I'm Back

So going to New York was really good. Like I got a flavor for real life again. But now I am back here, and I feel like I am back to being oversensitive and caring too much about inconveniencing people etc. But I am glad I went to New York, besides for the awesome 10 days I had, but because it has left me with the impression that there actually can be an end to this experience, that 45 days will tick down, and I will get to pack up our car and we will leave. Having an apartment that we know we are going to be living in is probably helping with that as well. 

On another note, there has been a study showing that the brains of vegetarians shrink faster than that of non-vegetarians. So, go meat eating!

Anyway, so I am back, and already facing the weird drama associated with feeding Janardan. And feeling more like a nervous wreck, and you know, being generally more nervey. So there you go. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel - by which I mean - there is an end to the tunnel. 

Elation and Apathy

I feel elated right now. I just finished a book, and it made me soo happy. It just restored my faith in the universe. And to that, I feel like I have an impenetrable bubble that no Chandra and Carol can mar. Chandra is decidedly pissed at the world, and directs that at me right now, but I am still shiningly happy, because I know there is nothing I can do about it. Not one speck of worry, not even changed actions will make her feel differently, so trying is pointless, so I can feel free to feel elated, and to frankly not care at all what they think and feel. I have let myself be vulnerable for a while, now, you know, in the hopes of it yielding good results. But they are the dragons, and I am not living in ice, so for now, even invisioning a friendship is pointless. When they move to the ice, perhaps I will follow, and there we can be friends. But now, I will leave my defenses up in regards to them, while leaving them bare for all those who don't assault me. And I will revel in the joy. 

Today I feel the power of my own power to decide - the reach of my own grasp, the power of agency. I have the power to choose to not let them in now. I have the power to not care now. And I have the power to find here, even in the closest thing to hell that I have ever been. That is my perogative. And I will take it. These devils will not molest me. (Speaking figuratively of course, I don't really think they are devils. Haha)

Difference of Interpretation

So today Carol said that they were going to make new side dishes for dinner. (There has been rumblings of such ever since we got here, so I was surprised that she actually seemed to be making motions toward an actual result). The side dishes being Indian food. 

So when I sat down at the dinner table, I was somewhat shocked to look around the table and it look pretty much exactly the same as it has many other times when they have cooked Indian, with a small cereal-bowl filled with a new side dish. I had envisioned that there would be at least two (because of the use of the plural) and I envisioned there would be more than one scoop for each person at the table. 

I talked to Janardan after dinner, and he said that he had envisioned much the same thing I had. And it was interesting to realize how much trying new things is a part of who we are as a couple, and how much it isn't for his parents. Like they have eaten the same Indian meal for the past however many years, so instituting one small bowl of something else constitutes a significant change to them, whereas a change like that for me would be little worth noting, unless it was exceptionally yummy or gross. 

And so tonight I write to express a difference, without placing a value on the difference, which the lack of emotion is something I am rather happy about. I guess today hearing Janardan's exacatly same reaction to that side dish made me realize that there are things that don't work for Janardan in this family, and they certainly don't work for me, but they may work for Art and Carol's marriage. Janardan after a life of bland food and little variety, is happy to be married to me with my adventurous cooking, and enjoyment of providing variety. And I am happy that he has digestizymes so he can enjoy eating, and we can share that. 

Stress

My new main objective in life is to avoid as much interaction with Carol as possible, because being around her generally just causes me a great deal of stress, because she is stressed, and because her mode of living stresses me out. So I can generally go along fairly peacefully, but once a month he has an appointment, and we go out together for a few hours. I was so stressed by it yesterday. 

I came home and felt ill, and so I tried doing some relaxation, but I still felt ill. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was failing at taking care of myself, and like there was nothing that I could do. And then I started to feel nauseaous, and I threw up everything I'd had for lunch. Then food poisoning entered my mind as the more likely culprit of most of my symptoms, though I was sure that the stress didn't help. 

But really, I have felt a lot more sick this past month, and I would say the main reason is due to stress. I feel like it is so hard to take care of myself. And I was really sad yesterday, yet again, because I was looking forward to going to New York and just throwing myself into sewing projects, and just going going going. But really, I think I need to just give myself time to rest, give myself a break. I am sad, and I am angry at Carol - that she causes me so much stress that the time that I get to have with my sister and my mom, I don't get to just sew and sew and have lots of fun, I just get to actually rest and destress. I feel like she is stealing my sanity away from me. 

I am soo tired. I am so tired of every second of my life being consumed with having to take care of my mental and physical health. It is like all I think about. Take care of myself, and then do the few tasks that mutually take care of Janardan and me - like making food. And I am upset that Carol lives here in the middle of stupid concrete so that it hurts my knees and hips to run, so I feel like I shouldn't run anymore, til I get back to Utah. I just feel like I gave up so much to be here, and now that I am here, I am giving up so much more than I thought I would. I never thought I would feel so...close to insane. 

But I am sure the Lord has some purpose in making us stay here two more months. I'm angry at him too, but I still trust him. It's like I need some purpose in my life for the next two months, and just staying sane isn't purpose enough. I can't write, but I can work on my politics blog, but that's not very consuming. I'm working on a sewing project, but once again, I can't just go go go on that. I think really I just want to use the time to read lots of books, to just be learning more what people write, and finding books that I love. But I don't really have the patience for any books that I am not sure about, and wading through to find a really good book. 

There are good moments too though. Like last night when I was feeling so sick, feeling so ill, and I was just telling the Lord I would do anything to feel better. And then I started kind of asking myself how true that was. Asking myself - would I stay sick and feel that crappy for the rest of my life if Janardan could feel better? And the answer was yes, and I felt a new depth to myself. That I could say that to myself not just when I felt healthy, but when I felt like utter crap, when I felt so weak that I couldn't stop myself from yelling at him, which I never do. I was thinking about it, and I was like - compared to dying for somebody, staying sick for the rest of your life for them would be an even greater sacrifice. Dying you just end the pain. It was an odd thought, but anyway. Though I'm not sure I would die to make Janardan feel better. 

Janardan gave me a blessing while I was sick, a blessing that I would be strong, and some other things too. I asked him after the blessing if he was sure it was the right blessing. He called me a hater. I said - I meant that I wasn't sure the Lord was right, so I was an even bigger hater than he thought. 

I've been thinking a lot about a quote from C.S. Lewis while I've been here. 

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of–throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

It is hard to feel strong when all my walls are being knocked down, when all I feel like I am being left with is a pile of rubble, not the cottage I used to have. But if it is what I need to come out of this on the other side a better person, a better wife to my husband, a better writer, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend - I guess that is worth it. Six months seemed like not such a long time when we decided to come here. And I will probably look back at the end and think it did not seem so long. But right now - two months seems like an eternity. I am already starting plans for us leaving - what meals to make, where to stop etc. But it is more the plans of dreams, because I feel like it will never come. I will be here forever, and I will eventually go insane.