I Love Church

It is odd for me, because I feel more comfortable being myself and sharing myself at church than I do at home (except on the computer with Janardan) with Janardan's family. I am more used to church being a social occasion where I feel less comfortable being myself, because it is a larger group and I tend to be better one on one. Anyway, they asked me to sing a while back, and so I decided to sing "I Believe in Christ" because the song has had some cool meanings to me in the past.

So I sang it today, and it was a very emotional experience. I kind of anticipated it, so I told myself I could get teary-eyed, but I needed to keep singing, so I couldn't all-out cry. And so I wasn't as aware what particular phrases were hitting me, but as soon as I got back to my seat, I was just overcome, crying and crying (as silently as possible). And then in Relief Society we had a lesson about degrees, and how just being off a few degrees can lead you down. So with all this swirling around, and the great feeling that accompanies the refreshing nature of church, I have a somewhat changed attitude towards Carol. I don't know how long it will last - hence why I keep going back to church lol, but I can feel somewhat emotionally neutral toward her. And I know eventually I'd like to care about her, but I think emotional neutrality is a great place to be right now.

I'm not one to beat myself up if I falter either. So I will probably slip back in here and complain about her sometimes, but I guess now you can anticipate perhaps some more positive posts.

Like today, there was talk of going to Papaya's, a restaurant. And she asked Janardan what he wanted to do. And he said - whatever everybody else wants. She was obviously trying to make it so that he could do what he was most comfortable with, but she failed to do so, because then he just made a decision based on what he thought everyone else wanted, as opposed to what he wanted. And I was able to re-analyze the way things are for her, how she ends up failing at pretty much everything she tries to do.

And I thought - maybe I should be feeling pity for her or something. But then I thought, no, just being able to think that without feeling animosity towards her is enough. It is intellectual acknowledgement, I think, that leads me to being adaptable. When I can get to the point where I can accept that things are the way they are, then good things will follow.

So I am hopeful, and after my rant from yesterday, I can imagine you can tell that I am feeling much better today. Hence, I love church.