One Down, One to Go

So like yesterday Carol and I actually had a bonding moment. We were eating dinner together, just the two of us, and she was commenting on how bad it is that Janardan doesn't drink enough water, etc. etc. And I just quietly, but firmly told her that he would drink more water if she would stop pestering him about it. And then she got mad at me, saying that she didn't need to sit with him in the doctors all day and then be blamed for the situation, or whatever. And I was like - no that's not at all what I was trying to say. And she ran off.

So I went to find her, and I couldn't find her, and I finally did, and I gave her a hug, and she said she knows it's hard for me too, but she's just worried about him not getting better before she dies, and all this other stuff. So she was actually getting down to some real emotion, which I can relate to and feel for, and empathize with, instead of the anger toward Janardan for not doing more for his health. So yesterday before this, I was like...I don't know how I am going to stay here 4 more months, but after that interchange, I was like - ok I can stay here longer.

But now I am back to wondering how much I can take of this, but not of Carol, but Chandra. It's like, when we moved in here, I figured out a delicate balance of how to deal with Carol, what to help with and what to leave to her, etc. And all this Carol still seems fine with, but Chandra seems upset, because she has a different balance with her. Her mom wants her to help more, or Chandra wants to help more, so she does more stuff, and I can feel the quiet annoyance/judgment from Chandra everytime I interact with her. Like I thought I wanted to stay in my room before, but it is nothing to now.

Also I came to a realization yesterday, which I guess I sort of sensed all along, but like, never really came to terms with. And it's that Carol doesn't really accept me as Janardan's wife. She thinks I should be different, that I should be more like her, and because I'm not, she doesn't think I'm a good wife for Janardan, and she blames me for him getting worse and worse in Utah. I am kind of like - duh why didn't I figure that out all along. Realizing that actually makes her easier to deal with.

Also I really think Carol could benefit from some counseling. Like, she just doesn't let herself think or feel those real things. She masks it with a lot of anger, and so she doesn't deal with those things. I don't know, I just think she could figure out how to be happy, which is something that I think really eludes her.

Anyway, so yeah, Chandra being here is worse than it was before. Because with Carol, it's always just been the sense that she doesn't care about me, whereas Chandra it is more that she feels animosity toward me and my husband, so it's not a fun situation. And it's like, whenever I am around her and she is not talking, I feel myself justifying my actions in my head, as to why I am the way I am, and why I am doing the things I am doing. It's like - if Chandra decides she's not mad at me, then we can have a great time and I really enjoy being around her, but the minute I do something that upsets her world, and that is a lot, then I'm hated. There is no in between.

Also I said to my sister the other day that North Dakota was fun, and she was like - oh I didn't think so. Anyway, so to clarify, I loved meeting all the people there, and I cannot wait for me and Janardan to go up there again (we are currently planning on going in November when we leave here, either right after we get to Utah, or we'll go there and then to Utah). Janardan's aunt Lynn was like...amazing. She just welcomed me with open arms, and we got along really well, and she had me help in the kitchen, and she just really helped me feel like I was in my element. Anyway, so it was great to see her, and it was fun to stay with his grandma and other aunt and uncle. And I fell in love with North Dakota. I love the grasslands, all the beautiful fields and lakes. It was gorgeous, and just the pace of life that I like. I was sad even when we got to Fargo, just to see all the concrete. I missed the nature. And Janardan felt so good there. Like we were outside over half the time we were there, we were around cats and dogs, and he seemed to fare pretty well. Like, I have never been outside with Janardan so much, and I love being outside. So I would love if he wanted to go to school there for a masters or doctorate to see if we could like living there year-round. To me, being somewhere where he could enjoy the outdoors would be worth it.