North Dakota

Getting up here was a pain. 22 hours straight of talking, after insistence that it was most important that we do what was best for Janardan....lack of sleep seem like a good idea to anyone else? Yeah, me neither.

Then there was drama because I was stressed by being couped up in a car all day with people who say things behind each others back right in front of them (Carol) or are just straight up rude to them (Chandra). So I couldn't stomach to force myself to eat a jelly sandwich, and so I was going to go without eating. Then we stopped at a fast food joint for Janardan, so I didn't think it would be a big deal if I got something. Well, it was, and then it was a big deal to Chandra that Janardan and I did not insist on paying, at which point she felt the right to question us about our financial decisions, and question what I was choosing to do with my life (ie not work).

There was somewhat of a relief when Janardan initiated a discussion with all parties involved actually speaking to each other, instead of comments behind people's backs in small packs. But then it just descended into Chandra saying that me and Janardan shoudl have insisted to pay...over and over again. By the third or fourth time, Art told her she wasn't helping, and that ended the conversation.

But...now that we are here, I am loving being here. Like, I don't want to go back to Texas. Like, I have to deal with Carol still, but I get to be around Lynn, so it is all worth it. Lynn is an awesome lady. She just like...is really neat. And her and Bob have a really strong marriage, and good things emanate from that. But, it is annoying because I would love to talk to her pretty much non-stop. But Carol is always there, and I think she is of the mindset that her mouth needs to be moving at least 60% of the time in a conversation, so I have to fight to put a comment it, and when she is around, I just get used to not contributing to the conversation. Like she went to do something, and was gone for maybe 3-4 minutes. And Janardan, Lynn, and I got straight to compelling, important issues. Like, the way Lynn talked about how it was going to be stressful for us all under one roof -- and like, because she was thinking about our feelings, and caring about us - like I felt compelled to say that Carol didn't need the kind of stress that would be coming too.

Also like, Carol was being decidedly odd tonight. Like she acted similarly last night, but I had just assumed it was because she had consumed alcohol. She was saying tons of offensive things - one of which I took offense to, which for me is rare. I can't on the top of my head remember a specific instance of feeling offended before, but I imagine if I thought longer, I'd be able to come up with maybe 4-5 instances. We mentioned going to church tomorrow, and she kind of dodged the topic, with not responding. (We don't have our own vehicle here, and so we'd have to borrow their vehicle). Anyway, so then she started talking about how there are no mormons in North Dakota - they kicked them all out, and she was talking as North Dakotan here.

So, Janardan finally pressed the issue later, and she passed the decision onto Art. He said it was an issue with the insurance, and so we couldn't borrow the car to drive through the safest place to drive in the nation. Not to mention that before when I have asked to borrow a vehicle to do things around Plano, they will oblige. I have driven the very vehicle in question before, and also a different vehicle. And so it is like, the one time it is most important to me, the one time I need church to be able to calm me and give me strength for the coming week, then I can't borrow the car. I wish I would have just asked Bob and Lynn to begin with, but I thought I should follow the proper channels.

Like I am craving the sacrament. When I asked Janardan what I should do - more in the way of - there is nothing to be done - he said we can watch a conference session. So that should be good, but like, I need the sacrament. Need to wash away all the anger from the past week, let myself let go of it, and start anew this week.

And the dilemma? I have solved it. What I needed to realize was that it is my decision whether to eat meat in front of the rest of the family. So when I came to realize it was my decision, I thought it through, and the one person I cared about it affecting was Art. He seems to have some small amount of respect for me, when Chandra and Carol seem to have none. And so, I'd rather not alienate him, and I'd rather respect his wishes. I'm not a vegetarian, but I can choose not to eat meat around Art if that makes him feel more comfortable. It is always great to feel like you have a choice. And so I could make mine.

I was thinking today that when I envisioned getting married - I always envisioned that I would have the kind of relationship with my mother-in-law that I can already see forming with Lynn. I told Janardan that I wished Lynn was his mother. But, I guess the challenge I get here with Carol is that I would just never get close at all to a person like Carol unless I was forced into it. Well mother-in-lawing is pretty forceful, and I want to have a somewhat good relationship with her. And I am sure someday I will.

Janardan commented that his mother says so many things that are offensive that she is lucky Lynn is so smoothing over, because otherwise she could start lots of arguments. And it made me feel good, at least, that I do not argue with her. I suppose it could be a lot worse. I act the way I act to survive for now, but it also leaves open the opportunity for change (I anticipate mainly on my part) in the future. So I felt good about the way I am dealing with things. It is not optimal in most situations I deal with, but for now with her it works, letting me prepare myself all by myself, for the day when I feel ready to make a change in our relationship.

I Love Church

It is odd for me, because I feel more comfortable being myself and sharing myself at church than I do at home (except on the computer with Janardan) with Janardan's family. I am more used to church being a social occasion where I feel less comfortable being myself, because it is a larger group and I tend to be better one on one. Anyway, they asked me to sing a while back, and so I decided to sing "I Believe in Christ" because the song has had some cool meanings to me in the past.

So I sang it today, and it was a very emotional experience. I kind of anticipated it, so I told myself I could get teary-eyed, but I needed to keep singing, so I couldn't all-out cry. And so I wasn't as aware what particular phrases were hitting me, but as soon as I got back to my seat, I was just overcome, crying and crying (as silently as possible). And then in Relief Society we had a lesson about degrees, and how just being off a few degrees can lead you down. So with all this swirling around, and the great feeling that accompanies the refreshing nature of church, I have a somewhat changed attitude towards Carol. I don't know how long it will last - hence why I keep going back to church lol, but I can feel somewhat emotionally neutral toward her. And I know eventually I'd like to care about her, but I think emotional neutrality is a great place to be right now.

I'm not one to beat myself up if I falter either. So I will probably slip back in here and complain about her sometimes, but I guess now you can anticipate perhaps some more positive posts.

Like today, there was talk of going to Papaya's, a restaurant. And she asked Janardan what he wanted to do. And he said - whatever everybody else wants. She was obviously trying to make it so that he could do what he was most comfortable with, but she failed to do so, because then he just made a decision based on what he thought everyone else wanted, as opposed to what he wanted. And I was able to re-analyze the way things are for her, how she ends up failing at pretty much everything she tries to do.

And I thought - maybe I should be feeling pity for her or something. But then I thought, no, just being able to think that without feeling animosity towards her is enough. It is intellectual acknowledgement, I think, that leads me to being adaptable. When I can get to the point where I can accept that things are the way they are, then good things will follow.

So I am hopeful, and after my rant from yesterday, I can imagine you can tell that I am feeling much better today. Hence, I love church.

Vacation

I really think it is good that I am not taking a vacation for awhile. Coming back from these last two trips has been hard. I come from being around reasonable people who really like me, who are like me, and who respect me, back to here, and it just makes me feel...the difference. I am not very respected here, my presence is not really desired (of course I am talking besides Janardan), and these people lead such directionless lives. And it's not that I think everybody should be working to make their mark on the world, and change it, to become a better person - my dad doesn't really strive to do those things, but just to enjoy the time. But it is that they don't even do that - they feel constrained to do things, but find no purpose in them, and they don't enjoy it, and it is glaringly obvious that they are looking for meaning, but don't want to work hard to find it. This is why Janardan's mom prefers to be a human pill box, rather than trying to emotionally connect to her son...or even her daughter, who reaches out to her much more.

The quilt show was awesome, but it was go go go. I was exhausted each night when I came home, and then got up and went and did it again. So when I came back here, I was looking forward to getting off the plane, coming home, and just crashing. Nor did I think that anything else would be going on, because Chandra and Andy just got here from driving 1000 miles. But, everyone was there to pick me up, because we were going out to visit some people at their house. And we didn't get home until after 11pm.

The people we went to visit were really nice, and I felt more upset yet again, because this guy was talking candidly about what he thought, and he was very interesting, and I would have loved to talk with him, share my own opinions, ask him more questions about what he was talking about, but I felt so squelched by Janardan's mother primarily. Because in order to open up to him, it would be opening up to all of them, and I know that she would misunderstand pretty much everything I said, and probably act weird about it.

But being at the house was infinitely better than being in the car. They brought an Avalanche to carry 6 people. It is basically a pickup with a back seat. So Chandra, Andy, Janardan, and I squished into the back seat. My mind spun with the possibility of an accident. 4 adults not seatbelted in. Sounds very safe. So Chandra and Carol ended up doing most of the talking, because they are the only people who can converse, even though Art and Andy talked some, and Janardan said something occasionally. When I first got in the car, I had actually been thinking of things to say, but finally gave up when I never got to say anything.

And then there was also the ribbing at dinner. Somehow they got on the topic of kids out of the house, and Art said something about how he thought that his kids had been out of the house, but here they were back. He was joking....but it still made me angry, probably because it felt a little too close to the truth. It made me feel indignant - like don't do us any favors. We don't have to be here. But Carol you know tried to salvage it by saying that she always wanted 3 or 4 kids, so now she had them. And while that sentiment would generally be appreciated, it is not by me when she means that I am a kid like she thinks of kids - ie. not capable of being an adult.

Which of course was demonstrated in the middle of the meal when Carol jumped up and made a huge deal out of Janardan needing this medicine while he ate. And then she feels the need to tell me that Janardan isn't feeling well, and I am like - yeah I have eyes, and I can read whether my husband is feeling well or not, and I don't need you to tell me. And if he wants me to know and doesn't think I know, he'll tell me. You are not needed in the process.

I feel like I will recede more and more to the background, the longer Chandra and Andy are here. And it's not intentional, by them or me. It is just the way I react. When I am around really talkative people, I don't talk very much. But at least in my family, I felt like I could speak up when I had something to say, and here, I don't.

They served meat last night at this house, but I didn't take any. It was not so tempting when I had been eating meat at two meals a day for the past 3 days. So, we'll see what happens next time. I tried to ask Janardan if I could, but he didn't really answer, which I took as a no. But I'll ask him more in depth today.

And also, I wanted Janardan to be able to come to church to hear me sing today, and so I would rather him not be obligated into an outing last night. But we are the kids, and so what we think is not respected. Next time, if I fly, I won't be asking for a ride to the airport. Of course, I don't think I will be flying anywhere else. We're going to Austin in September, and I'll go to Houston in October. So I can be in control of my life. And we can respectfully decline.

Behold, the power of a vehicle in Suburbia.

Hungry

I am beginning to see a new problem to my food situation. There is food around me, and food that could be eaten, but no food that appeals to me, and so I am not eating. I really want avocadoes, peppers, or tomatoes. Like, tomatoes are one of the backbones of my diet. I don't really know how to cook without them (overstatement).

The problem, though, comes in my motivation to go to the grocery store. At home, I would feel motivated, because I was the only person shopping and cooking, so if I didn't have the food I wanted to cook, neither Janardan nor I would cook. With indignation, I went shopping twice, but now my indignation has faded, and Janardan is being fed, so I am unmotivated to go shopping, but also unmotivated to eat the food that exists in the house.

Though now I am remembering that I have stowed away in the pantry some balsamic vinegar, one food I feel great passion for. It is best with tomatoes, but I am sure I can do something good with it. Anything with basalmic vinegar can taste good. So thank you blog, you have inspired me to eat.

Nothing New

I haven't really written anything, because nothing new is going on, but I just went on a tirade of throwing fabric around the room, so I figured I need I vent more, and what more appropriate place, instead of burdening the ears of my husband more.

Carol didn't know what to do with my sewing stuff from invading my bedroom, so she just put it all in a box. At first, I didn't think I minded this much, of course until I started putting stuff away. She had brought some stuff out from the living room. That I did mind at all being in the box. I had left it out, so however it came packaged to my room did not bother me, or even if she asked me to take it to the room. It was all the other things in the box that bothered me. I had loose spools of thread on a shelf, spools that I was using in the sewing I was doing right before I left, and that I thought I would use again when I came back, so I just left out. So...had I known someone was going to come through and terrorize my room, I would have put them away, so they could stay neat, and I could know where they were. The same with my scissors and other small sewing tools. But no, they were just thrown all unceremoniously into a box with larger things.

And it's like - something made her do it while I was gone - that is certain. I imagine because I spend a lot of time in the room, and so she didn't think she'd be able to do it while I was here. If she would have told me she wanted to take everything out of the room, though, I would have left it in a different situation. I would have tried to put everything away in a place, grouped with its mates. As it was, I didn't think leaving a few spools of thread and projects on shelves would be a big deal. But they all get dumped into a box, and so the effort I took arranging them and organizing them was wasted. I just get to do it all over again.

And then there is the endless struggle of - where the crap did she put [x]? I can't find where to put away my pens. Have no idea where Janardan's robe is. And she just invaded my live at all imagineable levels. We have some food in our closet. She put the food in plastic bags to prevent the ants. This, to me, makes sense and is fine. I would have done so before if I had known where the ziplocs were. However, she also cut my chip bag in half. I don't care when she does it to her own chips, but she does not have to inflict her oddities on all aspects of my life.

And I had had enough. I was unpacking this box of sewing supplies, and just wanted to get the stuff out of her annoying box. So I just started taking it out and throwing it in the air, at the same time feeling that is about the amount of respect that she had for me and my stuff. I probably won't pick it up until the day before I leave for Ohio. She freaks out when the room is dirty. So let her freak out. I'll put it away before I leave, because I want to at least have some idea of where my stuff was before I left.

Right now, I hate living here. It is suffocating. All my good will and exercise, and getting out of the house and chocolate cannot compete with the violation of storing things in her house, because she has made it abundantly clear that no part of this house is not hers - she cannot give up any of it to anyone else, even for a short amount of time. I am half-tempted to pack everything up and put it back in the car. But you know, the organized half of me wants to still bring the other things in from the car, and get everything put away. So for now, I will probably just do nothing, and maybe when I get back from Columbus, or from North Dakota, I will finish organizing the room and bringing stuff in.

Meat Reflections

I was noticing my eating patterns as I was in Maryland, noting how much I ate, etc. And I had some interesting thoughts, and thought this was a good place to share.

I ate a ton of food. I ate a lot of meat...a lot a lot. My dad took me to Fogo de Chao, and I just kept eating and eating. The odd thing was I didn't get totally sickly stuffed. Like, I got pretty stuffed, but I didn't feel like - "oh my gosh why did I do this to myself" stuffed, which is odd considering really how much I ate. Also it was delicious. My two favorite things were the filet minion's wrapped in bacon, and the Parmesan pork roast. Yum. Yum.

The night before, I ate almost an entire rack of ribs, and the next day I ate other food and still ate some chicken, and the next day, I could feel myself still not being over being full, and I ate 1.5 pork chops. It was an odd sensation, because I didn't just eat because I it tasted so good - I felt compelled to eat it. Like, before I moved here, I mentally thought that I should, you know, stock up on meat, enjoy it while I could. But it was different. There, I felt compelled to eat it. Like my body was like - store it up - you need it - eat it all.

I've never really experienced such a thing before, but the context it made sense to me is the urge to feast before famine comes. Like in the old days, when they would go hunting, and like even if they still might be full from the last two days of having meat, they still eat it, because their bodies know that a week from then, a month from then, they may still have to be living on that meat.

And so with that, I have returned to my famine.

Interference

I've been gone the last week, and it was great to be away, but made it harder to be back here, especially since while I was gone, there was meddling in my bedroom. They apparently took all of the furniture out of the bedroom to clean in here. So I come back home, and while most things are where I put them, many are not as well. It is like - why did I even go through the effort of setting myself up in this room. Why did I organize? Why did I get things? This is not our room, it is hers. So I wonder why I am here. Why am I here to have nothing that can be mine? At every level of my life, there is interference - this room was my one sanctuary, the one place I felt like I could have things that would not be scrutinized by her, but as soon as I am gone, she comes in here, and does not just clean, but moves all of my belongings around, thus all of them being exposed to her. It is like there is no privacy. Part of me regrets ever leaving, because I feel like I should have been here to guard my room, to keep it safe for me, to have it be what I needed it to be. Now I can have no illusions that here I am safe from her power. Here, just like every other room in the house, is under her control, under her power, and she will not respect my property, my space, because in her eyes, I don't have any.

I guess I just wish she would have asked me if it was okay, to respect me and my stuff. I might have still been annoyed, but then I would have felt at least that she respected me to some degree. It just threw in my face the fact that she has little respect for me. Just five more months to go. I'll just have to get out of the house all the time now, because not even my room is safe.

It is just like - I look over at my bookcase, and I die a little inside seeing my books be not the way I organized them. It is like I went through the work of putting my room together in vain. And then I turn my head and there are the desk shelves, with the speakers not on the shelf I left them on, and a box full of my sewing stuff that was mainly put away. And she wonders why I leave stuff in my car. To protect it from her.

As I was driving home from the airport, I envisioned writing a very different entry. Just his dad and him came to pick me up, and I felt so at ease with his dad there. Like I never want Janardan and I to talk openly in front of his parents, but with just his dad there, I felt fine, and was talking freely. I missed Janardan a lot, and there was a lot of drama with airplanes, so I ended up getting in 5 hours later than I was supposed to -- at 2am. And sitting there as I rode home, talking to Janardan, with his dad there to listen or not as he drove us, I just felt good. Then as soon as I got home, I just felt like...interfered with. Like I didn't take a vacation - I moved out. It was like popping my balloon of happiness for being in Texas. But I was still happy to go to sleep in the arms of my husband.