Taking Care of Yourself - A Top Priority

Thank you for your support. Sometimes I just get so locked up in now that I lose perspective, and wonder if maybe what people think about me here might be true. Though I don't really think that, just you know, emotionally.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, about how Janardan's mom doesn't take care of herself. And I can understand the impulse. It seems like such a common thing in our society - you put the kids first - everything for the children, and then you are second...or third...or fourth, and people don't end up taking good care of themselves. But I look at her, with her aches and pains, and all that is going wrong for her healthwise, and she is not taking care of herself. She is really in no position to be taking any care of Janardan really, because she's not doing a good job of taking care of herself. Like she can't be an asset to him because of that, even though she is trying to put him first.

And I understand the predicament. I was forced by overwhelming depression to overcome it, so I understand the way it can become all about Janardan, the person who is so much more sick. But at some point, you have to take care of yourself first. I learned that I am nothing to Janardan if I am trying to do everything for him, but can't really do it, because I don't have enough energy, haven't recharged my batteries. Even here where my focus is on helping Janardan get better, I still take care of myself first. I make sure I exercise and study my scriptures - the two backbones to a healthy me. And even doing those things, I've been feeling myself go on the verge of depression again, and so I'm trying to do more to prevent that from happening, trying to make friends in the area so I can get out of the house and socialize with people who don't dislike me.

The clinic that Janardan is going to, Art has been pushing Carol to go to it for a number of years, but she says that it makes more sense to get Janardan better first. While that may be so, it is already evident to me that it would have been very beneficial for her to go first, and get taken care of, but she's not willing to spend money on taking care of herself, which is so stupid. It makes me angry. Like she has no right to be angry with Janardan for not doing what is best for him in her eyes when she is not even trying to do what is best for her in her own eyes if she actully thought about taking care of herself. Like, she believes in exercise, but she doesn't exercise now, and it is just like...her not taking care of herself makes everyone around her miserable, not just her, and that causes more stress to Janardan living here, so it is not helpful.

As in I guess it just bothers me because she complains about how she hurts all day long, how she can't sleep well, but she doesn't do anything about it, and like when I say complain, I mean complain. And then she will say that she is feeling better now than she has ever felt. I don't buy it. What I do buy is her not being self-aware. I hope Janardan gets her to go to therapy.