North Dakota

Getting up here was a pain. 22 hours straight of talking, after insistence that it was most important that we do what was best for Janardan....lack of sleep seem like a good idea to anyone else? Yeah, me neither.

Then there was drama because I was stressed by being couped up in a car all day with people who say things behind each others back right in front of them (Carol) or are just straight up rude to them (Chandra). So I couldn't stomach to force myself to eat a jelly sandwich, and so I was going to go without eating. Then we stopped at a fast food joint for Janardan, so I didn't think it would be a big deal if I got something. Well, it was, and then it was a big deal to Chandra that Janardan and I did not insist on paying, at which point she felt the right to question us about our financial decisions, and question what I was choosing to do with my life (ie not work).

There was somewhat of a relief when Janardan initiated a discussion with all parties involved actually speaking to each other, instead of comments behind people's backs in small packs. But then it just descended into Chandra saying that me and Janardan shoudl have insisted to pay...over and over again. By the third or fourth time, Art told her she wasn't helping, and that ended the conversation.

But...now that we are here, I am loving being here. Like, I don't want to go back to Texas. Like, I have to deal with Carol still, but I get to be around Lynn, so it is all worth it. Lynn is an awesome lady. She just like...is really neat. And her and Bob have a really strong marriage, and good things emanate from that. But, it is annoying because I would love to talk to her pretty much non-stop. But Carol is always there, and I think she is of the mindset that her mouth needs to be moving at least 60% of the time in a conversation, so I have to fight to put a comment it, and when she is around, I just get used to not contributing to the conversation. Like she went to do something, and was gone for maybe 3-4 minutes. And Janardan, Lynn, and I got straight to compelling, important issues. Like, the way Lynn talked about how it was going to be stressful for us all under one roof -- and like, because she was thinking about our feelings, and caring about us - like I felt compelled to say that Carol didn't need the kind of stress that would be coming too.

Also like, Carol was being decidedly odd tonight. Like she acted similarly last night, but I had just assumed it was because she had consumed alcohol. She was saying tons of offensive things - one of which I took offense to, which for me is rare. I can't on the top of my head remember a specific instance of feeling offended before, but I imagine if I thought longer, I'd be able to come up with maybe 4-5 instances. We mentioned going to church tomorrow, and she kind of dodged the topic, with not responding. (We don't have our own vehicle here, and so we'd have to borrow their vehicle). Anyway, so then she started talking about how there are no mormons in North Dakota - they kicked them all out, and she was talking as North Dakotan here.

So, Janardan finally pressed the issue later, and she passed the decision onto Art. He said it was an issue with the insurance, and so we couldn't borrow the car to drive through the safest place to drive in the nation. Not to mention that before when I have asked to borrow a vehicle to do things around Plano, they will oblige. I have driven the very vehicle in question before, and also a different vehicle. And so it is like, the one time it is most important to me, the one time I need church to be able to calm me and give me strength for the coming week, then I can't borrow the car. I wish I would have just asked Bob and Lynn to begin with, but I thought I should follow the proper channels.

Like I am craving the sacrament. When I asked Janardan what I should do - more in the way of - there is nothing to be done - he said we can watch a conference session. So that should be good, but like, I need the sacrament. Need to wash away all the anger from the past week, let myself let go of it, and start anew this week.

And the dilemma? I have solved it. What I needed to realize was that it is my decision whether to eat meat in front of the rest of the family. So when I came to realize it was my decision, I thought it through, and the one person I cared about it affecting was Art. He seems to have some small amount of respect for me, when Chandra and Carol seem to have none. And so, I'd rather not alienate him, and I'd rather respect his wishes. I'm not a vegetarian, but I can choose not to eat meat around Art if that makes him feel more comfortable. It is always great to feel like you have a choice. And so I could make mine.

I was thinking today that when I envisioned getting married - I always envisioned that I would have the kind of relationship with my mother-in-law that I can already see forming with Lynn. I told Janardan that I wished Lynn was his mother. But, I guess the challenge I get here with Carol is that I would just never get close at all to a person like Carol unless I was forced into it. Well mother-in-lawing is pretty forceful, and I want to have a somewhat good relationship with her. And I am sure someday I will.

Janardan commented that his mother says so many things that are offensive that she is lucky Lynn is so smoothing over, because otherwise she could start lots of arguments. And it made me feel good, at least, that I do not argue with her. I suppose it could be a lot worse. I act the way I act to survive for now, but it also leaves open the opportunity for change (I anticipate mainly on my part) in the future. So I felt good about the way I am dealing with things. It is not optimal in most situations I deal with, but for now with her it works, letting me prepare myself all by myself, for the day when I feel ready to make a change in our relationship.