us. So...while he was previously covered under insurance I had for us, when that ran out, I purchased a plan just for me...since he was covered (presumably I suppose) under his parents' insurance. Apparently, he is supposed to be going to school to get this, and I am sure that they are now upset that they have a moral son who does not want to...hm...commit insurance fraud? I mean...not lie. I just do not understand how they think such information is not relevant for us to have. This makes me just want to leave right now, go back to our own lives, and just take care of everything ourselves. And then when he presses his mom more to try and find out, she suddenly gains interest in what is being said on the tv. And you wonder why it is hard to have an emotional connection with this woman.

As in, if I would have known, I would have tried to get us both insurance, and not just myself, but naive me, I thought that since his parents said he was on their insurance that he was actually on their insurance. And I have asked them about his insurance and how long he will be covered, etc. And they tell me...nothing. 18 days. 18 days until I get a break from here. Less than three months and I am gone from here for good. 18 days.

H2O and all it represents

Janardan doesn't like tap water. This is a fact I got used to...oh about 15 minutes after we started dating. Ok...maybe it took me a week or two. I also don't like tap water that has been out for more than like...an hour or two. Water starts to get yucky after a certain amount of time, and I am very sensitive to the taste and don't like it. So we tried buying spring water once, and I really liked it, because I could leave it out all day and all night, and it still tasted yummy when I went to drink some the next time I wanted water. And Janardan liked it too. So most of our dating and all of our marriage, we have bought spring water and drunk spring water.

So when we got here, I started buying us spring water like always. And...she is always trying to sneak tap water (which Janardan doesn't like as it is pretty much tasteless) into his water bottles. When we went up to North Dakota, he discovered a type of water he liked even better than Spring water. Nestlee Pure Life. It is pretty dang good water. So he requested that I start getting that. Well...it doesn't come in gallon jugs, it only comes in 16 oz. bottles. (Lawyer's daughter moment - there is one other size of small bottle, but I can't remember what it is right now.) Anyway, so she is even more concerned about wasting all of these bottles now that the bottles are even smaller. And so she is even more trying to sneak water in.

The reason she is sneaking it, of course, is because Janardan told her straight up that he doesn't like the tap water, and why he doesn't. For those of you who have ever talked to Janardan, you may realize that this is a form of directness that is virtually unparalleled. I actually heard him say this to his mom, and so I thought that perhaps her water meddling would stop. And it seemed that it had. Until today I asked Janardan to pass me over a bottle of water, and I opened it, and I was like...this doesn't taste good, this can't be the nestlee water. Which of course it wasn't. She is back to her sneaking ways, thinking that he won't notice that she slipped in some other water, and then he will start drinking less water, and she will wonder what is wrong. News flash: He doesn't like you messing with his water and filling it with water he doesn't like. It makes all water look unattractive. It is like looking at a bowl of punch, and he doesn't know whether it's been spiked or not, so it takes away his desire to drink water. Thank you stupid woman.

And it's like the same thing with vegetables. Like she doesn't believe that he is actually allergic to vegetables. She says things to me like, "It's hard to get someone to eat something when they're convinced it'll make them sick." And I am like...he broke out in hives. Is that not something that concerns you? He always gets sicker to his stomach and more general ill after eating a variety of vegetables. No, you must be right, he is deluded into thinking that vegetables are bad for him, because he....likes being unhealthy?

It is no wonder that Janardan never learned to trust anyone when he could never trust his own mother. This isn't just hurting him emotionally either - this is hurting him physically. I am so angry. He specifically and very directly, to the point where it could not be misconstrued, told her that he does not like that water.

She is so passive aggressive. It is so annoying. As in that is something I heartily appreciate about the friction there was with Chandra. It was always direct, and I always knew what she wanted me to do, and she gave me the opportunity to respond (though I rarely did), but at least I could. When Carol is just muttering about stuff, it is like - I can't respond to that, and it makes me not care about it. Chandra got what she wanted, and Carol is not getting what she wants. And look, directness led to friction, which led to getting over friction, which led to...us getting along and getting closer.

As in I am glad I got to weather the Chandra storm, because it is better having her here now that we are getting along. We get to talk, and we are getting closer. It also gives me more fuel for being pissed off at Carol, but whatever. As in today she was saying to Chandra that nothing's certain. She can change the place she wants to have the wedding, just like she can choose not to marry Andy. I heard this through the door in my room. I just like...can't believe she would say that to her. It's not like in the situation it was appropriate at all. And I was actually surprised. Usually Chandra when she is getting ready to blow off her mother gets more angry and disrespectful, but she just told her mom that she really didn't like it when she said that. I was really proud of Chandra, and I hope her mom listened.

And...I really hope Carol gets some counseling.

How to get past having awesome parents

My mom is super supportive. Like...even if it is something she doesn't agree with, give her a little while, and she will do whatever is needed to support me. And that is like on big stuff, and the little stuff, she is just supportive of like naturally, like it is no effort and she is there immediately. So it is hard for me to look at Carol and not be disappointed that Chandra is not getting that treatment.

Carol came home from looking at wedding dresses with Chandra, and Chandra was still out. I asked her how it went, and she expressed disappointment that Chandra made the wrong decision as to which wedding dress, because she didn't choose the one that Carol likes most, but rather chose one that reminds Carol of a 50s-style bathing suit. I happen to share Carol's opinion, that the other dress was much prettier, but that does not mean that I think Chandra made the wrong decision. I think if she loved the other dress more, then she made the right decision. What she wants is most important in the dress-buying scenario.

And so I am like...mad and disappointed with Carol. I am like, step up and be a good mom. Don't pull this crap on your daughter. But I can't tell if it is just because my standards are too high because I have such awesome parents, or because Carol really is falling below the mark.

And it really makes me sad, because I know how much Carol's opinion means to Chandra. Like, she would love it for her mom to be supportive and be happy about her decision. She desires that, and it is evident, but everything Carol does tells Chandra that she isn't good enough, and that she is not as special as Janardan. And that really makes me sad.

The Wonderful World of the Kitchen

I offered to make dinners everyday but Wednesday and Sunday. (Really I wouldn't mind making meals Sunday, but it seems like people generally eat dinner while I am at church, so that wouldn't really work. Wednesday Janardan and I have a presumable date night, though we often end up going swimming instead of out to eat, so Wednesdays I could cook still generally). Anyway, so this week I have been making meals pretty much every night. Monday night, I think, I made dinner and Art said, "That was nice." I really didn't know how to gauge his reaction. I was flattered, but also confused. I didn't know if like...Carol had told him to say something nice and so that is why he was saying it, or if he really thought it was nice, or some weird manipulation.

Tonight, though, it became a little more clear. He asked me what was in the various things I had made today and yesterday, seeming interested so he could duplicate them sometime. And then when he was getting up from the table, he said, "That was nice. Last night too." Then he couldn't stay serious too long, "What's for dinner tomorrow?" A joking question (though of course if I had an answer he wanted it). So I told him, "Potato Soup." Anyway, it made me soo happy that he liked what I had made, and was interested in my food. Like...Art is the person in the family that I most respect, and who I most desire admiration from. So him appreciating my food made me very happy.

I was so excited. It made me want to start meal-planning, and so I ran into my room and got my computer, and was like skipping back out into the living room. So I was actually enjoying spending time in the common area where everybody else was. People dispersed pretty quickly, but I got a plan done for two more weeks of meals, without repeating any meals thus far. So if variety is desired, variety will be had.

On another note, I recognized this morning part of the reason that I hole up in my bedroom throughout the day. Janardan and I had gone out to the family room, and were enjoying a nice quiet morning. Then his mom came out, and it was fine having her out there too. But a few minutes after she was out there, she turned the tv on, and it ruined my enthusiasm for the morning. It was no longer quiet, and there was no longer the opportunity for the sharing of nice conversation and sharing of space and time. So in conclusion - there is too much tv in this house. Like...I like television. I like watching shows and whatever. But having the tv running just to have something to do at all hours of the day...well...I don't like it, but I do understand it. Before we all moved in here, Carol was pretty much living here by herself when Art was gone all the time. And there is a lot of quiet to fill in with noise. But I think she is missing out on what she could be having now, and could have been having for many years before, by having the tv on as much as she does. I can't ignore it, and so I can't stand staying out there for a long time. It like kills my brain.

But for now, I am happy.

Things are good in general...blah blah

So things are really looking up and I have been getting a lot happier here, but you know, of course that would not bring me here to write on my blog!

So a few days ago Janardan bought an Xbox 360 with his birthday money for the past you know 2 years or so. Anyway, so apparently when Andy noticed, he said "That's an awfully big purchase for an unemployed couple." I got this second-hand from Janardan today...and I am like...so pissed about it, and Andy and Chandra's general financial attitude toward us. Like...Chandra is very open with us about her finances, but I am not open at all about our finances with their parents, much less Chandra. I really don't think they are any of her business. I don't remember if I related this earlier, but she wondered why I bought Janardan an ipod for his birthday as well (which we returned because he decided he didnt want), and also wondered why I'm not working while I am here.

When we first planned on coming here, I figured we'd get our own apartment, and so I would get a job to pay for it, or we'd working something out and his parents would help. But then his mom said she thought we would just stay at their house, so I decided it was worth saving the money, and it might be good for relations with them, as it would force me to work through some of my problems with them (which it has).

I asked Janardan why it bothers them, and my conclusion after talking to him is that they don't believe he needs to get better. They don't believe in what he has, and so they think we are here just being lazy. And it's like, now that I know that, I know there is nothing in action that I can really do about it that I am not doing already (like starting to help with meals, which has been the positive aspect of my week), because I am not going to go and get a job, thus taking me away from being able to take care of Janardan. The whole point of being here is so he can figure out how to work with his body and how to get himself feeling somewhat better, and my point in being here is to figure out how I can get systems into my life where I am just taking care of Janardan and it doesn't feel like so much effort. And both of those things are starting to happen, though not being completed. And it's like - none of that would be happening, and none of the progress with his family would be coming if I was going out to work 20-40 hours a week. And so I am like - I don't have to prove my existence to you. What do you want Janardan to do to show you that he is sick. Oh wait, probably the reason they think he is lazy is because he does pretty much the same thing that Andy is doing all day...sitting around on the computer and playing video games. And I understand, he is between jobs and doesn't have much else to do. But just because he is being lazy when doing that does not mean that my husband, who is sick with a chronic disesase, is lazy when he does the same things. He does those things because he prefers doing them to laying in bed all daying feeling sorry for himself, and dwelling on the pain. It just makes me so mad that they judge him so harshly, and it makes me mad at Carol for the things she says that make them think that, because she explains Janardan in such a bad way. She feels for him, but no one else does. His dad does only because Janardan actually talks to him about how he's feeling, not because of anything his dad knows from Carol. But I also know she doesn't mean to, but it makes me mad, because she is giving them this impression that they have of him.
Anyway, we are off to go swimming. Yes, that is right - two times in one week, Janardan and I are swimming. He's working so hard to get feeling better. He's not slept hardly this week, and still trying to start exercising. I love him.

Things are really looking up

I think I have found my opportunity that I have been waiting for. That opportunity showing itself last night. Carol requested that Chandra and I make meals this week while Art is gone. We both said that would be fine. So I am going to make two meals, and Chandra will make two meals. After which, she said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned, and suggested that we take a rotation for it. Chandra cleaned the bathroom last week and then she offered to clean it again today. I said that I would be fine cleaning anything, but I would need to know from them what they wanted to be done, because I know they are more particular than me. To which Carol responded, "Things are so bad here - anything is better than nothing."

And bing, that is a kind of attitude I can work with. So today, I not only cooked dinner, I unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it, did all the dishes from cooking dinner, set the table, and cleaned up after dinner. And Carol enjoyed my dinner and thanked me for making it. So today, things are good. And I talked to Chandra for a while while I was cooking dinner.

All in all, a good day. I love cooking.

Two down?

I was right. I was looking forward to Chandra coming, and it was because I saw that we would probably have nights like tonight. It wasn't a conversation where I got to bare my soul or really talk that much about myself at all really, but I got to listen and do what I am good at - be interested in another person's life. She talked to me, and it was nice.

I really do like Chandra. It is this aspect of Chandra that makes me care about her more than Carol - because she shares with me, and can talk to me, and can actually have some sort of meaningful conversation. I hope to be able to have something akin to this with Carol, but I don't forsee that happening when she still treats my husband like a toddler. But anyway, so Chandra and I had a good talk tonight, and I was sad when her dad called her away to vacuum the bathroom.

Today I feel the carnivore becoming, at least a little, tamed.

I'm A Ball of Nerves

So, I've noticed that I am taking on Carol's personality traits - i.e. I am a ball of nerves. I realized this yesterday, when I was freaking out at the temple about nothing, and was like - why am I freaking out - I don't freak out like this. And since then, I have noticed it so much more. Just an hour ago, Janardan and I were out for dinner, and I was like - I am feeling relaxed and calm - it is so nice to be me, and then we got home and wham - I was back to a ball of nerves. Though, in recognizing it, I am handling it somewhat better and able to overcome some of it. But man is it going to be a fight. Like...I can't take being like this. This is not me. And I won't let it become me.

Chandra and Carol were gone in the middle of the day today, and that was nice. I made lunch, and asked Andy if he wanted some, so Andy Janardan and I ate lunch together, and then after lunch we attacked the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded most of the dishes. It felt good to do it even if I knew that I was probably doing something that someone would complain about. That is why I didn't want to be here for dinner tonight, so I could avoid hearing the complaints.

I already feel like I need another vacation - since the quilt show, not North Dakota. Three and a half more months. That doesn't sound terrible. I can do this.

Dealing with Adversity

We all have natural reactions to adversity. My reaction is to get quiet, and to get by myself, to avoid contention at all possible costs without having to deal with problems directly. I will do pretty much anything to avoid causing unpleasantness and contention, if it is something I can foresee. Unfortunately, in this situation, I can see all too clearly. Chandra is upset because I, and the men in the house, do not help with the dishes. So it should seem easy to avoid contention - help with the dishes, which would be my natural reaction, and I would enjoy it. Whenever I envisioned in-laws, I imagined they would love me because I was so willing to help around the house. But I guess I also envisioned in-laws a bit more like my own mother, where if someone else is doing it, their way is fine with her. So the reason I really don't do dishes in the first place is because Carol is particular about the way she likes dishes to be done, and the kitchen to be cleaned. And well, pretty much everything else too, but that's not relevant right now. My inclination to help around the kitchen was squashed the day I watched Chandra clean the whole kitchen, then Carol came home and yelled at her for doing it wrong. And my impression has not been changed by other interactions in the kitchen. I imagine if I chose to help in the kitchen, I would be waylayed with all the things I was doing wrong. No one would be happy with what I did in the kitchen.

So I have chosen the past of least resistance - doing nothing. It is minimal contention, and I can get away from it fairly quickly, but I would really prefer to have a solution with no contention. My general second option to pre-emptively dealing with the contention is talking it out with the person involved, but there again I lack any hope of that actually working. In the car ride when we were talking, Chandra could not for one second see my point of view, or concede that I might act from different dictates than her. She has her own little view of the world, and she thinks everyone else should hold the same view, to the point where talking to her seems pretty much futile. My old roommate Carolyn just blogged about how she had a random miracle with wheat puffs giving her an enjoyable church experience. I am searching for my wheat puffs.

Beef Jerky does the Trick

So I ate meat in front of Janardan's family while we were in North Dakota. Between that and having a bag of beef jerky in my car for whenever I need it, my crazy meat cravings have settled down. I haven't had any meat since we left North Dakota. Probably a week and a half ago was the last time, and I have been fine. I am even going out today, and thought oh I could go get some meat, but decided I didn't really need it. So checkbox to vegetarianism....now comes "other trials".

Bonding Over

Ok..so I get petty. Now, I realize that I am being petty because of underlying problems in the relationship - mainly that I don't think Carol cares about me, and doesn't think I am good for her son, but you know, sometimes it is fun to be petty. Because I can win.

Like...banana bread. Carol has a recipe for banana bread, which she calls banana cake. She says, "I don't think banana bread has 1 cup of sugar in it, do you?" To which I don't reply, because...I think banana bread probably often has a cup of sugar in it. It is a sweet bread. It is not bread bread. It's like zucchini bread. I would not be surprised if that had a cup of sugar in it. Anyway, so I thought I would look and get a consensus from the internet. Looking at about the first ten recipes on google, there were about 8 that had one cup of sugar (one said you *could* use 3/4), 1 that called for 3/4 cup and one that called for 2/3 cup. So...yes, most banana bread does call for 1 cup of sugar.

Well...in the middle of writing that paragraph, I became deflated. Chandra came and asked, "If you're not going to do your dishes, can you scrape your food off, because I don't appreciate scraping off other people's food." To which I said, ok. To which Janardan said, "Why did you say ok?" As in I don't really know what she is talking about in particular. I assume she is referring to a pan I used last night, and I am just like - I don't know what to do in this situation. The way I am used to dealing with things like that is soaking them, and then things come right off. But there is not really an appropriate place for soaking in this house, so I leave them to be dealt with in someone else's manner. Which used to be Carol, but now that Chandra is here, she is all annoyed that I am not doing more. That much is obvious. And I am like - it is not my fault that you are choosing to help your mom with the dishes.

It's just that I am making the decision to be seen as lazy rather than to be deemed incompetent. Carol has a very particular way she likes dishes to be done, and I don't really care to learn her ways, because it took Chandra however many years to learn it, and her mom still isn't happy with everything she does. So, there you have it. I am choosing to be perceived as lazy, but I still butt up against it, because it bothers me to be perceived so, because I have a reason for doing so. Oh well.

One Down, One to Go

So like yesterday Carol and I actually had a bonding moment. We were eating dinner together, just the two of us, and she was commenting on how bad it is that Janardan doesn't drink enough water, etc. etc. And I just quietly, but firmly told her that he would drink more water if she would stop pestering him about it. And then she got mad at me, saying that she didn't need to sit with him in the doctors all day and then be blamed for the situation, or whatever. And I was like - no that's not at all what I was trying to say. And she ran off.

So I went to find her, and I couldn't find her, and I finally did, and I gave her a hug, and she said she knows it's hard for me too, but she's just worried about him not getting better before she dies, and all this other stuff. So she was actually getting down to some real emotion, which I can relate to and feel for, and empathize with, instead of the anger toward Janardan for not doing more for his health. So yesterday before this, I was like...I don't know how I am going to stay here 4 more months, but after that interchange, I was like - ok I can stay here longer.

But now I am back to wondering how much I can take of this, but not of Carol, but Chandra. It's like, when we moved in here, I figured out a delicate balance of how to deal with Carol, what to help with and what to leave to her, etc. And all this Carol still seems fine with, but Chandra seems upset, because she has a different balance with her. Her mom wants her to help more, or Chandra wants to help more, so she does more stuff, and I can feel the quiet annoyance/judgment from Chandra everytime I interact with her. Like I thought I wanted to stay in my room before, but it is nothing to now.

Also I came to a realization yesterday, which I guess I sort of sensed all along, but like, never really came to terms with. And it's that Carol doesn't really accept me as Janardan's wife. She thinks I should be different, that I should be more like her, and because I'm not, she doesn't think I'm a good wife for Janardan, and she blames me for him getting worse and worse in Utah. I am kind of like - duh why didn't I figure that out all along. Realizing that actually makes her easier to deal with.

Also I really think Carol could benefit from some counseling. Like, she just doesn't let herself think or feel those real things. She masks it with a lot of anger, and so she doesn't deal with those things. I don't know, I just think she could figure out how to be happy, which is something that I think really eludes her.

Anyway, so yeah, Chandra being here is worse than it was before. Because with Carol, it's always just been the sense that she doesn't care about me, whereas Chandra it is more that she feels animosity toward me and my husband, so it's not a fun situation. And it's like, whenever I am around her and she is not talking, I feel myself justifying my actions in my head, as to why I am the way I am, and why I am doing the things I am doing. It's like - if Chandra decides she's not mad at me, then we can have a great time and I really enjoy being around her, but the minute I do something that upsets her world, and that is a lot, then I'm hated. There is no in between.

Also I said to my sister the other day that North Dakota was fun, and she was like - oh I didn't think so. Anyway, so to clarify, I loved meeting all the people there, and I cannot wait for me and Janardan to go up there again (we are currently planning on going in November when we leave here, either right after we get to Utah, or we'll go there and then to Utah). Janardan's aunt Lynn was like...amazing. She just welcomed me with open arms, and we got along really well, and she had me help in the kitchen, and she just really helped me feel like I was in my element. Anyway, so it was great to see her, and it was fun to stay with his grandma and other aunt and uncle. And I fell in love with North Dakota. I love the grasslands, all the beautiful fields and lakes. It was gorgeous, and just the pace of life that I like. I was sad even when we got to Fargo, just to see all the concrete. I missed the nature. And Janardan felt so good there. Like we were outside over half the time we were there, we were around cats and dogs, and he seemed to fare pretty well. Like, I have never been outside with Janardan so much, and I love being outside. So I would love if he wanted to go to school there for a masters or doctorate to see if we could like living there year-round. To me, being somewhere where he could enjoy the outdoors would be worth it.

This Song Has No Title, Just Words and Tune

Yeah...couldn't think of a good title, and then that popped into my head, so there ya go.

There's been plenty of drama to talk about, but I don't feel like talking about it, because I am in a rare good mood. Tomorrow night you will more likely be able to find more interesting things, if we actually have internet. Right now I am in a comfy bed, in a room alone with Janardan, and things are good - I am having time to myself, so I'd rather not dwell on the other stuff.

It's been a really hard trip. Stressful. Drama-filled. Like...I was thinking today and like the incidents of drama that occur practically daily while here on vacation - I can think of like...one instance in my life of viewing such drama before with my sister and dad. Like in my family we just are not big on the drama.

Also North Dakota is beautiful. Just so you know. So...updates on drama as warranted. Just so you know, you've been missing out on hearing about it because we haven't had internet, but I'm not going to detail it now. Maybe highlights later. And by highlights I mean lowlights. Of course.

Let's just say, it will have to be a long time before I forget how awful this vacation (being with his family, not the things done) has been, and would actually consider vacationing with them again. I guess life is a series of learned lessons.

North Dakota

Getting up here was a pain. 22 hours straight of talking, after insistence that it was most important that we do what was best for Janardan....lack of sleep seem like a good idea to anyone else? Yeah, me neither.

Then there was drama because I was stressed by being couped up in a car all day with people who say things behind each others back right in front of them (Carol) or are just straight up rude to them (Chandra). So I couldn't stomach to force myself to eat a jelly sandwich, and so I was going to go without eating. Then we stopped at a fast food joint for Janardan, so I didn't think it would be a big deal if I got something. Well, it was, and then it was a big deal to Chandra that Janardan and I did not insist on paying, at which point she felt the right to question us about our financial decisions, and question what I was choosing to do with my life (ie not work).

There was somewhat of a relief when Janardan initiated a discussion with all parties involved actually speaking to each other, instead of comments behind people's backs in small packs. But then it just descended into Chandra saying that me and Janardan shoudl have insisted to pay...over and over again. By the third or fourth time, Art told her she wasn't helping, and that ended the conversation.

But...now that we are here, I am loving being here. Like, I don't want to go back to Texas. Like, I have to deal with Carol still, but I get to be around Lynn, so it is all worth it. Lynn is an awesome lady. She just like...is really neat. And her and Bob have a really strong marriage, and good things emanate from that. But, it is annoying because I would love to talk to her pretty much non-stop. But Carol is always there, and I think she is of the mindset that her mouth needs to be moving at least 60% of the time in a conversation, so I have to fight to put a comment it, and when she is around, I just get used to not contributing to the conversation. Like she went to do something, and was gone for maybe 3-4 minutes. And Janardan, Lynn, and I got straight to compelling, important issues. Like, the way Lynn talked about how it was going to be stressful for us all under one roof -- and like, because she was thinking about our feelings, and caring about us - like I felt compelled to say that Carol didn't need the kind of stress that would be coming too.

Also like, Carol was being decidedly odd tonight. Like she acted similarly last night, but I had just assumed it was because she had consumed alcohol. She was saying tons of offensive things - one of which I took offense to, which for me is rare. I can't on the top of my head remember a specific instance of feeling offended before, but I imagine if I thought longer, I'd be able to come up with maybe 4-5 instances. We mentioned going to church tomorrow, and she kind of dodged the topic, with not responding. (We don't have our own vehicle here, and so we'd have to borrow their vehicle). Anyway, so then she started talking about how there are no mormons in North Dakota - they kicked them all out, and she was talking as North Dakotan here.

So, Janardan finally pressed the issue later, and she passed the decision onto Art. He said it was an issue with the insurance, and so we couldn't borrow the car to drive through the safest place to drive in the nation. Not to mention that before when I have asked to borrow a vehicle to do things around Plano, they will oblige. I have driven the very vehicle in question before, and also a different vehicle. And so it is like, the one time it is most important to me, the one time I need church to be able to calm me and give me strength for the coming week, then I can't borrow the car. I wish I would have just asked Bob and Lynn to begin with, but I thought I should follow the proper channels.

Like I am craving the sacrament. When I asked Janardan what I should do - more in the way of - there is nothing to be done - he said we can watch a conference session. So that should be good, but like, I need the sacrament. Need to wash away all the anger from the past week, let myself let go of it, and start anew this week.

And the dilemma? I have solved it. What I needed to realize was that it is my decision whether to eat meat in front of the rest of the family. So when I came to realize it was my decision, I thought it through, and the one person I cared about it affecting was Art. He seems to have some small amount of respect for me, when Chandra and Carol seem to have none. And so, I'd rather not alienate him, and I'd rather respect his wishes. I'm not a vegetarian, but I can choose not to eat meat around Art if that makes him feel more comfortable. It is always great to feel like you have a choice. And so I could make mine.

I was thinking today that when I envisioned getting married - I always envisioned that I would have the kind of relationship with my mother-in-law that I can already see forming with Lynn. I told Janardan that I wished Lynn was his mother. But, I guess the challenge I get here with Carol is that I would just never get close at all to a person like Carol unless I was forced into it. Well mother-in-lawing is pretty forceful, and I want to have a somewhat good relationship with her. And I am sure someday I will.

Janardan commented that his mother says so many things that are offensive that she is lucky Lynn is so smoothing over, because otherwise she could start lots of arguments. And it made me feel good, at least, that I do not argue with her. I suppose it could be a lot worse. I act the way I act to survive for now, but it also leaves open the opportunity for change (I anticipate mainly on my part) in the future. So I felt good about the way I am dealing with things. It is not optimal in most situations I deal with, but for now with her it works, letting me prepare myself all by myself, for the day when I feel ready to make a change in our relationship.

I Love Church

It is odd for me, because I feel more comfortable being myself and sharing myself at church than I do at home (except on the computer with Janardan) with Janardan's family. I am more used to church being a social occasion where I feel less comfortable being myself, because it is a larger group and I tend to be better one on one. Anyway, they asked me to sing a while back, and so I decided to sing "I Believe in Christ" because the song has had some cool meanings to me in the past.

So I sang it today, and it was a very emotional experience. I kind of anticipated it, so I told myself I could get teary-eyed, but I needed to keep singing, so I couldn't all-out cry. And so I wasn't as aware what particular phrases were hitting me, but as soon as I got back to my seat, I was just overcome, crying and crying (as silently as possible). And then in Relief Society we had a lesson about degrees, and how just being off a few degrees can lead you down. So with all this swirling around, and the great feeling that accompanies the refreshing nature of church, I have a somewhat changed attitude towards Carol. I don't know how long it will last - hence why I keep going back to church lol, but I can feel somewhat emotionally neutral toward her. And I know eventually I'd like to care about her, but I think emotional neutrality is a great place to be right now.

I'm not one to beat myself up if I falter either. So I will probably slip back in here and complain about her sometimes, but I guess now you can anticipate perhaps some more positive posts.

Like today, there was talk of going to Papaya's, a restaurant. And she asked Janardan what he wanted to do. And he said - whatever everybody else wants. She was obviously trying to make it so that he could do what he was most comfortable with, but she failed to do so, because then he just made a decision based on what he thought everyone else wanted, as opposed to what he wanted. And I was able to re-analyze the way things are for her, how she ends up failing at pretty much everything she tries to do.

And I thought - maybe I should be feeling pity for her or something. But then I thought, no, just being able to think that without feeling animosity towards her is enough. It is intellectual acknowledgement, I think, that leads me to being adaptable. When I can get to the point where I can accept that things are the way they are, then good things will follow.

So I am hopeful, and after my rant from yesterday, I can imagine you can tell that I am feeling much better today. Hence, I love church.

Vacation

I really think it is good that I am not taking a vacation for awhile. Coming back from these last two trips has been hard. I come from being around reasonable people who really like me, who are like me, and who respect me, back to here, and it just makes me feel...the difference. I am not very respected here, my presence is not really desired (of course I am talking besides Janardan), and these people lead such directionless lives. And it's not that I think everybody should be working to make their mark on the world, and change it, to become a better person - my dad doesn't really strive to do those things, but just to enjoy the time. But it is that they don't even do that - they feel constrained to do things, but find no purpose in them, and they don't enjoy it, and it is glaringly obvious that they are looking for meaning, but don't want to work hard to find it. This is why Janardan's mom prefers to be a human pill box, rather than trying to emotionally connect to her son...or even her daughter, who reaches out to her much more.

The quilt show was awesome, but it was go go go. I was exhausted each night when I came home, and then got up and went and did it again. So when I came back here, I was looking forward to getting off the plane, coming home, and just crashing. Nor did I think that anything else would be going on, because Chandra and Andy just got here from driving 1000 miles. But, everyone was there to pick me up, because we were going out to visit some people at their house. And we didn't get home until after 11pm.

The people we went to visit were really nice, and I felt more upset yet again, because this guy was talking candidly about what he thought, and he was very interesting, and I would have loved to talk with him, share my own opinions, ask him more questions about what he was talking about, but I felt so squelched by Janardan's mother primarily. Because in order to open up to him, it would be opening up to all of them, and I know that she would misunderstand pretty much everything I said, and probably act weird about it.

But being at the house was infinitely better than being in the car. They brought an Avalanche to carry 6 people. It is basically a pickup with a back seat. So Chandra, Andy, Janardan, and I squished into the back seat. My mind spun with the possibility of an accident. 4 adults not seatbelted in. Sounds very safe. So Chandra and Carol ended up doing most of the talking, because they are the only people who can converse, even though Art and Andy talked some, and Janardan said something occasionally. When I first got in the car, I had actually been thinking of things to say, but finally gave up when I never got to say anything.

And then there was also the ribbing at dinner. Somehow they got on the topic of kids out of the house, and Art said something about how he thought that his kids had been out of the house, but here they were back. He was joking....but it still made me angry, probably because it felt a little too close to the truth. It made me feel indignant - like don't do us any favors. We don't have to be here. But Carol you know tried to salvage it by saying that she always wanted 3 or 4 kids, so now she had them. And while that sentiment would generally be appreciated, it is not by me when she means that I am a kid like she thinks of kids - ie. not capable of being an adult.

Which of course was demonstrated in the middle of the meal when Carol jumped up and made a huge deal out of Janardan needing this medicine while he ate. And then she feels the need to tell me that Janardan isn't feeling well, and I am like - yeah I have eyes, and I can read whether my husband is feeling well or not, and I don't need you to tell me. And if he wants me to know and doesn't think I know, he'll tell me. You are not needed in the process.

I feel like I will recede more and more to the background, the longer Chandra and Andy are here. And it's not intentional, by them or me. It is just the way I react. When I am around really talkative people, I don't talk very much. But at least in my family, I felt like I could speak up when I had something to say, and here, I don't.

They served meat last night at this house, but I didn't take any. It was not so tempting when I had been eating meat at two meals a day for the past 3 days. So, we'll see what happens next time. I tried to ask Janardan if I could, but he didn't really answer, which I took as a no. But I'll ask him more in depth today.

And also, I wanted Janardan to be able to come to church to hear me sing today, and so I would rather him not be obligated into an outing last night. But we are the kids, and so what we think is not respected. Next time, if I fly, I won't be asking for a ride to the airport. Of course, I don't think I will be flying anywhere else. We're going to Austin in September, and I'll go to Houston in October. So I can be in control of my life. And we can respectfully decline.

Behold, the power of a vehicle in Suburbia.

Hungry

I am beginning to see a new problem to my food situation. There is food around me, and food that could be eaten, but no food that appeals to me, and so I am not eating. I really want avocadoes, peppers, or tomatoes. Like, tomatoes are one of the backbones of my diet. I don't really know how to cook without them (overstatement).

The problem, though, comes in my motivation to go to the grocery store. At home, I would feel motivated, because I was the only person shopping and cooking, so if I didn't have the food I wanted to cook, neither Janardan nor I would cook. With indignation, I went shopping twice, but now my indignation has faded, and Janardan is being fed, so I am unmotivated to go shopping, but also unmotivated to eat the food that exists in the house.

Though now I am remembering that I have stowed away in the pantry some balsamic vinegar, one food I feel great passion for. It is best with tomatoes, but I am sure I can do something good with it. Anything with basalmic vinegar can taste good. So thank you blog, you have inspired me to eat.

Nothing New

I haven't really written anything, because nothing new is going on, but I just went on a tirade of throwing fabric around the room, so I figured I need I vent more, and what more appropriate place, instead of burdening the ears of my husband more.

Carol didn't know what to do with my sewing stuff from invading my bedroom, so she just put it all in a box. At first, I didn't think I minded this much, of course until I started putting stuff away. She had brought some stuff out from the living room. That I did mind at all being in the box. I had left it out, so however it came packaged to my room did not bother me, or even if she asked me to take it to the room. It was all the other things in the box that bothered me. I had loose spools of thread on a shelf, spools that I was using in the sewing I was doing right before I left, and that I thought I would use again when I came back, so I just left out. So...had I known someone was going to come through and terrorize my room, I would have put them away, so they could stay neat, and I could know where they were. The same with my scissors and other small sewing tools. But no, they were just thrown all unceremoniously into a box with larger things.

And it's like - something made her do it while I was gone - that is certain. I imagine because I spend a lot of time in the room, and so she didn't think she'd be able to do it while I was here. If she would have told me she wanted to take everything out of the room, though, I would have left it in a different situation. I would have tried to put everything away in a place, grouped with its mates. As it was, I didn't think leaving a few spools of thread and projects on shelves would be a big deal. But they all get dumped into a box, and so the effort I took arranging them and organizing them was wasted. I just get to do it all over again.

And then there is the endless struggle of - where the crap did she put [x]? I can't find where to put away my pens. Have no idea where Janardan's robe is. And she just invaded my live at all imagineable levels. We have some food in our closet. She put the food in plastic bags to prevent the ants. This, to me, makes sense and is fine. I would have done so before if I had known where the ziplocs were. However, she also cut my chip bag in half. I don't care when she does it to her own chips, but she does not have to inflict her oddities on all aspects of my life.

And I had had enough. I was unpacking this box of sewing supplies, and just wanted to get the stuff out of her annoying box. So I just started taking it out and throwing it in the air, at the same time feeling that is about the amount of respect that she had for me and my stuff. I probably won't pick it up until the day before I leave for Ohio. She freaks out when the room is dirty. So let her freak out. I'll put it away before I leave, because I want to at least have some idea of where my stuff was before I left.

Right now, I hate living here. It is suffocating. All my good will and exercise, and getting out of the house and chocolate cannot compete with the violation of storing things in her house, because she has made it abundantly clear that no part of this house is not hers - she cannot give up any of it to anyone else, even for a short amount of time. I am half-tempted to pack everything up and put it back in the car. But you know, the organized half of me wants to still bring the other things in from the car, and get everything put away. So for now, I will probably just do nothing, and maybe when I get back from Columbus, or from North Dakota, I will finish organizing the room and bringing stuff in.

Meat Reflections

I was noticing my eating patterns as I was in Maryland, noting how much I ate, etc. And I had some interesting thoughts, and thought this was a good place to share.

I ate a ton of food. I ate a lot of meat...a lot a lot. My dad took me to Fogo de Chao, and I just kept eating and eating. The odd thing was I didn't get totally sickly stuffed. Like, I got pretty stuffed, but I didn't feel like - "oh my gosh why did I do this to myself" stuffed, which is odd considering really how much I ate. Also it was delicious. My two favorite things were the filet minion's wrapped in bacon, and the Parmesan pork roast. Yum. Yum.

The night before, I ate almost an entire rack of ribs, and the next day I ate other food and still ate some chicken, and the next day, I could feel myself still not being over being full, and I ate 1.5 pork chops. It was an odd sensation, because I didn't just eat because I it tasted so good - I felt compelled to eat it. Like, before I moved here, I mentally thought that I should, you know, stock up on meat, enjoy it while I could. But it was different. There, I felt compelled to eat it. Like my body was like - store it up - you need it - eat it all.

I've never really experienced such a thing before, but the context it made sense to me is the urge to feast before famine comes. Like in the old days, when they would go hunting, and like even if they still might be full from the last two days of having meat, they still eat it, because their bodies know that a week from then, a month from then, they may still have to be living on that meat.

And so with that, I have returned to my famine.

Interference

I've been gone the last week, and it was great to be away, but made it harder to be back here, especially since while I was gone, there was meddling in my bedroom. They apparently took all of the furniture out of the bedroom to clean in here. So I come back home, and while most things are where I put them, many are not as well. It is like - why did I even go through the effort of setting myself up in this room. Why did I organize? Why did I get things? This is not our room, it is hers. So I wonder why I am here. Why am I here to have nothing that can be mine? At every level of my life, there is interference - this room was my one sanctuary, the one place I felt like I could have things that would not be scrutinized by her, but as soon as I am gone, she comes in here, and does not just clean, but moves all of my belongings around, thus all of them being exposed to her. It is like there is no privacy. Part of me regrets ever leaving, because I feel like I should have been here to guard my room, to keep it safe for me, to have it be what I needed it to be. Now I can have no illusions that here I am safe from her power. Here, just like every other room in the house, is under her control, under her power, and she will not respect my property, my space, because in her eyes, I don't have any.

I guess I just wish she would have asked me if it was okay, to respect me and my stuff. I might have still been annoyed, but then I would have felt at least that she respected me to some degree. It just threw in my face the fact that she has little respect for me. Just five more months to go. I'll just have to get out of the house all the time now, because not even my room is safe.

It is just like - I look over at my bookcase, and I die a little inside seeing my books be not the way I organized them. It is like I went through the work of putting my room together in vain. And then I turn my head and there are the desk shelves, with the speakers not on the shelf I left them on, and a box full of my sewing stuff that was mainly put away. And she wonders why I leave stuff in my car. To protect it from her.

As I was driving home from the airport, I envisioned writing a very different entry. Just his dad and him came to pick me up, and I felt so at ease with his dad there. Like I never want Janardan and I to talk openly in front of his parents, but with just his dad there, I felt fine, and was talking freely. I missed Janardan a lot, and there was a lot of drama with airplanes, so I ended up getting in 5 hours later than I was supposed to -- at 2am. And sitting there as I rode home, talking to Janardan, with his dad there to listen or not as he drove us, I just felt good. Then as soon as I got home, I just felt like...interfered with. Like I didn't take a vacation - I moved out. It was like popping my balloon of happiness for being in Texas. But I was still happy to go to sleep in the arms of my husband.

A Great Night

Things have been going better this week. I bought myself some chocolate, and amazingly it has been helping keep me in better spirits -- that and exercise. And Carol pulled out some puzzles to do together, and it is a lot easier to have good feelings towards someone when they are trying to reach out to you. I think her doing the puzzle thing was just what I needed, because she knows I enjoy when we do puzzles together.

I'll probably blog about tonight on my regular blog, but I am excited, because the lady who I babysat for tonight - I think I may be able to get myself in a position where I am cooking pork chops, steaks, hamburgers. And I got to eat beloved salami tonight. It was glorious. I love meat. Sometimes it is just what I need.

On other fronts, I have not been craving meat as much, so that is getting good. I think I have set myself up so that I can kinda get my craving fulfilled whenever I want - like I feel fine with going out when I need to, and so I feel like it is less scarce, so my cravings are not as bad.

Thanks Deanna for your comment. It meant a lot to me, just to think that you are out there, reading this blog and worrying about me. It makes me feel loved. I'm glad for your support.

I also think that having a bigger social network will really help me with this, just that I may in the future have a place to go, where I can be in a house that has the spirit strong in it, and just get away from it, so I can be happy to come back, and enjoy spending time with Carol. Sometimes I just need to remember that most of humanity is not as negative as she is. It is very wearing.

I also find myself having residual desire to think everything she does is stupid. Like, I can feel myself wanting to be mad at her, wanting to resent her. Like, I know the happiness that comes from loving someone, after overcoming things that bother you about them, but it some ways it feels like I would just feel better being bitter and angry towards her forever. I guess that is the natural man, slapping me in the face. Well, maybe I'll have to slap him back with a little love and compassion - if I can decide to give up those great feelings of animosity.

Non-meat craving

So...eating here is a very depressing venture. Like Carol's idea of protein is vegetarian (of the pork &) beans on the side of bland food. Janardan survives by eating lots of burritos, but I am tired of burritos. At home, I would make tons of meals with beans in them that were very tasty, but here I feel less at liberty to do so, and also I have less notice of whether I will actually be making a meal or not, so it is hard to have beans soaked and cooking. I really should have brought a crockpot. I am tempted to buy a third one just so I can have one here to cook things in. What I really need are some lentils.

Anyway...so I have been craving beans. Though I would settle for some chicken, or a steak, or pork chop. Also...they are weird about fake-o meat, so no buying like fake sausages or chicken nuggets, which would be another source of protein. Anyway, so now I need to figure out something to eat for dinner. Everyone else already ate while I was at church. So fun times had by all.

Carol Clash

So this morning, Carol was talking to me about Janardan, and how he is only taking one seratonin pill, and how that is doing nothing, and she is talking to me really frustrated about him not taking more, and I couldn't stand just being quiet, so I said, pretty nicely, "He has to do what he thinks is best for him." Which she promptly ignored and said, "Yeah but taking one is like doing nothing. It's not worth taking them." To which I responded, "I think he wants to ramp up gradually." And then she talked about how that was worthless, and didn't he read the thing about bedroom hygiene? He's only supposed to sleep in there. The response to that I kept in my head.

I feel that often my venting is impeded by me understanding why the other person has such positions. Today I am going to dispense with that and just have a good old-fashioned, unreasonable vent fest.

So how I would have liked to respond, "Don't you realize that the reason he does stuff in the bedroom is because it is the one place besides the bathroom that he can have some freedom from your relentless nagging and worrying. It is the one place he can come at night and not have to worry about making 10 decibels of sound and waking you up, followed the next day by you complaining all day about how poorly you slept, because you refuse to close your door? He can't leave the house, because it wears him out to do so, so his one place of solitude in the house is in the bedroom, his one place where he is at least warned about your interference by a knock at the door. It may be ideal for him not to do anything but sleep in the bedroom, but he has no other place to go to get away from your relentless stream of requests and demands. And from your example, waking up 2-3 times a night and you never seem to be rested - this is the convincing argument - that because it works so well for you, that is why he should do it. Just because you don't need time away from yourself does not mean the rest of us don't. You think he wants the center to get him better? He really does not think the center will do much good. He thinks it is quackery. Just as you encourage him to disparage advice given to him by a real doctor, to exercise, he feels just as disparaging of the quacks that you want him to go to. I don't know why we are here, but I doubt greatly it is to come to the fibromyalgia center. You won't get Janardan to eat better by trying to force fruits and veggies down his throat. You won't get him better by trying to force medicine down his throat. The one vindication in you not believing the exercise thig is that when he starts exercising, you will not have the self-righteous feeling that you did something good by badgering him to exercise, because you haven't, and so when he does it, he will do it on his own, because he is ready and wants to."

Ok...so there was my rant. I really need to be getting to church. Honestly, I do not understand why she does not trust Janardan to decide what is best for his body. She has decided she doesn't want to have her gall bladder removed - why can't Janardan decide he doesn't need so much seratonin. It is his body and he deals with the consequences, not her. I know she worries about him, and it affects her life, but that does not make it her life. It is still his life, still his body. He is the controller of his own destiny.

I hope Janardan gets to bed earlier tonight

So naturally when someone wakes up at 5pm, they don't really want to go to bed around 11pm or midnight. This is something I am used to--I have been married to Janardan for over a year and a half. So when I wake up this morning, and Carol is complaining to me about not being able to sleep very well last night, telling me that Janardan went to bed around the time that Art left for the airport (yes Monique he is actually leaving again this week lol), and says "I hope Janardan gets to bed earlier tonight," I cannot help but feel frustrated. He tries to be quiet as a mouse, trying not to wake anybody up, and the only reason he keeps his mom up is because she refuses to close her door at night when she's sleeping. If she is a light sleeper, it seems like she could take the preliminary precaution against waking up - closing her door. And I am like - I am not going to stand here and support you in complaining about my husband staying up late, when you and I both know that it has nothing to do with his choices, but because he is sick.

It's like...if she was wishing that for him, I could feel some sympathy and yeah, that would be nice, for him to be able to sleep regular times. But when she is complaining about my husband, because she will not close her own door, that is infuriating.

And like...I know part of the reason she wants to do that is so she will know exactly what time he went to bed, and I am like - you can't have it both ways. You can't sleep through the night and know when someone else goes to sleep. Me, I have made my choice. It is more important for me to feel rested, so I try to get back to sleep if I wake up in the night. Because I did used to wake up when Janardan would come to bed, because I wanted to check the clock and see what time it was. But that got me exhausted.

I guess it's like - today I am wondering why she even wanted us to come here. She wants to take care of him, but she can't handle taking care of him. And so, when I am like - you are so lucky that we came here to live with you - it is hard for me to hear her complaining about my husband keeping her up at night. It's like she has not learned that she needs to take care of herself to be able to take care of another person.

Anyway, so yeah. She kind of asked me how rested I was. And I said, "Well, considering how late I chose to go to bed, I didn't expect to feel very rested." So boo yah.