I'm Free!

I have now escaped the world of the Carol and Chandra Yris. The past few days, I have been stressed driving. I hate driving, punctuated by a nice meeting with a friend from TSC, but then more driving. But finally we arrived into Provo. I have been in love with Utah since getting here. The weather is beautiful, and I have my own kitchen, where I can cook at all hours of the day or night, cook what I want, and just be free as a bird to do whatever I want, without any intervention. 

In conclusion, I am happy to be back in Utah, even if just for a few days, and I am glad to be gone from Texas. Little things have just been making me so happy all day, and I love playing with my nieces and talking to my sister. They make me so happy. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me

I am so angry. I almost boiled over, and I came from a non-angry state. It was like happy to angry in 0-60 in .5 seconds. Carol came home from class, and was doing whatever she does, and I made the mistake of not immediately running back to the bedroom, as I was in the middle of a game of mafia. And then, she is walking out of the room, and looks over, and is like "Boy, you didn't drink any of that water while I was gone" and I was up in flames, and almost the words "Get the freak off of him about drinking water" passed my lips. I controlled my words, but I was angry nonetheless. So I told Janardan I needed to go, and I came back to the bedroom. When there was no one to talk to on the computer, I decided to take a bath, which I did, and then I took a walk. 

I am just tired of the flagrant disrespect that Janardan receives. He is an adult. He can take care of drinking water if he is so inclined. He obviously had water if he wanted it, so there should be no concern. And I am upset, because nothing will make her change, and so the only thing to do is to move away. So in 15 days, we will leave, and she will ever be the same annoying person who doesn't know how to care about people, and only knows how to make people miserable. What a great legacy. 

It seems like some freak accident that she got Janardan as a son, that he resisted the natural flow to become more like her in all his growing up years. 

I don't care what the cause is, it is a great injustice in my eyes when someone berates (even when they think they are doing something to "care" for someon) someone that I love and adore so much. And I don't care how nicely she says it. When you say something that turns someone into a 3-year-old instead of a 23-year-old, that is disrespectful. Not that she even knows what respect is. 

It hurts me to see her treat him that way. It makes me being cringe. Meh, I will have some serious work to do before I am ready to have kids and foist her upon them as a grandmother.

A Buffer

We went out with Janardan's family today, to a museum. And I was worried about the experience, and not sure I was ready for it. I woke up this morning, less than a half hour before we needed to go, after not waking up to my alarm...and then realizing I had never turned it on. I went into TSC, and made a crazy mason mafia game - it's just a joke game, because I knew I didn't have time for a real game. It was the most hilarious game I have played it. genus made it so funny. Like the masons all know who the other masons are, because you meet each other at night. But then he led us to lynch one of the masons, and so we were calling him scum and stuff, just because it was a joke game (scum is a word we use for mafia). And like this guy was like, "Come on guys, you know I'm a mason. We were in a meeting." And we're like, "That is just what the mafia would say!" And it made me laugh so much. 

But it was better than just that too, because it brought a smile to my face, when I was stressing out in the car. The same way it brought peace to me to remember that MK had said he would pray for me. It was like they were this buffer to the world, and they were evidence that I am sane, and that I am cared about, that Janardan is not the only person in the world who cares about me. And so even though I freaked out later, things went ok, and I felt buffered from the world, and the things they said, while they still touched me, felt so much lighter, because the impact had been lessened by my buffers. 

And that makes me appreciate Janardan all the much more, because he is my constant and eternal buffer, and I cannot imagine how much worse this whole experience would have been, living here, had he not been by my side every step of the way. It sometimes takes other people doing the same thing your spouse is doing to appreciate that they are doing something so wonderful. I love Janardan. He is an amazing man. 

And you wonder where she gets it

Chandra has a rice cooker. And I avoided using it, because I figured there would be some sort of drama with it. But then she started making drama about me not using it, so I started using it to avoid drama, figuring I would switch back when the drama about its use came. I have been surprised, though, that it did not come sooner, and so thought it would not come. But it has come. Carol washes the bowl in the dishwasher, and Chandra doesn't like that, so she told Janardan rudely (ok it's the only way she knows how to communicate) that if I am going to use her rice cooker, I should wash it manually. So I don't appreciate her rudeness, but I can respect her property. 

But, you know, Carol can't. As in Janardan tells me this is going on, so I'm like ok. And then I go out to the kitchen and Carol is putting the rice cooker bowl in the dishwasher. So I come back to my room, and ask Janardan if Chandra told her mom. He says yes. But that Carol was being dumb about it, ignoring that the dishwasher was doing anything to it, and anyway, "It only costs $15." Which made me flash with anger. I remember a month or so ago, Carol calling Chandra spoiled because she didn't want to get a movie from Redbox on the free day, and would just go and pay the $1 a different day if she wanted to see a movie. For not wanting to save $1, Chandra gets called spoiled. But then, Chandra's rice cooker doesn't deserve respect, because it only costs $15. And you wonder where Chandra gets her rudeness from.

Imagine this scenario:

You work as the officer in a company, so you work very hard there, are busy all day, working 12 hours, sometimes more. You have a boss who can be a bit temperamental and tends towards yelling. Then, when you come home, you are assaulted by complaint after complaint by your wife, who is not only complaining about all aspects of your life, but placing blame on you as well. 

I really don't know how Art handles it. Perhaps it is because he does not know what she is like when he is not around. He never sees her not complaining, and so assumes it is her mode of operating...which to be fair, it is. But, there is a distinct change in her pinning it on someone as soon as he walks in the door. Her complaints are then about him, not about the world in general wronging her. 

The end of my time here is approaching. I am looking forward to moving on. I am also feeling the strange feeling I did when considering moving here. I do not know what Utah will hold for me, and it feels a bit strange that I will not spend the rest of my life trapped in this bedroom, yearning for some sense of caring for me outside of my husband. I hope not that I will never need such an experience again, because such experiences have led to great growth in my life, but rather the future experiences I have will not have to be this particular experience. I don't know that I have learned all I should from the experience, but there have been beautiful things that have come as a result. The list could be rather long, and extensive, so I will just name some of the best things that have come.

1 - My relationship with Janardan has been strengthened in more ways than imagineable. We have experienced great adversity here, and it has only served to bring us closer together. 

2 - I've made friends with MK. He's from TSC, and he's chronically ill also, so he understands that. My love for Janardan gives him hope for someone to love him, and so his appreciation of my marriage makes me love my marriage that much more. 

3 - I have found a community. This is directly because of the two above. I have become a part. I know I blogged about TSC on my regular blog, but it is a place where I feel accepted and cared about, and that is something I have needed desperately being here. 

And so yeah, while there have been times I have hated living here, and there has been a lot of drama, and I have learned some of the lower parts of my personality, I am struck by how there is always the possibility for greater beauty in adversity. Sometimes it is good for life to be hard, because it is then that the most precious joys can come to you. So I can say that I am glad I came here, and would not change it any other way, but it was still tremendously difficult, and one of the least sane times of my life. But in this, too, there is beauty. 

Undervalued

Carol thinks we need a full-time nurse for Janardan when we go back to Utah. He disabused her of the notion that we would take one, but I am still higly insulted. And Chandra thinks that she does as much for Andy as I do for Janardan. I may stay in my room the majority of the day playing Mafia, but I still do pretty much everything for Janardan. I get his pills together, make his meals. I would do the dishes, but they are always gone by the time I go out for them, so I have stopped trying. As in like, it is not like I am sitting around here doing nothing all day. I am capable of doing stuff. Forget that I make dinner for the family four nights a week, in addition to all of Janardan's other meals, forget that I get his medicine, and fetch him everything else he needs. 

I am just sick of being surrounded by people who don't see all that I am doing. Let's just say I am ready to leave here. I will not be sad when this month is over. 

Conflict Makes Me Feel Lonely

I don't feel like detailing the drama, but I am tired. I have spent the past week in another world, throwing myself into online games, and into Janardan's community, and it has been such a happy place. But today I was snatched back to reality, that I do actually live here, in Texas, and not out in the ether. 

I am tired. 30 more days. We set Janardan's final appointment. Though the problems with his family still need to be resolved, and I hope they will be over time (they mostly revolve around Carol's personal problems with herself), I am so happy that we can have a strong marriage, and that we are both learning to take care of ourselves, so that we will not perpetuate similar problems onto our children, though of course we will have our own set of problems. 

I am tired. I know that's how I started the last paragraph, but I am. One more month. That is what I tell myself, and I can give into my urge, and run away from all of these problems. Run back to the ones I know, and that can be worked on. 

My name is Jennie and I am a carnivore. 

I'm Back

So going to New York was really good. Like I got a flavor for real life again. But now I am back here, and I feel like I am back to being oversensitive and caring too much about inconveniencing people etc. But I am glad I went to New York, besides for the awesome 10 days I had, but because it has left me with the impression that there actually can be an end to this experience, that 45 days will tick down, and I will get to pack up our car and we will leave. Having an apartment that we know we are going to be living in is probably helping with that as well. 

On another note, there has been a study showing that the brains of vegetarians shrink faster than that of non-vegetarians. So, go meat eating!

Anyway, so I am back, and already facing the weird drama associated with feeding Janardan. And feeling more like a nervous wreck, and you know, being generally more nervey. So there you go. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel - by which I mean - there is an end to the tunnel. 

Elation and Apathy

I feel elated right now. I just finished a book, and it made me soo happy. It just restored my faith in the universe. And to that, I feel like I have an impenetrable bubble that no Chandra and Carol can mar. Chandra is decidedly pissed at the world, and directs that at me right now, but I am still shiningly happy, because I know there is nothing I can do about it. Not one speck of worry, not even changed actions will make her feel differently, so trying is pointless, so I can feel free to feel elated, and to frankly not care at all what they think and feel. I have let myself be vulnerable for a while, now, you know, in the hopes of it yielding good results. But they are the dragons, and I am not living in ice, so for now, even invisioning a friendship is pointless. When they move to the ice, perhaps I will follow, and there we can be friends. But now, I will leave my defenses up in regards to them, while leaving them bare for all those who don't assault me. And I will revel in the joy. 

Today I feel the power of my own power to decide - the reach of my own grasp, the power of agency. I have the power to choose to not let them in now. I have the power to not care now. And I have the power to find here, even in the closest thing to hell that I have ever been. That is my perogative. And I will take it. These devils will not molest me. (Speaking figuratively of course, I don't really think they are devils. Haha)

Difference of Interpretation

So today Carol said that they were going to make new side dishes for dinner. (There has been rumblings of such ever since we got here, so I was surprised that she actually seemed to be making motions toward an actual result). The side dishes being Indian food. 

So when I sat down at the dinner table, I was somewhat shocked to look around the table and it look pretty much exactly the same as it has many other times when they have cooked Indian, with a small cereal-bowl filled with a new side dish. I had envisioned that there would be at least two (because of the use of the plural) and I envisioned there would be more than one scoop for each person at the table. 

I talked to Janardan after dinner, and he said that he had envisioned much the same thing I had. And it was interesting to realize how much trying new things is a part of who we are as a couple, and how much it isn't for his parents. Like they have eaten the same Indian meal for the past however many years, so instituting one small bowl of something else constitutes a significant change to them, whereas a change like that for me would be little worth noting, unless it was exceptionally yummy or gross. 

And so tonight I write to express a difference, without placing a value on the difference, which the lack of emotion is something I am rather happy about. I guess today hearing Janardan's exacatly same reaction to that side dish made me realize that there are things that don't work for Janardan in this family, and they certainly don't work for me, but they may work for Art and Carol's marriage. Janardan after a life of bland food and little variety, is happy to be married to me with my adventurous cooking, and enjoyment of providing variety. And I am happy that he has digestizymes so he can enjoy eating, and we can share that. 

Stress

My new main objective in life is to avoid as much interaction with Carol as possible, because being around her generally just causes me a great deal of stress, because she is stressed, and because her mode of living stresses me out. So I can generally go along fairly peacefully, but once a month he has an appointment, and we go out together for a few hours. I was so stressed by it yesterday. 

I came home and felt ill, and so I tried doing some relaxation, but I still felt ill. I was at my wits end. I felt like I was failing at taking care of myself, and like there was nothing that I could do. And then I started to feel nauseaous, and I threw up everything I'd had for lunch. Then food poisoning entered my mind as the more likely culprit of most of my symptoms, though I was sure that the stress didn't help. 

But really, I have felt a lot more sick this past month, and I would say the main reason is due to stress. I feel like it is so hard to take care of myself. And I was really sad yesterday, yet again, because I was looking forward to going to New York and just throwing myself into sewing projects, and just going going going. But really, I think I need to just give myself time to rest, give myself a break. I am sad, and I am angry at Carol - that she causes me so much stress that the time that I get to have with my sister and my mom, I don't get to just sew and sew and have lots of fun, I just get to actually rest and destress. I feel like she is stealing my sanity away from me. 

I am soo tired. I am so tired of every second of my life being consumed with having to take care of my mental and physical health. It is like all I think about. Take care of myself, and then do the few tasks that mutually take care of Janardan and me - like making food. And I am upset that Carol lives here in the middle of stupid concrete so that it hurts my knees and hips to run, so I feel like I shouldn't run anymore, til I get back to Utah. I just feel like I gave up so much to be here, and now that I am here, I am giving up so much more than I thought I would. I never thought I would feel so...close to insane. 

But I am sure the Lord has some purpose in making us stay here two more months. I'm angry at him too, but I still trust him. It's like I need some purpose in my life for the next two months, and just staying sane isn't purpose enough. I can't write, but I can work on my politics blog, but that's not very consuming. I'm working on a sewing project, but once again, I can't just go go go on that. I think really I just want to use the time to read lots of books, to just be learning more what people write, and finding books that I love. But I don't really have the patience for any books that I am not sure about, and wading through to find a really good book. 

There are good moments too though. Like last night when I was feeling so sick, feeling so ill, and I was just telling the Lord I would do anything to feel better. And then I started kind of asking myself how true that was. Asking myself - would I stay sick and feel that crappy for the rest of my life if Janardan could feel better? And the answer was yes, and I felt a new depth to myself. That I could say that to myself not just when I felt healthy, but when I felt like utter crap, when I felt so weak that I couldn't stop myself from yelling at him, which I never do. I was thinking about it, and I was like - compared to dying for somebody, staying sick for the rest of your life for them would be an even greater sacrifice. Dying you just end the pain. It was an odd thought, but anyway. Though I'm not sure I would die to make Janardan feel better. 

Janardan gave me a blessing while I was sick, a blessing that I would be strong, and some other things too. I asked him after the blessing if he was sure it was the right blessing. He called me a hater. I said - I meant that I wasn't sure the Lord was right, so I was an even bigger hater than he thought. 

I've been thinking a lot about a quote from C.S. Lewis while I've been here. 

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of–throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

It is hard to feel strong when all my walls are being knocked down, when all I feel like I am being left with is a pile of rubble, not the cottage I used to have. But if it is what I need to come out of this on the other side a better person, a better wife to my husband, a better writer, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend - I guess that is worth it. Six months seemed like not such a long time when we decided to come here. And I will probably look back at the end and think it did not seem so long. But right now - two months seems like an eternity. I am already starting plans for us leaving - what meals to make, where to stop etc. But it is more the plans of dreams, because I feel like it will never come. I will be here forever, and I will eventually go insane.

Exhausted

I opened up this thing for a new post, but don't really have anything to write about. I am just tired. Exhausted. This house is draining me, and all the going to other people's houses and visits can't make me feel rejuvenated. Maybe my 3 days away, then my 10 days away will do it. I really hope so, because I don't want to feel so depleted for the next 68 days.

I am even feeling less anger and bitterness, because I have decided that liking Carol is not currently an attainable goal. So now that I am not trying to like her, it is a lot easier to not hate her. But, I am still exhausted. All the pressure and unpredictability of this household is pulling on me.

I feel like I have a tiny resevoir of sanity, and it is sometimes filled up just a little - like the night we got away, but now I feel like it is pretty close to empty, so I am just tired, trying to conserve, and put as little pressure as possible on those few drops of sanity.

My actions have been much the same throughout my time of being here. Except when I was making dinner a lot. (Carol told me this week that I didn't need to worry about making dinner for everybody).

Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but most the time I don't, because I don't really let myself feel it. I let everything wash over me in a wave of tiredness. I don't know how to face it all, so I don't. I just need it to be over.

So I count down the days, and look forward to seeing my family, where I can be surrounded by the embrace of sanity that extends much farther than arms, that reaches the mind, and lifts up the heart. We're going to play games with my dad. We are going to sew (well I am going to sew) with my mom and my sister. I am going to hold my nieces on my lap and read books to them. I want to be surrounded by people who love, and regain my sanity.

The Lord Has Prepared Me

I was sitting in church today, thinking about enduring the next 73 days, and it just struck me how the Lord has prepared me for this experience, in so many different ways. From living with my dad and having to struggle to find my own faith, and work on my own for my beliefs, to all the drama Janardan and I had with roommates while we were dating. And lots of other ways as well. And it just made me think of another way that I am uniquely qualified to be Janardan's wife. I may not being doing as well here as I would have hoped, and I may find it harder to love people here than I thought it would be, but I'm surviving, and I can stick to it for 73 more days. And by letting myself have this experience, I am sure I will be prepared for some other thing that the Lord has in store for me, though I hope that is more enjoyable :(

I meant to blog a positive

I mean to like blog this while I was still, you know, excited about it, and not on the next thing to vent and be hurt about. But alas.

Anyway, so on Monday, Chandra said that she and Andy were going to go out to dinner, like as a date night like me and Janardan. I guess it was the first time I felt like I have actually had some sort of positive impact here, and it was one that I think is big, and if they keep it up, something that will really help their relationship and marriage.

And having a night away was great. I was actually no anxiety, no stress, and just so relaxed and peaceful. It was great. And it did recharge my batteries somewhat, but I am still living here, so there is still stress, and I feel like I am still combating the possibility of getting depressed. So I am trying to keep to myself more.

Anyway, so this morning Chandra accused me of breaking the toilet seat. And once she set up her case, then I said that I probably did break the toilet seat. So the point of that was....nothing. And Carol replaced it with some other seat, and is like "You can't sit on it like a chair," which I don't know what means. Like...really...if anyone has any idea, please leave a comment. But it still bothers me.

Like let's say it is me and the way I sit on the toilet that is causing all of these problems. I don't really know what to do about it, because I haven't had problems with a toilet seat before this one, so I really don't know what to do about it. It's not like I am going around trying to break all the toilet seats in the world, so obviously there is a problem, perhaps with me, perhaps with the integrity of the seat. I really don't even want to use a toilet, but think other people would be weirder about me squatting in a bucket. So there ya go.

I really hate living here. Like this past week is the first time I've really admitted that to myself. I am constantly stressed, and though I do not have as much anxiety as I did a few weeks ago, I still have anxiety constantly. And nothing I do is good enough. But it's not that I am really failing in some way, because Chandra and Carol are never happy with anything. They complain about everything and everybody, so it's not like there is anything I can do to stop it. I can just stop one source of complaints, but then they will just use something else as a source of complaint. There is nothing I can do to avoid the situation.

My personality is to mold myself to avoid drama, but I can't do that here. There is nothing I can do to stop the things that bother me here from happening. It is folly to do so anyway, and half of what causes me stress. I should just accept that they are going to think I fail at life, and that it inconveniences their lives for me to be here, but I can't accept that. I don't like to be an inconvenience, and I don't like people to think badly of me.

So the countdown continues.

Sometimes I feel so snotty

Like I feel like screaming that I'm not snotty, I'm not! It is this situation that is tearing away my sanity. Like Carol announces to Janardan that she wants me to help with acorns in the fall. And it like immediately starts to make me feel like crap, and I am like - why? I don't mind helping. But it's not because she's asking me to do something - because she's not. She never asks. She assigns. If she asks me to do something (on the rare occasion that she does) I am more than willing to do it. But I don't like being assigned chores like I am 5-years old. Pretty much anything she requests that I do, I will do, but I hate hate hate being assigned to do things when there is no reason for her to feel like she is in a position of power over me. She is not my boss, and I am not a child. I am a freakin' adult. We are here in Texas, living here in her house...at her request. I didn't ask her to take care of us, and so I don't feel obligated to kowtow to any assignment she gives me. Not that I won't do it, because inevitably I will, because I would rather swallow my own pride and just wait until I can bust out of here than cause even more drama and increase the likelihood that I am perceived as lazy and a non-contributing member of the family.

And my sanity is slowly creeping away. I just really want to leave, right now. I just want to pack up the car, get in, and drive...anywhere. As in I really wish we were living with either of my parents right now and not his. Because my parents are easier to deal with...for both of us. I just want to be around people who love and care about me, and who recognize my worth. I think how different it was to hear my dad tell a story about how I would subvert him in getting me to do chores, and he seemed to take pride in that fact, that I had my own special way of doing things. He didn't think I was lazy, but that I was smart. And here, I help out and do whatever, and don't subvert people, but still I am unappreciated. There is no stability. I tried to talk to Carol again about this week specifically what days I want to make meals, and she said "Well nothing has to be set in stone" and I am like...I want to have it set in stone. I want to have something predictable and dependable, because nothing in this house is. The only things that are dependable are the things that I decide to do or that Janardan decides to do. Yes, you heard me, Janardan is dependable. With all his sickness and all the fluctuating factors of his life that make him so unpredictable, in this household, he is the most predictable thing there is.

As in I am hoping things will settle down a little when Chandra and Carol start up school again, then maybe they will be more scheduled and stable. I just want to run away. Far far far away. It is 12 days to Austin, but that still sounds like so long. I wish I hadn't read the Twilight series, and I could throw myself into them for a few days. I keep waiting for Breaking Dawn. I need a book that is enthralling and just takes me away. So, any really good fantasy book suggestions, I am open to them. I just want to get away from this house, if I can't run away in body, then at least I can take a vacation of mind, throw myself into a book, and do nothing else but read.

So, I not looking for books that are like necessarily really good books, though that is good - I am looking for something gripping, where I can't put it down. I just want something that pulls me in so it is hard to get out, because being trapped in a book sounds so lovely.

Taking Care of Yourself - A Top Priority

Thank you for your support. Sometimes I just get so locked up in now that I lose perspective, and wonder if maybe what people think about me here might be true. Though I don't really think that, just you know, emotionally.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, about how Janardan's mom doesn't take care of herself. And I can understand the impulse. It seems like such a common thing in our society - you put the kids first - everything for the children, and then you are second...or third...or fourth, and people don't end up taking good care of themselves. But I look at her, with her aches and pains, and all that is going wrong for her healthwise, and she is not taking care of herself. She is really in no position to be taking any care of Janardan really, because she's not doing a good job of taking care of herself. Like she can't be an asset to him because of that, even though she is trying to put him first.

And I understand the predicament. I was forced by overwhelming depression to overcome it, so I understand the way it can become all about Janardan, the person who is so much more sick. But at some point, you have to take care of yourself first. I learned that I am nothing to Janardan if I am trying to do everything for him, but can't really do it, because I don't have enough energy, haven't recharged my batteries. Even here where my focus is on helping Janardan get better, I still take care of myself first. I make sure I exercise and study my scriptures - the two backbones to a healthy me. And even doing those things, I've been feeling myself go on the verge of depression again, and so I'm trying to do more to prevent that from happening, trying to make friends in the area so I can get out of the house and socialize with people who don't dislike me.

The clinic that Janardan is going to, Art has been pushing Carol to go to it for a number of years, but she says that it makes more sense to get Janardan better first. While that may be so, it is already evident to me that it would have been very beneficial for her to go first, and get taken care of, but she's not willing to spend money on taking care of herself, which is so stupid. It makes me angry. Like she has no right to be angry with Janardan for not doing what is best for him in her eyes when she is not even trying to do what is best for her in her own eyes if she actully thought about taking care of herself. Like, she believes in exercise, but she doesn't exercise now, and it is just like...her not taking care of herself makes everyone around her miserable, not just her, and that causes more stress to Janardan living here, so it is not helpful.

As in I guess it just bothers me because she complains about how she hurts all day long, how she can't sleep well, but she doesn't do anything about it, and like when I say complain, I mean complain. And then she will say that she is feeling better now than she has ever felt. I don't buy it. What I do buy is her not being self-aware. I hope Janardan gets her to go to therapy.

How am I doing?

I feel like I have been taking a beating to my self-esteem since I have started living here, and so while I am still pretty happy with myself, I doubt myself with others, except Janardan, because he is there, and I know that I do good for him, and he doesn't make me think that I don't. I guess I just feel like I do good for the Yris too, but it is unappreciated, and I wonder if I am just deluding myself or something, so I am asking for your solidarity and support. I guess I know that a few people read this, but today I am asking you to tell me how you think I am doing here. I just need to feel supported today.

The Switch

I came across a blog the other day and it mentioned Fizzy Lizzy, which is some carbonated juice. I was like -- this is exactly what I have been looking for! Janardan is slowly making a transition away from soda, but he has been depressed that the only other options for drinking are juice. So I have been trying to think and look out for interesting drinks that might make him excited to drink. So we came across the Switch at a target, and I was like - hey would you like to try this, because it boasted of 100% juice, while this other one I had heard of was only 70%, and hey, it was right there. So we got some. And it is good and tasty and he likes it, and now we want to try more.

So now you may be wondering...why is this on my confessions blog and not on my normal blog? It is fairly innocuous, right?

Well...while Janardan is drinking a can one day that I give him with his food, Carol announces that she doesn't like it. Granted, this came after a discussion about the contents of the juice...which are...carbonated water and concentrated juice. Her main complaint is...that it probably has corn syrup in it...even though the label was just read to her, and it did not contain corn syrup. But then she also complains that juices from concentrate are not as good. Which I find ironic, because she buys Minute Maid...which is made from concentrate. But anyway, it is like she fails to grasp that this is not an alternative to juice - it is an alternative to soda.

And she also seems to fail to grasp that who cares if she doesn't like it. It isn't intended for her. It is like me saying to her that I don't like rice pudding. I tell her that to state my preference, not to try and force my opinion on her and stop her from ever ingesting rice pudding. She is just so infuriating in how she wants to control everybody's lives. She is not doing a very good job controlling just her own, so I think she should lay off other people's.

I just get sooooo frustrated, and frankly, I like to subvert her. She says she doesn't like the Switch, I am all geared up to buy tons of it. Like before I would have bought some, as it is somewhat expensive, but now I want Janardan to drink a lot of it, and I will drink some too. Not just because it is really tasty, but because I want to fight the man. I don't want someone trying to control my husband who doesn't try to understand his needs and desires. Everything she does is trying to manipulate him into her own formulations. That is why it pisses me off when she gives me "tips". "I got Janardan to eat a banana by cutting it into slices." Instead of, "It seemed like Janardan liked it when I sliced up his banana.

She betrays her desire for control in everything she says, and it bothers me. I've been concerned about Janardan's soda intake for years, but I don't try to force him to stop, I try to work with him, to tell him what is bad about all the sugar, how he isn't getting any nutrients, etc. And so now when he is trying to work on being healthy, he is open to alternatives to soda, but on trying only juice, he is tired by it, and it does not offer enough variety. So I have tried to keep a look out for things that may interest him, and I found something that is not only interesting, but pretty dang healthy.

It's like...she thinks she has some power over people, and she regrets when she doesn't have power over them, and so she constantly complains about them not conforming to her wishes. Janardan tells her we are going to North Dakota in November - she states reasons why we can't go - don't have snow tires, the pipes might freeze at grandma's house. She can't accept anything. She doesn't even accept that we are moving back to Utah. And it is like...ignoring it will not make it happen any less. But I can't shove that in her face for another two and a half months, so for now, I will have to be content with drinking the variety of flavors of the switch. It really is tasty. I want to try the orange tangerine flavor.

I just hate not being respected. And by I, I mean me or Janardan. Trying to control someone's life is not respect.

Also more on the carnivore side of things, I had a burger a week ago at Fuddruckers - it was delicious. I had been having hardcore steak cravings, and it was sooo yummy, and it was also a place where Janardan could have something he wanted.

Also there was drama over dinner earlier this week. I really don't think Chandra likes it when I cook, but Janardan said she doesn't like it when anybody cooks, so I guess I shouldn't take it too personally. I just don't like to be the cause of drama. I really can't wait to get a break from here. 2 weeks. That is not so bad. I can handle that.

Well...I am off to make a meal plan, so I can put stuff on the grocery list.

I love Janardan's Dad

I've barely seen Janardan's dad, but today Janardan stood up for me with his family, and defended me, and it seemed just like how Art would act.

Adapting to Different Parenting Styles (ie ones that suck)

I am so pissed right now. So pissed. Like...how the crap could Janardan's parents know for months...for MONTHS, that he may not be able to insured under his parents plan and not tell him, me, us. So...while he was previously covered under insurance I had for us, when that ran out, I purchased a plan just for me...since he was covered (presumably I suppose) under his parents' insurance. Apparently, he is supposed to be going to school to get this, and I am sure that they are now upset that they have a moral son who does not want to...hm...commit insurance fraud? I mean...not lie. I just do not understand how they think such information is not relevant for us to have. This makes me just want to leave right now, go back to our own lives, and just take care of everything ourselves. And then when he presses his mom more to try and find out, she suddenly gains interest in what is being said on the tv. And you wonder why it is hard to have an emotional connection with this woman.

As in, if I would have known, I would have tried to get us both insurance, and not just myself, but naive me, I thought that since his parents said he was on their insurance that he was actually on their insurance. And I have asked them about his insurance and how long he will be covered, etc. And they tell me...nothing. 18 days. 18 days until I get a break from here. Less than three months and I am gone from here for good. 18 days.