Vacation

I really think it is good that I am not taking a vacation for awhile. Coming back from these last two trips has been hard. I come from being around reasonable people who really like me, who are like me, and who respect me, back to here, and it just makes me feel...the difference. I am not very respected here, my presence is not really desired (of course I am talking besides Janardan), and these people lead such directionless lives. And it's not that I think everybody should be working to make their mark on the world, and change it, to become a better person - my dad doesn't really strive to do those things, but just to enjoy the time. But it is that they don't even do that - they feel constrained to do things, but find no purpose in them, and they don't enjoy it, and it is glaringly obvious that they are looking for meaning, but don't want to work hard to find it. This is why Janardan's mom prefers to be a human pill box, rather than trying to emotionally connect to her son...or even her daughter, who reaches out to her much more.

The quilt show was awesome, but it was go go go. I was exhausted each night when I came home, and then got up and went and did it again. So when I came back here, I was looking forward to getting off the plane, coming home, and just crashing. Nor did I think that anything else would be going on, because Chandra and Andy just got here from driving 1000 miles. But, everyone was there to pick me up, because we were going out to visit some people at their house. And we didn't get home until after 11pm.

The people we went to visit were really nice, and I felt more upset yet again, because this guy was talking candidly about what he thought, and he was very interesting, and I would have loved to talk with him, share my own opinions, ask him more questions about what he was talking about, but I felt so squelched by Janardan's mother primarily. Because in order to open up to him, it would be opening up to all of them, and I know that she would misunderstand pretty much everything I said, and probably act weird about it.

But being at the house was infinitely better than being in the car. They brought an Avalanche to carry 6 people. It is basically a pickup with a back seat. So Chandra, Andy, Janardan, and I squished into the back seat. My mind spun with the possibility of an accident. 4 adults not seatbelted in. Sounds very safe. So Chandra and Carol ended up doing most of the talking, because they are the only people who can converse, even though Art and Andy talked some, and Janardan said something occasionally. When I first got in the car, I had actually been thinking of things to say, but finally gave up when I never got to say anything.

And then there was also the ribbing at dinner. Somehow they got on the topic of kids out of the house, and Art said something about how he thought that his kids had been out of the house, but here they were back. He was joking....but it still made me angry, probably because it felt a little too close to the truth. It made me feel indignant - like don't do us any favors. We don't have to be here. But Carol you know tried to salvage it by saying that she always wanted 3 or 4 kids, so now she had them. And while that sentiment would generally be appreciated, it is not by me when she means that I am a kid like she thinks of kids - ie. not capable of being an adult.

Which of course was demonstrated in the middle of the meal when Carol jumped up and made a huge deal out of Janardan needing this medicine while he ate. And then she feels the need to tell me that Janardan isn't feeling well, and I am like - yeah I have eyes, and I can read whether my husband is feeling well or not, and I don't need you to tell me. And if he wants me to know and doesn't think I know, he'll tell me. You are not needed in the process.

I feel like I will recede more and more to the background, the longer Chandra and Andy are here. And it's not intentional, by them or me. It is just the way I react. When I am around really talkative people, I don't talk very much. But at least in my family, I felt like I could speak up when I had something to say, and here, I don't.

They served meat last night at this house, but I didn't take any. It was not so tempting when I had been eating meat at two meals a day for the past 3 days. So, we'll see what happens next time. I tried to ask Janardan if I could, but he didn't really answer, which I took as a no. But I'll ask him more in depth today.

And also, I wanted Janardan to be able to come to church to hear me sing today, and so I would rather him not be obligated into an outing last night. But we are the kids, and so what we think is not respected. Next time, if I fly, I won't be asking for a ride to the airport. Of course, I don't think I will be flying anywhere else. We're going to Austin in September, and I'll go to Houston in October. So I can be in control of my life. And we can respectfully decline.

Behold, the power of a vehicle in Suburbia.