Exhausted

I opened up this thing for a new post, but don't really have anything to write about. I am just tired. Exhausted. This house is draining me, and all the going to other people's houses and visits can't make me feel rejuvenated. Maybe my 3 days away, then my 10 days away will do it. I really hope so, because I don't want to feel so depleted for the next 68 days.

I am even feeling less anger and bitterness, because I have decided that liking Carol is not currently an attainable goal. So now that I am not trying to like her, it is a lot easier to not hate her. But, I am still exhausted. All the pressure and unpredictability of this household is pulling on me.

I feel like I have a tiny resevoir of sanity, and it is sometimes filled up just a little - like the night we got away, but now I feel like it is pretty close to empty, so I am just tired, trying to conserve, and put as little pressure as possible on those few drops of sanity.

My actions have been much the same throughout my time of being here. Except when I was making dinner a lot. (Carol told me this week that I didn't need to worry about making dinner for everybody).

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but most the time I don't, because I don't really let myself feel it. I let everything wash over me in a wave of tiredness. I don't know how to face it all, so I don't. I just need it to be over.

So I count down the days, and look forward to seeing my family, where I can be surrounded by the embrace of sanity that extends much farther than arms, that reaches the mind, and lifts up the heart. We're going to play games with my dad. We are going to sew (well I am going to sew) with my mom and my sister. I am going to hold my nieces on my lap and read books to them. I want to be surrounded by people who love, and regain my sanity.