A Great Night

Things have been going better this week. I bought myself some chocolate, and amazingly it has been helping keep me in better spirits -- that and exercise. And Carol pulled out some puzzles to do together, and it is a lot easier to have good feelings towards someone when they are trying to reach out to you. I think her doing the puzzle thing was just what I needed, because she knows I enjoy when we do puzzles together.

I'll probably blog about tonight on my regular blog, but I am excited, because the lady who I babysat for tonight - I think I may be able to get myself in a position where I am cooking pork chops, steaks, hamburgers. And I got to eat beloved salami tonight. It was glorious. I love meat. Sometimes it is just what I need.

On other fronts, I have not been craving meat as much, so that is getting good. I think I have set myself up so that I can kinda get my craving fulfilled whenever I want - like I feel fine with going out when I need to, and so I feel like it is less scarce, so my cravings are not as bad.

Thanks Deanna for your comment. It meant a lot to me, just to think that you are out there, reading this blog and worrying about me. It makes me feel loved. I'm glad for your support.

I also think that having a bigger social network will really help me with this, just that I may in the future have a place to go, where I can be in a house that has the spirit strong in it, and just get away from it, so I can be happy to come back, and enjoy spending time with Carol. Sometimes I just need to remember that most of humanity is not as negative as she is. It is very wearing.

I also find myself having residual desire to think everything she does is stupid. Like, I can feel myself wanting to be mad at her, wanting to resent her. Like, I know the happiness that comes from loving someone, after overcoming things that bother you about them, but it some ways it feels like I would just feel better being bitter and angry towards her forever. I guess that is the natural man, slapping me in the face. Well, maybe I'll have to slap him back with a little love and compassion - if I can decide to give up those great feelings of animosity.