A Great Night

Things have been going better this week. I bought myself some chocolate, and amazingly it has been helping keep me in better spirits -- that and exercise. And Carol pulled out some puzzles to do together, and it is a lot easier to have good feelings towards someone when they are trying to reach out to you. I think her doing the puzzle thing was just what I needed, because she knows I enjoy when we do puzzles together.

I'll probably blog about tonight on my regular blog, but I am excited, because the lady who I babysat for tonight - I think I may be able to get myself in a position where I am cooking pork chops, steaks, hamburgers. And I got to eat beloved salami tonight. It was glorious. I love meat. Sometimes it is just what I need.

On other fronts, I have not been craving meat as much, so that is getting good. I think I have set myself up so that I can kinda get my craving fulfilled whenever I want - like I feel fine with going out when I need to, and so I feel like it is less scarce, so my cravings are not as bad.

Thanks Deanna for your comment. It meant a lot to me, just to think that you are out there, reading this blog and worrying about me. It makes me feel loved. I'm glad for your support.

I also think that having a bigger social network will really help me with this, just that I may in the future have a place to go, where I can be in a house that has the spirit strong in it, and just get away from it, so I can be happy to come back, and enjoy spending time with Carol. Sometimes I just need to remember that most of humanity is not as negative as she is. It is very wearing.

I also find myself having residual desire to think everything she does is stupid. Like, I can feel myself wanting to be mad at her, wanting to resent her. Like, I know the happiness that comes from loving someone, after overcoming things that bother you about them, but it some ways it feels like I would just feel better being bitter and angry towards her forever. I guess that is the natural man, slapping me in the face. Well, maybe I'll have to slap him back with a little love and compassion - if I can decide to give up those great feelings of animosity.

Non-meat craving

So...eating here is a very depressing venture. Like Carol's idea of protein is vegetarian (of the pork &) beans on the side of bland food. Janardan survives by eating lots of burritos, but I am tired of burritos. At home, I would make tons of meals with beans in them that were very tasty, but here I feel less at liberty to do so, and also I have less notice of whether I will actually be making a meal or not, so it is hard to have beans soaked and cooking. I really should have brought a crockpot. I am tempted to buy a third one just so I can have one here to cook things in. What I really need are some lentils.

Anyway...so I have been craving beans. Though I would settle for some chicken, or a steak, or pork chop. Also...they are weird about fake-o meat, so no buying like fake sausages or chicken nuggets, which would be another source of protein. Anyway, so now I need to figure out something to eat for dinner. Everyone else already ate while I was at church. So fun times had by all.

Carol Clash

So this morning, Carol was talking to me about Janardan, and how he is only taking one seratonin pill, and how that is doing nothing, and she is talking to me really frustrated about him not taking more, and I couldn't stand just being quiet, so I said, pretty nicely, "He has to do what he thinks is best for him." Which she promptly ignored and said, "Yeah but taking one is like doing nothing. It's not worth taking them." To which I responded, "I think he wants to ramp up gradually." And then she talked about how that was worthless, and didn't he read the thing about bedroom hygiene? He's only supposed to sleep in there. The response to that I kept in my head.

I feel that often my venting is impeded by me understanding why the other person has such positions. Today I am going to dispense with that and just have a good old-fashioned, unreasonable vent fest.

So how I would have liked to respond, "Don't you realize that the reason he does stuff in the bedroom is because it is the one place besides the bathroom that he can have some freedom from your relentless nagging and worrying. It is the one place he can come at night and not have to worry about making 10 decibels of sound and waking you up, followed the next day by you complaining all day about how poorly you slept, because you refuse to close your door? He can't leave the house, because it wears him out to do so, so his one place of solitude in the house is in the bedroom, his one place where he is at least warned about your interference by a knock at the door. It may be ideal for him not to do anything but sleep in the bedroom, but he has no other place to go to get away from your relentless stream of requests and demands. And from your example, waking up 2-3 times a night and you never seem to be rested - this is the convincing argument - that because it works so well for you, that is why he should do it. Just because you don't need time away from yourself does not mean the rest of us don't. You think he wants the center to get him better? He really does not think the center will do much good. He thinks it is quackery. Just as you encourage him to disparage advice given to him by a real doctor, to exercise, he feels just as disparaging of the quacks that you want him to go to. I don't know why we are here, but I doubt greatly it is to come to the fibromyalgia center. You won't get Janardan to eat better by trying to force fruits and veggies down his throat. You won't get him better by trying to force medicine down his throat. The one vindication in you not believing the exercise thig is that when he starts exercising, you will not have the self-righteous feeling that you did something good by badgering him to exercise, because you haven't, and so when he does it, he will do it on his own, because he is ready and wants to."

Ok...so there was my rant. I really need to be getting to church. Honestly, I do not understand why she does not trust Janardan to decide what is best for his body. She has decided she doesn't want to have her gall bladder removed - why can't Janardan decide he doesn't need so much seratonin. It is his body and he deals with the consequences, not her. I know she worries about him, and it affects her life, but that does not make it her life. It is still his life, still his body. He is the controller of his own destiny.

I hope Janardan gets to bed earlier tonight

So naturally when someone wakes up at 5pm, they don't really want to go to bed around 11pm or midnight. This is something I am used to--I have been married to Janardan for over a year and a half. So when I wake up this morning, and Carol is complaining to me about not being able to sleep very well last night, telling me that Janardan went to bed around the time that Art left for the airport (yes Monique he is actually leaving again this week lol), and says "I hope Janardan gets to bed earlier tonight," I cannot help but feel frustrated. He tries to be quiet as a mouse, trying not to wake anybody up, and the only reason he keeps his mom up is because she refuses to close her door at night when she's sleeping. If she is a light sleeper, it seems like she could take the preliminary precaution against waking up - closing her door. And I am like - I am not going to stand here and support you in complaining about my husband staying up late, when you and I both know that it has nothing to do with his choices, but because he is sick.

It's like...if she was wishing that for him, I could feel some sympathy and yeah, that would be nice, for him to be able to sleep regular times. But when she is complaining about my husband, because she will not close her own door, that is infuriating.

And like...I know part of the reason she wants to do that is so she will know exactly what time he went to bed, and I am like - you can't have it both ways. You can't sleep through the night and know when someone else goes to sleep. Me, I have made my choice. It is more important for me to feel rested, so I try to get back to sleep if I wake up in the night. Because I did used to wake up when Janardan would come to bed, because I wanted to check the clock and see what time it was. But that got me exhausted.

I guess it's like - today I am wondering why she even wanted us to come here. She wants to take care of him, but she can't handle taking care of him. And so, when I am like - you are so lucky that we came here to live with you - it is hard for me to hear her complaining about my husband keeping her up at night. It's like she has not learned that she needs to take care of herself to be able to take care of another person.

Anyway, so yeah. She kind of asked me how rested I was. And I said, "Well, considering how late I chose to go to bed, I didn't expect to feel very rested." So boo yah.

Do you want a quesadilla?

Today Janardan ended up not falling asleep until 8am. So he slept most of the day, and didn't eat meals at regular times. So he woke up around dinner time, and so we ate dinner with his family (something he was not looking forward to). Also...I am being petty and complaining about more than necessary, just so you know, but Carol made zucchini and squash, and it was gross. Like...I really like zucchini and squash, cooked and raw, and this was just like greasy and gross. Like I really do not understand how you go wrong, except it is Carol, so I know she can go wrong with anything. She did, however, succeed in making a yummy potato dish, and how was that, ladies and gentlemen? By cooking out of a box. Thank goodness for Betty Crocker's scalloped potatoes. And she didn't really mess them up, so that was a plus.

Anyway, so the real reason I am writing this is because a few hours after dinner, I figured Janardan was probably hungry, and I asked him, and he said he was, so I told him I'd make him some burritos. So I go in to make him burritos, and I make the burritos, and make a salad to go on the side, and grab some blueberries from the fridge. And so I am making this food, and Carol asks "Do you think Janardan would like a quesadilla?" I would have just flat out said "This is probably enough food for him," but I thought maybe there was an extra quesadilla, and so I thought there would be no harm in giving him some leftovers with the meal, so I said, "I don't know." So she went and asked him and he said "sure." So then she proceeds to get out the waffle-maker, and make his a quesadilla. And I like want to start crying on the spot. Like seriously, this seems so rude to me. I make him a whole entire meal, complete with veggies and fruit, and she feels the need to make something else, like what I made was not good enough. And it doesn't matter that intellectually I know that is not what she is thinking, because she is not thinking, that is still how it feels to me. She can't appreciate me taking care of her son -- she has to do it herself. But she doesn't even do that. I was planning on just letting her pilot this thing, letting her take care of everything, but she wasn't. The first few weeks here, we were going hungry, and not just because she wasn't making any food, but because there was no food in the house to be consumed, besides potatoes.

And so yes, it annoys me to no end when, if she feels this obligation to take care of my husband, why she doesn't do it before I feel like he is not being taken care of. It is like she only does it when I am already doing something for him. And I am like...what the crap. If you would do this in the first place, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. But you are still going to worry even if I do everything.

Anyway, so yeah. But after I told Janardan that this bothered me, and I went back out to give him his salad dressing, there were plates on the floor between us, but he reached out his arms to give me a hug. And so I wanted to cry again, and at least let myself feel some of it. My husband is so good to me.

Carol is driving me insane

It may be that my hormones are out of wack. Well, yes of course it is that, but it is also the fact that she is insane, and has no idea how to respect adults.

Art

I really like Janardan's dad. He gets little grins about things, and says clever things, and I just think he's very funny.

Last night we were watching a movie, and he was making popcorn, and so he got me popcorn and some orange juice, and he brought it all over to me, without making me feel bad for him doing it for me. It reminds me of how I feel when my dad does stuff for me, where you can just truly appreciate it. So it was nice.

With Carol, it is hard to appreciate anything she does, just because there is always stress associated with it. So last night, it was like, a breath of fresh air to have Art get me some popcorn. He's a cool guy.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

So the drama with the airfare. I never really addressed this (as my sister kept pointing out to me), and today it was relevant again, so I'll give you the back story.

I bought tickets to go out to Maryland, and my mom bought tickets for me to go to a quilt show in Columbus with her. Well...when I asked Janardan how I should tell his parents, he seemed to think that by not consulting them beforehand, I had created a situation that would eventually result in drama. I was really confused by this, as I kind of just bought the tickets - I thought that his parents might be weird about it, but figured...hey, they don't really have a right to be - I'm an adult, and I don't necessarily need them to drive me to the airport. Anyway, so I was quite miffed about this situation, and didn't know how to broach the subject. So til now, the subjects have been undiscussed.

Then today I was working on my latest rainbow quilt, and Carol started getting some stuff out and showing me some embroidery that her family had done, and so I kind of slipped it in that I am going to a quilt show in Columbus with my mom, and going to take a class on embroidery. And no real reaction from her, but not the weird undercurrent non-reaction that I anticipated should I just bring it up out of the blue.

So I am hoping that some situation will present itself for the Maryland subject. Even so, probably within the next week, I should tell her about that one, just so she has some notice.

Anyway, so I was glad, and it was fun talking projects with Carol. So, there ya go.
"Everywhere you go, there you are." -Carol

Meat meat meat

So today there was a ward dinner, and they were serving taco salad. The first time around I got a normal taco salad. Then I went back twice to just get meat. I felt like such a carnivore. It wasn't even really that great of meat. Like under normal circumstances I would have barely eaten much of the first serving.

I also met a lady today who thinks her husband has fibromyalgia. They're dealing with similar stuff anyway (you know except for us not having three kids). I am looking forward to getting to know her better. She is like...exactly the kind of person that I have needed as a friend. Someone who understands. So I am enticed to make efforts with her.

Cooking with Carol: The New Cooking Show!

So one of the worst things about cooking here is Carol's interventions. This is why I make it a point not to cook when she is in the kitchen. This is also why I only cook things that will take a long time when she is not in the house, should she happen to enter the kitchen.

The story is Janardan's lunch. He is making macaroni, and she asks him if he wants something with it - like peas or corn. He says, "How about a salad," and she says, "A salad isn't nutritional." Hence the poll. Like...this is something that mystifies me. A salad is like the basic understood healthy food. It seems like whenever people are trying to be healthy, they think they should eat more salads. And on top of this, her suggestion is peas or corn. Now peas are pretty good for you, and corn is too, but it is a starch vegetable, and most people get enough starchy veggies, and not enough -- bing bing bing - green veggies, especially leafy. Anyway, so this is her view of the world...salads are not nutritional. I will never understand how that woman thinks, or the lack thereof.

After this report from Janardan, I receive the next. She is starting to interfere with his macaroni making -- she thinks the water is boiling too much, so she starts to turn it down (much to Janardan's chagrin at her intervention), and then it stops boiling. Her response: "It's going from one extreme to the other."

Today I am glad that I can be reminded of my wisdom of not cooking with her around. Like I can take some interfering in other areas, but if someone messes with me in the kitchen, especially when they have no idea how to make good food...that is something I cannot stand.

So I can laugh and smile about it, because it is not happening to me. Also, I remembered last night when some of the best times that I have with Carol come. And it is when it is late, and I will just start making snarky comments, and she thinks they are hilarious. I will kind of open up, and she is kind of punchy already, so it is a good combination. I had like a lot of fun last night. So that was good.

Poll:

Is a salad nutritional?

Pork Chops

Ok...so if you read comments, you may have seen that I had a dream about pork chops, and I said it half-satiated me. And it did, but it also made me really want pork chops, and good dad pork chops with onions and butter, or Kyle pork chops with brown sugar and walnuts - those are far away, because they can't be bought at a restaurant. Most pork chops at restaurants are ok, but nothing great. I also have a craving for steak sauce. A1 Thick and Hearty...mmm'boy.

So the latest in powerplay news is plane tickets, but I don't feel about writing about that right now, but now that I have mentioned it, maybe I will write about it later.

In other news, I have been analyzing Janardan's mother, and I think I have come to feel a portion of compassion for her. I often think that she deals with things in a stupid way, or can't problem solve, and never really understands situations, and I resent those facts, or just think less of her because of them. And then a day or two ago I just kind of thought - how would I feel if I couldn't problem solve? And I was like...I'd feel so helpless. And I begun to understand a little more why she is the way she is, because she feels helpless. I guess I just never really thought that people could lack essential problem solving. I mean, I've kind of noticed this tendency on a small scale with Janardan, but I guess still he just wasn't trying to problem solve at all.

I actually had a pretty enjoyable day with them (her included). We watched the birds drink the puddles, watched America's Funniest Home Videos, and went to dinner. Today I see the wisdom of my actions the past few days. By taking time for myself, I recharged myself and could enjoy her company for an extended period of time. It is like - victory. I have figured out how to get it to work. If I can minimize the exposure when the negative feelings are there, express them elsewhere, then when I am ready for the positive experiences, they can be there, and I can be understood as a person who enjoys her company, but is maybe somewhat...oh whatever the word is. Not that that is the way she thinks, but I figure positive experiences are good all the way around.

Craving Satiated...for a few minutes

One whole day with no possibility of meat. I wonder if Monday will be meat free.

My Sister Is Cruel

She did not just mention any meat to me today. Not just a simple hotdog or hamburger, or some chicken nugget, but she mentioned J-Dawgs. Not only is this out of reach to me in a vegetarian household, it is out of reach to me anywhere in Texas, even if I should venture out of the house. My meat craving has come back again. It hasn't even been a whole 24 hours. I tell you, I never craved meat so much when it was so available. I was content to eat almonds, beans, veggies. Now I still like eating those things, but my stomach yearns for what it cannot have.

I am also coming to an interesting dilemma, which I thought I might face tonight, but since Janardan may not be going to this party, I may not have to. And that is: should I attempt to refrain from eating meat when it is being served to me at another person's house when my in-laws are present?

It is a quandary. First of all, it could be hard for me to refrain, seeing as my meat cravings have been getting pretty strong. But, I am not sure how his dad would react to this. So tonight I dodge a bullet, but I am sure I will have to face this situation eventually, especially since we are traveling up to North Dakota with them, and their families are not vegetarian. I somehow feel more leary now that we are living with them - that his dad may expect me to more conform to his ways. I suppose I could just ask him. Maybe I will sometime, except we are never really alone, and that would seem the most appropriate venue. I guess we may on some occasion be alone with Janardan there, and that would be okay, but I would worry about Janardan stressing about me asking his dad in the first place. I guess I will play it by ear for now.

Blandness Unrefrained

So, the real disappointment with Carol's cooking is that nothing (except her Chili) has any flavor. I thought it was just her hallmark meal -- baked potatoes with vegetables on the side - she also apparently does not believe in salt. Now I understand that some things are fine without salt, and too much salt is bad - blah blah blah, but no salt in anything makes everything taste like crap.

Like the other night - she had been talking about making potatoes with broccoli and cheese. I was actually anticipating eating this meal as it sounded tasty, and I didn't think you could go wrong. But no...it was bland! Broccoli and cheese were bland! I was shocked that this meal sucked so much. So halfway through the meal I stood up and went and got the salt, because I was desperate, and even as much salt as I could get on there, it did not really make it that much better. I really do not understand how you mess that up. Like I have made things that are less exciting, and that are flavors that I think are so-so, but I have never had something that completely lacked flavor. That must be a peculiar talent that she has.

And it is really funny her misperceptions. As in she thinks that Janardan doesn't like regular potatoes. He had told me this before, that he doesn't particularly favor sweet potatoes, but asked his mom one time if he could try a sweet potato instead, and since then, she has thought he prefers them to regular potatoes. So I was making myself a baked potato, on which I put cheese and broccoli, and she said, "Janardan wouldn't really want to eat something like that would he?" After which she said, "Well I know he only really likes sweet potatoes. I do know that." To which I smiled inside and did not respond.

Now it may seem rude to not respond, and generally I would think so too, but Carol speaks in such a way that most of the times it would be awkward to respond. I don't know if this has been her style of communication all her life, or it has come as a result of being married to Art, who is much less responsive than the normal person. Probably a deadly combination.

Also yesterday I came to an interesting realization. Janardan's mom had made chili for lunch (her chili is yummy, but has about 7-8 different vegetables, so naturally Janardan cannot eat it without getting sick). She asked him if he was going to have some, and he said, "Oh maybe later." And it was like - ding ding ding. Because he had no real intention of eating any, it was just a way to avoid offending his mom and causing strife. And Janardan will do this to me, and I always wonder why - like I keep telling him - "NO! Tell me if you are really going to eat any or not." So now I have learned that I can add to it, "Remember, I am not your mom. I do really want to know whether you are going to eat it or not." So, living here may be beneficial in coming to understand why Janardan does some of the peculiar things he does, and helping him realize that he can act differently with me.

I think when I start writing again, I am going to go to the library. I really need ample amounts of time away from the house and away from Carol in order to keep up my friendliness towards her. The first few days, I was spending a lot of time with her, and I think it was a bit too much. So I will figure something out.

It is so nice to have a venue where I can write about what is really going on. I have had so many urges to write stuff on my normal blog, but do not want to drama that could come from that. Sometimes it is better for people not to know the negative feelings you have for them, especially when the person is incapable of there being a positive outcome from the exchange. So here I can vent. Here I can share, and here I can express how I am trying to figure out a balance between Carol thinking that I am not trying to avoid her, and avoiding her enough that I actually like spending time with her, lol.

Scarcity breeds Desire

Ever since I married Janardan, I have not been a big meat eater. I do like it, and will occasionally crave it, but can go for weeks at a time without eating meat, and I am fine with that. However, as soon as I knew I was moving to Texas, I started eating meat like crazy, because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat meat here. When Janardan joined the church, the only thing his dad said to him was, "If you eat meat, I'll kick you out of the house." So with that story under my belt, I figured it would be respectful to not eat meat under the roof of my in-laws.

I have been here a week. Monday I started craving meat, and fortunately Janardan and I had a date planned on Wednesday, so we went out, and after a desperate search, finally arrived at a Panda Express, where I could partake of their wonderful chicken. And then yesterday I was already craving meat again. And tonight, I took a walk in the neighborhood and smelled someone grilling out. So, when Janardan wanted me to go get him Taco Bueno, I thought I would have a good excuse to go out and get a burger. But...I am in Texas, I don't know where to get a good burger (I am thinking Stan's type burger here, not some McDonald's crap). And this is probably what motivated me to start this blog -- I was telling Janardan I really wanted a burger, but didn't know where to get one, and he told me about this place called Steak-n-Shake. I don't know, I just thought it was sweet that even though he doesn't eat me, he tried to help me find a place to get a burger. He is a good husband.

Anyway, so the only real reason I made this a private blog is to avoid conflict with my in-laws should they happen to find my blog. And so I'll use it to write not just about meat, but about whatever stuff is going on there that I wouldn't want to put on my public blog. It's weird to make a blog private just to avoid basically three people from reading it, but such are the sacrifices made when appeasing in-laws.

Disclaimer: I am not actually a carnivore, but an omnivore. I am aware of this fact.