I mean to like blog this while I was still, you know, excited about it, and not on the next thing to vent and be hurt about. But alas.
Anyway, so on Monday, Chandra said that she and Andy were going to go out to dinner, like as a date night like me and Janardan. I guess it was the first time I felt like I have actually had some sort of positive impact here, and it was one that I think is big, and if they keep it up, something that will really help their relationship and marriage.
And having a night away was great. I was actually no anxiety, no stress, and just so relaxed and peaceful. It was great. And it did recharge my batteries somewhat, but I am still living here, so there is still stress, and I feel like I am still combating the possibility of getting depressed. So I am trying to keep to myself more.
Anyway, so this morning Chandra accused me of breaking the toilet seat. And once she set up her case, then I said that I probably did break the toilet seat. So the point of that was....nothing. And Carol replaced it with some other seat, and is like "You can't sit on it like a chair," which I don't know what means. Like...really...if anyone has any idea, please leave a comment. But it still bothers me.
Like let's say it is me and the way I sit on the toilet that is causing all of these problems. I don't really know what to do about it, because I haven't had problems with a toilet seat before this one, so I really don't know what to do about it. It's not like I am going around trying to break all the toilet seats in the world, so obviously there is a problem, perhaps with me, perhaps with the integrity of the seat. I really don't even want to use a toilet, but think other people would be weirder about me squatting in a bucket. So there ya go.
I really hate living here. Like this past week is the first time I've really admitted that to myself. I am constantly stressed, and though I do not have as much anxiety as I did a few weeks ago, I still have anxiety constantly. And nothing I do is good enough. But it's not that I am really failing in some way, because Chandra and Carol are never happy with anything. They complain about everything and everybody, so it's not like there is anything I can do to stop it. I can just stop one source of complaints, but then they will just use something else as a source of complaint. There is nothing I can do to avoid the situation.
My personality is to mold myself to avoid drama, but I can't do that here. There is nothing I can do to stop the things that bother me here from happening. It is folly to do so anyway, and half of what causes me stress. I should just accept that they are going to think I fail at life, and that it inconveniences their lives for me to be here, but I can't accept that. I don't like to be an inconvenience, and I don't like people to think badly of me.
So the countdown continues.
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3 comments:
Wow it has taken you 21 years to realize that you can't sit on a toliet seat like a chair, well I am glad you have learned, now I won't have to replace my toliet seat every time you come to my house.
But really how can you really sit on a toliet sit like a chair without a really comfortable back and some armrests?
Well the other thing is like - she said "If someone needs a folding chair in there, we can put a folding chair in there." And I am like... ?
I'm not even sure what to comment about that...that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I use the toilet as a chair when I'm bathing my kids. I have even used it as a step stool when I need to reach something high...I didn't know I was doing something wrong. Good luck to you!
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