Things are good in general...blah blah

So things are really looking up and I have been getting a lot happier here, but you know, of course that would not bring me here to write on my blog!

So a few days ago Janardan bought an Xbox 360 with his birthday money for the past you know 2 years or so. Anyway, so apparently when Andy noticed, he said "That's an awfully big purchase for an unemployed couple." I got this second-hand from Janardan today...and I am like...so pissed about it, and Andy and Chandra's general financial attitude toward us. Like...Chandra is very open with us about her finances, but I am not open at all about our finances with their parents, much less Chandra. I really don't think they are any of her business. I don't remember if I related this earlier, but she wondered why I bought Janardan an ipod for his birthday as well (which we returned because he decided he didnt want), and also wondered why I'm not working while I am here.

When we first planned on coming here, I figured we'd get our own apartment, and so I would get a job to pay for it, or we'd working something out and his parents would help. But then his mom said she thought we would just stay at their house, so I decided it was worth saving the money, and it might be good for relations with them, as it would force me to work through some of my problems with them (which it has).

I asked Janardan why it bothers them, and my conclusion after talking to him is that they don't believe he needs to get better. They don't believe in what he has, and so they think we are here just being lazy. And it's like, now that I know that, I know there is nothing in action that I can really do about it that I am not doing already (like starting to help with meals, which has been the positive aspect of my week), because I am not going to go and get a job, thus taking me away from being able to take care of Janardan. The whole point of being here is so he can figure out how to work with his body and how to get himself feeling somewhat better, and my point in being here is to figure out how I can get systems into my life where I am just taking care of Janardan and it doesn't feel like so much effort. And both of those things are starting to happen, though not being completed. And it's like - none of that would be happening, and none of the progress with his family would be coming if I was going out to work 20-40 hours a week. And so I am like - I don't have to prove my existence to you. What do you want Janardan to do to show you that he is sick. Oh wait, probably the reason they think he is lazy is because he does pretty much the same thing that Andy is doing all day...sitting around on the computer and playing video games. And I understand, he is between jobs and doesn't have much else to do. But just because he is being lazy when doing that does not mean that my husband, who is sick with a chronic disesase, is lazy when he does the same things. He does those things because he prefers doing them to laying in bed all daying feeling sorry for himself, and dwelling on the pain. It just makes me so mad that they judge him so harshly, and it makes me mad at Carol for the things she says that make them think that, because she explains Janardan in such a bad way. She feels for him, but no one else does. His dad does only because Janardan actually talks to him about how he's feeling, not because of anything his dad knows from Carol. But I also know she doesn't mean to, but it makes me mad, because she is giving them this impression that they have of him.
Anyway, we are off to go swimming. Yes, that is right - two times in one week, Janardan and I are swimming. He's working so hard to get feeling better. He's not slept hardly this week, and still trying to start exercising. I love him.

Things are really looking up

I think I have found my opportunity that I have been waiting for. That opportunity showing itself last night. Carol requested that Chandra and I make meals this week while Art is gone. We both said that would be fine. So I am going to make two meals, and Chandra will make two meals. After which, she said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned, and suggested that we take a rotation for it. Chandra cleaned the bathroom last week and then she offered to clean it again today. I said that I would be fine cleaning anything, but I would need to know from them what they wanted to be done, because I know they are more particular than me. To which Carol responded, "Things are so bad here - anything is better than nothing."

And bing, that is a kind of attitude I can work with. So today, I not only cooked dinner, I unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it, did all the dishes from cooking dinner, set the table, and cleaned up after dinner. And Carol enjoyed my dinner and thanked me for making it. So today, things are good. And I talked to Chandra for a while while I was cooking dinner.

All in all, a good day. I love cooking.

Two down?

I was right. I was looking forward to Chandra coming, and it was because I saw that we would probably have nights like tonight. It wasn't a conversation where I got to bare my soul or really talk that much about myself at all really, but I got to listen and do what I am good at - be interested in another person's life. She talked to me, and it was nice.

I really do like Chandra. It is this aspect of Chandra that makes me care about her more than Carol - because she shares with me, and can talk to me, and can actually have some sort of meaningful conversation. I hope to be able to have something akin to this with Carol, but I don't forsee that happening when she still treats my husband like a toddler. But anyway, so Chandra and I had a good talk tonight, and I was sad when her dad called her away to vacuum the bathroom.

Today I feel the carnivore becoming, at least a little, tamed.

I'm A Ball of Nerves

So, I've noticed that I am taking on Carol's personality traits - i.e. I am a ball of nerves. I realized this yesterday, when I was freaking out at the temple about nothing, and was like - why am I freaking out - I don't freak out like this. And since then, I have noticed it so much more. Just an hour ago, Janardan and I were out for dinner, and I was like - I am feeling relaxed and calm - it is so nice to be me, and then we got home and wham - I was back to a ball of nerves. Though, in recognizing it, I am handling it somewhat better and able to overcome some of it. But man is it going to be a fight. Like...I can't take being like this. This is not me. And I won't let it become me.

Chandra and Carol were gone in the middle of the day today, and that was nice. I made lunch, and asked Andy if he wanted some, so Andy Janardan and I ate lunch together, and then after lunch we attacked the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded most of the dishes. It felt good to do it even if I knew that I was probably doing something that someone would complain about. That is why I didn't want to be here for dinner tonight, so I could avoid hearing the complaints.

I already feel like I need another vacation - since the quilt show, not North Dakota. Three and a half more months. That doesn't sound terrible. I can do this.

Dealing with Adversity

We all have natural reactions to adversity. My reaction is to get quiet, and to get by myself, to avoid contention at all possible costs without having to deal with problems directly. I will do pretty much anything to avoid causing unpleasantness and contention, if it is something I can foresee. Unfortunately, in this situation, I can see all too clearly. Chandra is upset because I, and the men in the house, do not help with the dishes. So it should seem easy to avoid contention - help with the dishes, which would be my natural reaction, and I would enjoy it. Whenever I envisioned in-laws, I imagined they would love me because I was so willing to help around the house. But I guess I also envisioned in-laws a bit more like my own mother, where if someone else is doing it, their way is fine with her. So the reason I really don't do dishes in the first place is because Carol is particular about the way she likes dishes to be done, and the kitchen to be cleaned. And well, pretty much everything else too, but that's not relevant right now. My inclination to help around the kitchen was squashed the day I watched Chandra clean the whole kitchen, then Carol came home and yelled at her for doing it wrong. And my impression has not been changed by other interactions in the kitchen. I imagine if I chose to help in the kitchen, I would be waylayed with all the things I was doing wrong. No one would be happy with what I did in the kitchen.

So I have chosen the past of least resistance - doing nothing. It is minimal contention, and I can get away from it fairly quickly, but I would really prefer to have a solution with no contention. My general second option to pre-emptively dealing with the contention is talking it out with the person involved, but there again I lack any hope of that actually working. In the car ride when we were talking, Chandra could not for one second see my point of view, or concede that I might act from different dictates than her. She has her own little view of the world, and she thinks everyone else should hold the same view, to the point where talking to her seems pretty much futile. My old roommate Carolyn just blogged about how she had a random miracle with wheat puffs giving her an enjoyable church experience. I am searching for my wheat puffs.

Beef Jerky does the Trick

So I ate meat in front of Janardan's family while we were in North Dakota. Between that and having a bag of beef jerky in my car for whenever I need it, my crazy meat cravings have settled down. I haven't had any meat since we left North Dakota. Probably a week and a half ago was the last time, and I have been fine. I am even going out today, and thought oh I could go get some meat, but decided I didn't really need it. So checkbox to vegetarianism....now comes "other trials".

Bonding Over

Ok..so I get petty. Now, I realize that I am being petty because of underlying problems in the relationship - mainly that I don't think Carol cares about me, and doesn't think I am good for her son, but you know, sometimes it is fun to be petty. Because I can win.

Like...banana bread. Carol has a recipe for banana bread, which she calls banana cake. She says, "I don't think banana bread has 1 cup of sugar in it, do you?" To which I don't reply, because...I think banana bread probably often has a cup of sugar in it. It is a sweet bread. It is not bread bread. It's like zucchini bread. I would not be surprised if that had a cup of sugar in it. Anyway, so I thought I would look and get a consensus from the internet. Looking at about the first ten recipes on google, there were about 8 that had one cup of sugar (one said you *could* use 3/4), 1 that called for 3/4 cup and one that called for 2/3 cup. So...yes, most banana bread does call for 1 cup of sugar.

Well...in the middle of writing that paragraph, I became deflated. Chandra came and asked, "If you're not going to do your dishes, can you scrape your food off, because I don't appreciate scraping off other people's food." To which I said, ok. To which Janardan said, "Why did you say ok?" As in I don't really know what she is talking about in particular. I assume she is referring to a pan I used last night, and I am just like - I don't know what to do in this situation. The way I am used to dealing with things like that is soaking them, and then things come right off. But there is not really an appropriate place for soaking in this house, so I leave them to be dealt with in someone else's manner. Which used to be Carol, but now that Chandra is here, she is all annoyed that I am not doing more. That much is obvious. And I am like - it is not my fault that you are choosing to help your mom with the dishes.

It's just that I am making the decision to be seen as lazy rather than to be deemed incompetent. Carol has a very particular way she likes dishes to be done, and I don't really care to learn her ways, because it took Chandra however many years to learn it, and her mom still isn't happy with everything she does. So, there you have it. I am choosing to be perceived as lazy, but I still butt up against it, because it bothers me to be perceived so, because I have a reason for doing so. Oh well.

One Down, One to Go

So like yesterday Carol and I actually had a bonding moment. We were eating dinner together, just the two of us, and she was commenting on how bad it is that Janardan doesn't drink enough water, etc. etc. And I just quietly, but firmly told her that he would drink more water if she would stop pestering him about it. And then she got mad at me, saying that she didn't need to sit with him in the doctors all day and then be blamed for the situation, or whatever. And I was like - no that's not at all what I was trying to say. And she ran off.

So I went to find her, and I couldn't find her, and I finally did, and I gave her a hug, and she said she knows it's hard for me too, but she's just worried about him not getting better before she dies, and all this other stuff. So she was actually getting down to some real emotion, which I can relate to and feel for, and empathize with, instead of the anger toward Janardan for not doing more for his health. So yesterday before this, I was like...I don't know how I am going to stay here 4 more months, but after that interchange, I was like - ok I can stay here longer.

But now I am back to wondering how much I can take of this, but not of Carol, but Chandra. It's like, when we moved in here, I figured out a delicate balance of how to deal with Carol, what to help with and what to leave to her, etc. And all this Carol still seems fine with, but Chandra seems upset, because she has a different balance with her. Her mom wants her to help more, or Chandra wants to help more, so she does more stuff, and I can feel the quiet annoyance/judgment from Chandra everytime I interact with her. Like I thought I wanted to stay in my room before, but it is nothing to now.

Also I came to a realization yesterday, which I guess I sort of sensed all along, but like, never really came to terms with. And it's that Carol doesn't really accept me as Janardan's wife. She thinks I should be different, that I should be more like her, and because I'm not, she doesn't think I'm a good wife for Janardan, and she blames me for him getting worse and worse in Utah. I am kind of like - duh why didn't I figure that out all along. Realizing that actually makes her easier to deal with.

Also I really think Carol could benefit from some counseling. Like, she just doesn't let herself think or feel those real things. She masks it with a lot of anger, and so she doesn't deal with those things. I don't know, I just think she could figure out how to be happy, which is something that I think really eludes her.

Anyway, so yeah, Chandra being here is worse than it was before. Because with Carol, it's always just been the sense that she doesn't care about me, whereas Chandra it is more that she feels animosity toward me and my husband, so it's not a fun situation. And it's like, whenever I am around her and she is not talking, I feel myself justifying my actions in my head, as to why I am the way I am, and why I am doing the things I am doing. It's like - if Chandra decides she's not mad at me, then we can have a great time and I really enjoy being around her, but the minute I do something that upsets her world, and that is a lot, then I'm hated. There is no in between.

Also I said to my sister the other day that North Dakota was fun, and she was like - oh I didn't think so. Anyway, so to clarify, I loved meeting all the people there, and I cannot wait for me and Janardan to go up there again (we are currently planning on going in November when we leave here, either right after we get to Utah, or we'll go there and then to Utah). Janardan's aunt Lynn was like...amazing. She just welcomed me with open arms, and we got along really well, and she had me help in the kitchen, and she just really helped me feel like I was in my element. Anyway, so it was great to see her, and it was fun to stay with his grandma and other aunt and uncle. And I fell in love with North Dakota. I love the grasslands, all the beautiful fields and lakes. It was gorgeous, and just the pace of life that I like. I was sad even when we got to Fargo, just to see all the concrete. I missed the nature. And Janardan felt so good there. Like we were outside over half the time we were there, we were around cats and dogs, and he seemed to fare pretty well. Like, I have never been outside with Janardan so much, and I love being outside. So I would love if he wanted to go to school there for a masters or doctorate to see if we could like living there year-round. To me, being somewhere where he could enjoy the outdoors would be worth it.

This Song Has No Title, Just Words and Tune

Yeah...couldn't think of a good title, and then that popped into my head, so there ya go.

There's been plenty of drama to talk about, but I don't feel like talking about it, because I am in a rare good mood. Tomorrow night you will more likely be able to find more interesting things, if we actually have internet. Right now I am in a comfy bed, in a room alone with Janardan, and things are good - I am having time to myself, so I'd rather not dwell on the other stuff.

It's been a really hard trip. Stressful. Drama-filled. Like...I was thinking today and like the incidents of drama that occur practically daily while here on vacation - I can think of like...one instance in my life of viewing such drama before with my sister and dad. Like in my family we just are not big on the drama.

Also North Dakota is beautiful. Just so you know. So...updates on drama as warranted. Just so you know, you've been missing out on hearing about it because we haven't had internet, but I'm not going to detail it now. Maybe highlights later. And by highlights I mean lowlights. Of course.

Let's just say, it will have to be a long time before I forget how awful this vacation (being with his family, not the things done) has been, and would actually consider vacationing with them again. I guess life is a series of learned lessons.