Exhausted

I opened up this thing for a new post, but don't really have anything to write about. I am just tired. Exhausted. This house is draining me, and all the going to other people's houses and visits can't make me feel rejuvenated. Maybe my 3 days away, then my 10 days away will do it. I really hope so, because I don't want to feel so depleted for the next 68 days.

I am even feeling less anger and bitterness, because I have decided that liking Carol is not currently an attainable goal. So now that I am not trying to like her, it is a lot easier to not hate her. But, I am still exhausted. All the pressure and unpredictability of this household is pulling on me.

I feel like I have a tiny resevoir of sanity, and it is sometimes filled up just a little - like the night we got away, but now I feel like it is pretty close to empty, so I am just tired, trying to conserve, and put as little pressure as possible on those few drops of sanity.

My actions have been much the same throughout my time of being here. Except when I was making dinner a lot. (Carol told me this week that I didn't need to worry about making dinner for everybody).

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but most the time I don't, because I don't really let myself feel it. I let everything wash over me in a wave of tiredness. I don't know how to face it all, so I don't. I just need it to be over.

So I count down the days, and look forward to seeing my family, where I can be surrounded by the embrace of sanity that extends much farther than arms, that reaches the mind, and lifts up the heart. We're going to play games with my dad. We are going to sew (well I am going to sew) with my mom and my sister. I am going to hold my nieces on my lap and read books to them. I want to be surrounded by people who love, and regain my sanity.

The Lord Has Prepared Me

I was sitting in church today, thinking about enduring the next 73 days, and it just struck me how the Lord has prepared me for this experience, in so many different ways. From living with my dad and having to struggle to find my own faith, and work on my own for my beliefs, to all the drama Janardan and I had with roommates while we were dating. And lots of other ways as well. And it just made me think of another way that I am uniquely qualified to be Janardan's wife. I may not being doing as well here as I would have hoped, and I may find it harder to love people here than I thought it would be, but I'm surviving, and I can stick to it for 73 more days. And by letting myself have this experience, I am sure I will be prepared for some other thing that the Lord has in store for me, though I hope that is more enjoyable :(

I meant to blog a positive

I mean to like blog this while I was still, you know, excited about it, and not on the next thing to vent and be hurt about. But alas.

Anyway, so on Monday, Chandra said that she and Andy were going to go out to dinner, like as a date night like me and Janardan. I guess it was the first time I felt like I have actually had some sort of positive impact here, and it was one that I think is big, and if they keep it up, something that will really help their relationship and marriage.

And having a night away was great. I was actually no anxiety, no stress, and just so relaxed and peaceful. It was great. And it did recharge my batteries somewhat, but I am still living here, so there is still stress, and I feel like I am still combating the possibility of getting depressed. So I am trying to keep to myself more.

Anyway, so this morning Chandra accused me of breaking the toilet seat. And once she set up her case, then I said that I probably did break the toilet seat. So the point of that was....nothing. And Carol replaced it with some other seat, and is like "You can't sit on it like a chair," which I don't know what means. Like...really...if anyone has any idea, please leave a comment. But it still bothers me.

Like let's say it is me and the way I sit on the toilet that is causing all of these problems. I don't really know what to do about it, because I haven't had problems with a toilet seat before this one, so I really don't know what to do about it. It's not like I am going around trying to break all the toilet seats in the world, so obviously there is a problem, perhaps with me, perhaps with the integrity of the seat. I really don't even want to use a toilet, but think other people would be weirder about me squatting in a bucket. So there ya go.

I really hate living here. Like this past week is the first time I've really admitted that to myself. I am constantly stressed, and though I do not have as much anxiety as I did a few weeks ago, I still have anxiety constantly. And nothing I do is good enough. But it's not that I am really failing in some way, because Chandra and Carol are never happy with anything. They complain about everything and everybody, so it's not like there is anything I can do to stop it. I can just stop one source of complaints, but then they will just use something else as a source of complaint. There is nothing I can do to avoid the situation.

My personality is to mold myself to avoid drama, but I can't do that here. There is nothing I can do to stop the things that bother me here from happening. It is folly to do so anyway, and half of what causes me stress. I should just accept that they are going to think I fail at life, and that it inconveniences their lives for me to be here, but I can't accept that. I don't like to be an inconvenience, and I don't like people to think badly of me.

So the countdown continues.

Sometimes I feel so snotty

Like I feel like screaming that I'm not snotty, I'm not! It is this situation that is tearing away my sanity. Like Carol announces to Janardan that she wants me to help with acorns in the fall. And it like immediately starts to make me feel like crap, and I am like - why? I don't mind helping. But it's not because she's asking me to do something - because she's not. She never asks. She assigns. If she asks me to do something (on the rare occasion that she does) I am more than willing to do it. But I don't like being assigned chores like I am 5-years old. Pretty much anything she requests that I do, I will do, but I hate hate hate being assigned to do things when there is no reason for her to feel like she is in a position of power over me. She is not my boss, and I am not a child. I am a freakin' adult. We are here in Texas, living here in her house...at her request. I didn't ask her to take care of us, and so I don't feel obligated to kowtow to any assignment she gives me. Not that I won't do it, because inevitably I will, because I would rather swallow my own pride and just wait until I can bust out of here than cause even more drama and increase the likelihood that I am perceived as lazy and a non-contributing member of the family.

And my sanity is slowly creeping away. I just really want to leave, right now. I just want to pack up the car, get in, and drive...anywhere. As in I really wish we were living with either of my parents right now and not his. Because my parents are easier to deal with...for both of us. I just want to be around people who love and care about me, and who recognize my worth. I think how different it was to hear my dad tell a story about how I would subvert him in getting me to do chores, and he seemed to take pride in that fact, that I had my own special way of doing things. He didn't think I was lazy, but that I was smart. And here, I help out and do whatever, and don't subvert people, but still I am unappreciated. There is no stability. I tried to talk to Carol again about this week specifically what days I want to make meals, and she said "Well nothing has to be set in stone" and I am like...I want to have it set in stone. I want to have something predictable and dependable, because nothing in this house is. The only things that are dependable are the things that I decide to do or that Janardan decides to do. Yes, you heard me, Janardan is dependable. With all his sickness and all the fluctuating factors of his life that make him so unpredictable, in this household, he is the most predictable thing there is.

As in I am hoping things will settle down a little when Chandra and Carol start up school again, then maybe they will be more scheduled and stable. I just want to run away. Far far far away. It is 12 days to Austin, but that still sounds like so long. I wish I hadn't read the Twilight series, and I could throw myself into them for a few days. I keep waiting for Breaking Dawn. I need a book that is enthralling and just takes me away. So, any really good fantasy book suggestions, I am open to them. I just want to get away from this house, if I can't run away in body, then at least I can take a vacation of mind, throw myself into a book, and do nothing else but read.

So, I not looking for books that are like necessarily really good books, though that is good - I am looking for something gripping, where I can't put it down. I just want something that pulls me in so it is hard to get out, because being trapped in a book sounds so lovely.

Taking Care of Yourself - A Top Priority

Thank you for your support. Sometimes I just get so locked up in now that I lose perspective, and wonder if maybe what people think about me here might be true. Though I don't really think that, just you know, emotionally.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, about how Janardan's mom doesn't take care of herself. And I can understand the impulse. It seems like such a common thing in our society - you put the kids first - everything for the children, and then you are second...or third...or fourth, and people don't end up taking good care of themselves. But I look at her, with her aches and pains, and all that is going wrong for her healthwise, and she is not taking care of herself. She is really in no position to be taking any care of Janardan really, because she's not doing a good job of taking care of herself. Like she can't be an asset to him because of that, even though she is trying to put him first.

And I understand the predicament. I was forced by overwhelming depression to overcome it, so I understand the way it can become all about Janardan, the person who is so much more sick. But at some point, you have to take care of yourself first. I learned that I am nothing to Janardan if I am trying to do everything for him, but can't really do it, because I don't have enough energy, haven't recharged my batteries. Even here where my focus is on helping Janardan get better, I still take care of myself first. I make sure I exercise and study my scriptures - the two backbones to a healthy me. And even doing those things, I've been feeling myself go on the verge of depression again, and so I'm trying to do more to prevent that from happening, trying to make friends in the area so I can get out of the house and socialize with people who don't dislike me.

The clinic that Janardan is going to, Art has been pushing Carol to go to it for a number of years, but she says that it makes more sense to get Janardan better first. While that may be so, it is already evident to me that it would have been very beneficial for her to go first, and get taken care of, but she's not willing to spend money on taking care of herself, which is so stupid. It makes me angry. Like she has no right to be angry with Janardan for not doing what is best for him in her eyes when she is not even trying to do what is best for her in her own eyes if she actully thought about taking care of herself. Like, she believes in exercise, but she doesn't exercise now, and it is just like...her not taking care of herself makes everyone around her miserable, not just her, and that causes more stress to Janardan living here, so it is not helpful.

As in I guess it just bothers me because she complains about how she hurts all day long, how she can't sleep well, but she doesn't do anything about it, and like when I say complain, I mean complain. And then she will say that she is feeling better now than she has ever felt. I don't buy it. What I do buy is her not being self-aware. I hope Janardan gets her to go to therapy.

How am I doing?

I feel like I have been taking a beating to my self-esteem since I have started living here, and so while I am still pretty happy with myself, I doubt myself with others, except Janardan, because he is there, and I know that I do good for him, and he doesn't make me think that I don't. I guess I just feel like I do good for the Yris too, but it is unappreciated, and I wonder if I am just deluding myself or something, so I am asking for your solidarity and support. I guess I know that a few people read this, but today I am asking you to tell me how you think I am doing here. I just need to feel supported today.

The Switch

I came across a blog the other day and it mentioned Fizzy Lizzy, which is some carbonated juice. I was like -- this is exactly what I have been looking for! Janardan is slowly making a transition away from soda, but he has been depressed that the only other options for drinking are juice. So I have been trying to think and look out for interesting drinks that might make him excited to drink. So we came across the Switch at a target, and I was like - hey would you like to try this, because it boasted of 100% juice, while this other one I had heard of was only 70%, and hey, it was right there. So we got some. And it is good and tasty and he likes it, and now we want to try more.

So now you may be wondering...why is this on my confessions blog and not on my normal blog? It is fairly innocuous, right?

Well...while Janardan is drinking a can one day that I give him with his food, Carol announces that she doesn't like it. Granted, this came after a discussion about the contents of the juice...which are...carbonated water and concentrated juice. Her main complaint is...that it probably has corn syrup in it...even though the label was just read to her, and it did not contain corn syrup. But then she also complains that juices from concentrate are not as good. Which I find ironic, because she buys Minute Maid...which is made from concentrate. But anyway, it is like she fails to grasp that this is not an alternative to juice - it is an alternative to soda.

And she also seems to fail to grasp that who cares if she doesn't like it. It isn't intended for her. It is like me saying to her that I don't like rice pudding. I tell her that to state my preference, not to try and force my opinion on her and stop her from ever ingesting rice pudding. She is just so infuriating in how she wants to control everybody's lives. She is not doing a very good job controlling just her own, so I think she should lay off other people's.

I just get sooooo frustrated, and frankly, I like to subvert her. She says she doesn't like the Switch, I am all geared up to buy tons of it. Like before I would have bought some, as it is somewhat expensive, but now I want Janardan to drink a lot of it, and I will drink some too. Not just because it is really tasty, but because I want to fight the man. I don't want someone trying to control my husband who doesn't try to understand his needs and desires. Everything she does is trying to manipulate him into her own formulations. That is why it pisses me off when she gives me "tips". "I got Janardan to eat a banana by cutting it into slices." Instead of, "It seemed like Janardan liked it when I sliced up his banana.

She betrays her desire for control in everything she says, and it bothers me. I've been concerned about Janardan's soda intake for years, but I don't try to force him to stop, I try to work with him, to tell him what is bad about all the sugar, how he isn't getting any nutrients, etc. And so now when he is trying to work on being healthy, he is open to alternatives to soda, but on trying only juice, he is tired by it, and it does not offer enough variety. So I have tried to keep a look out for things that may interest him, and I found something that is not only interesting, but pretty dang healthy.

It's like...she thinks she has some power over people, and she regrets when she doesn't have power over them, and so she constantly complains about them not conforming to her wishes. Janardan tells her we are going to North Dakota in November - she states reasons why we can't go - don't have snow tires, the pipes might freeze at grandma's house. She can't accept anything. She doesn't even accept that we are moving back to Utah. And it is like...ignoring it will not make it happen any less. But I can't shove that in her face for another two and a half months, so for now, I will have to be content with drinking the variety of flavors of the switch. It really is tasty. I want to try the orange tangerine flavor.

I just hate not being respected. And by I, I mean me or Janardan. Trying to control someone's life is not respect.

Also more on the carnivore side of things, I had a burger a week ago at Fuddruckers - it was delicious. I had been having hardcore steak cravings, and it was sooo yummy, and it was also a place where Janardan could have something he wanted.

Also there was drama over dinner earlier this week. I really don't think Chandra likes it when I cook, but Janardan said she doesn't like it when anybody cooks, so I guess I shouldn't take it too personally. I just don't like to be the cause of drama. I really can't wait to get a break from here. 2 weeks. That is not so bad. I can handle that.

Well...I am off to make a meal plan, so I can put stuff on the grocery list.

I love Janardan's Dad

I've barely seen Janardan's dad, but today Janardan stood up for me with his family, and defended me, and it seemed just like how Art would act.

Adapting to Different Parenting Styles (ie ones that suck)

I am so pissed right now. So pissed. Like...how the crap could Janardan's parents know for months...for MONTHS, that he may not be able to insured under his parents plan and not tell him, me, us. So...while he was previously covered under insurance I had for us, when that ran out, I purchased a plan just for me...since he was covered (presumably I suppose) under his parents' insurance. Apparently, he is supposed to be going to school to get this, and I am sure that they are now upset that they have a moral son who does not want to...hm...commit insurance fraud? I mean...not lie. I just do not understand how they think such information is not relevant for us to have. This makes me just want to leave right now, go back to our own lives, and just take care of everything ourselves. And then when he presses his mom more to try and find out, she suddenly gains interest in what is being said on the tv. And you wonder why it is hard to have an emotional connection with this woman.

As in, if I would have known, I would have tried to get us both insurance, and not just myself, but naive me, I thought that since his parents said he was on their insurance that he was actually on their insurance. And I have asked them about his insurance and how long he will be covered, etc. And they tell me...nothing. 18 days. 18 days until I get a break from here. Less than three months and I am gone from here for good. 18 days.

H2O and all it represents

Janardan doesn't like tap water. This is a fact I got used to...oh about 15 minutes after we started dating. Ok...maybe it took me a week or two. I also don't like tap water that has been out for more than like...an hour or two. Water starts to get yucky after a certain amount of time, and I am very sensitive to the taste and don't like it. So we tried buying spring water once, and I really liked it, because I could leave it out all day and all night, and it still tasted yummy when I went to drink some the next time I wanted water. And Janardan liked it too. So most of our dating and all of our marriage, we have bought spring water and drunk spring water.

So when we got here, I started buying us spring water like always. And...she is always trying to sneak tap water (which Janardan doesn't like as it is pretty much tasteless) into his water bottles. When we went up to North Dakota, he discovered a type of water he liked even better than Spring water. Nestlee Pure Life. It is pretty dang good water. So he requested that I start getting that. Well...it doesn't come in gallon jugs, it only comes in 16 oz. bottles. (Lawyer's daughter moment - there is one other size of small bottle, but I can't remember what it is right now.) Anyway, so she is even more concerned about wasting all of these bottles now that the bottles are even smaller. And so she is even more trying to sneak water in.

The reason she is sneaking it, of course, is because Janardan told her straight up that he doesn't like the tap water, and why he doesn't. For those of you who have ever talked to Janardan, you may realize that this is a form of directness that is virtually unparalleled. I actually heard him say this to his mom, and so I thought that perhaps her water meddling would stop. And it seemed that it had. Until today I asked Janardan to pass me over a bottle of water, and I opened it, and I was like...this doesn't taste good, this can't be the nestlee water. Which of course it wasn't. She is back to her sneaking ways, thinking that he won't notice that she slipped in some other water, and then he will start drinking less water, and she will wonder what is wrong. News flash: He doesn't like you messing with his water and filling it with water he doesn't like. It makes all water look unattractive. It is like looking at a bowl of punch, and he doesn't know whether it's been spiked or not, so it takes away his desire to drink water. Thank you stupid woman.

And it's like the same thing with vegetables. Like she doesn't believe that he is actually allergic to vegetables. She says things to me like, "It's hard to get someone to eat something when they're convinced it'll make them sick." And I am like...he broke out in hives. Is that not something that concerns you? He always gets sicker to his stomach and more general ill after eating a variety of vegetables. No, you must be right, he is deluded into thinking that vegetables are bad for him, because he....likes being unhealthy?

It is no wonder that Janardan never learned to trust anyone when he could never trust his own mother. This isn't just hurting him emotionally either - this is hurting him physically. I am so angry. He specifically and very directly, to the point where it could not be misconstrued, told her that he does not like that water.

She is so passive aggressive. It is so annoying. As in that is something I heartily appreciate about the friction there was with Chandra. It was always direct, and I always knew what she wanted me to do, and she gave me the opportunity to respond (though I rarely did), but at least I could. When Carol is just muttering about stuff, it is like - I can't respond to that, and it makes me not care about it. Chandra got what she wanted, and Carol is not getting what she wants. And look, directness led to friction, which led to getting over friction, which led to...us getting along and getting closer.

As in I am glad I got to weather the Chandra storm, because it is better having her here now that we are getting along. We get to talk, and we are getting closer. It also gives me more fuel for being pissed off at Carol, but whatever. As in today she was saying to Chandra that nothing's certain. She can change the place she wants to have the wedding, just like she can choose not to marry Andy. I heard this through the door in my room. I just like...can't believe she would say that to her. It's not like in the situation it was appropriate at all. And I was actually surprised. Usually Chandra when she is getting ready to blow off her mother gets more angry and disrespectful, but she just told her mom that she really didn't like it when she said that. I was really proud of Chandra, and I hope her mom listened.

And...I really hope Carol gets some counseling.

How to get past having awesome parents

My mom is super supportive. Like...even if it is something she doesn't agree with, give her a little while, and she will do whatever is needed to support me. And that is like on big stuff, and the little stuff, she is just supportive of like naturally, like it is no effort and she is there immediately. So it is hard for me to look at Carol and not be disappointed that Chandra is not getting that treatment.

Carol came home from looking at wedding dresses with Chandra, and Chandra was still out. I asked her how it went, and she expressed disappointment that Chandra made the wrong decision as to which wedding dress, because she didn't choose the one that Carol likes most, but rather chose one that reminds Carol of a 50s-style bathing suit. I happen to share Carol's opinion, that the other dress was much prettier, but that does not mean that I think Chandra made the wrong decision. I think if she loved the other dress more, then she made the right decision. What she wants is most important in the dress-buying scenario.

And so I am like...mad and disappointed with Carol. I am like, step up and be a good mom. Don't pull this crap on your daughter. But I can't tell if it is just because my standards are too high because I have such awesome parents, or because Carol really is falling below the mark.

And it really makes me sad, because I know how much Carol's opinion means to Chandra. Like, she would love it for her mom to be supportive and be happy about her decision. She desires that, and it is evident, but everything Carol does tells Chandra that she isn't good enough, and that she is not as special as Janardan. And that really makes me sad.

The Wonderful World of the Kitchen

I offered to make dinners everyday but Wednesday and Sunday. (Really I wouldn't mind making meals Sunday, but it seems like people generally eat dinner while I am at church, so that wouldn't really work. Wednesday Janardan and I have a presumable date night, though we often end up going swimming instead of out to eat, so Wednesdays I could cook still generally). Anyway, so this week I have been making meals pretty much every night. Monday night, I think, I made dinner and Art said, "That was nice." I really didn't know how to gauge his reaction. I was flattered, but also confused. I didn't know if like...Carol had told him to say something nice and so that is why he was saying it, or if he really thought it was nice, or some weird manipulation.

Tonight, though, it became a little more clear. He asked me what was in the various things I had made today and yesterday, seeming interested so he could duplicate them sometime. And then when he was getting up from the table, he said, "That was nice. Last night too." Then he couldn't stay serious too long, "What's for dinner tomorrow?" A joking question (though of course if I had an answer he wanted it). So I told him, "Potato Soup." Anyway, it made me soo happy that he liked what I had made, and was interested in my food. Like...Art is the person in the family that I most respect, and who I most desire admiration from. So him appreciating my food made me very happy.

I was so excited. It made me want to start meal-planning, and so I ran into my room and got my computer, and was like skipping back out into the living room. So I was actually enjoying spending time in the common area where everybody else was. People dispersed pretty quickly, but I got a plan done for two more weeks of meals, without repeating any meals thus far. So if variety is desired, variety will be had.

On another note, I recognized this morning part of the reason that I hole up in my bedroom throughout the day. Janardan and I had gone out to the family room, and were enjoying a nice quiet morning. Then his mom came out, and it was fine having her out there too. But a few minutes after she was out there, she turned the tv on, and it ruined my enthusiasm for the morning. It was no longer quiet, and there was no longer the opportunity for the sharing of nice conversation and sharing of space and time. So in conclusion - there is too much tv in this house. Like...I like television. I like watching shows and whatever. But having the tv running just to have something to do at all hours of the day...well...I don't like it, but I do understand it. Before we all moved in here, Carol was pretty much living here by herself when Art was gone all the time. And there is a lot of quiet to fill in with noise. But I think she is missing out on what she could be having now, and could have been having for many years before, by having the tv on as much as she does. I can't ignore it, and so I can't stand staying out there for a long time. It like kills my brain.

But for now, I am happy.