I'm Free!

I have now escaped the world of the Carol and Chandra Yris. The past few days, I have been stressed driving. I hate driving, punctuated by a nice meeting with a friend from TSC, but then more driving. But finally we arrived into Provo. I have been in love with Utah since getting here. The weather is beautiful, and I have my own kitchen, where I can cook at all hours of the day or night, cook what I want, and just be free as a bird to do whatever I want, without any intervention. 

In conclusion, I am happy to be back in Utah, even if just for a few days, and I am glad to be gone from Texas. Little things have just been making me so happy all day, and I love playing with my nieces and talking to my sister. They make me so happy. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me

I am so angry. I almost boiled over, and I came from a non-angry state. It was like happy to angry in 0-60 in .5 seconds. Carol came home from class, and was doing whatever she does, and I made the mistake of not immediately running back to the bedroom, as I was in the middle of a game of mafia. And then, she is walking out of the room, and looks over, and is like "Boy, you didn't drink any of that water while I was gone" and I was up in flames, and almost the words "Get the freak off of him about drinking water" passed my lips. I controlled my words, but I was angry nonetheless. So I told Janardan I needed to go, and I came back to the bedroom. When there was no one to talk to on the computer, I decided to take a bath, which I did, and then I took a walk. 

I am just tired of the flagrant disrespect that Janardan receives. He is an adult. He can take care of drinking water if he is so inclined. He obviously had water if he wanted it, so there should be no concern. And I am upset, because nothing will make her change, and so the only thing to do is to move away. So in 15 days, we will leave, and she will ever be the same annoying person who doesn't know how to care about people, and only knows how to make people miserable. What a great legacy. 

It seems like some freak accident that she got Janardan as a son, that he resisted the natural flow to become more like her in all his growing up years. 

I don't care what the cause is, it is a great injustice in my eyes when someone berates (even when they think they are doing something to "care" for someon) someone that I love and adore so much. And I don't care how nicely she says it. When you say something that turns someone into a 3-year-old instead of a 23-year-old, that is disrespectful. Not that she even knows what respect is. 

It hurts me to see her treat him that way. It makes me being cringe. Meh, I will have some serious work to do before I am ready to have kids and foist her upon them as a grandmother.

A Buffer

We went out with Janardan's family today, to a museum. And I was worried about the experience, and not sure I was ready for it. I woke up this morning, less than a half hour before we needed to go, after not waking up to my alarm...and then realizing I had never turned it on. I went into TSC, and made a crazy mason mafia game - it's just a joke game, because I knew I didn't have time for a real game. It was the most hilarious game I have played it. genus made it so funny. Like the masons all know who the other masons are, because you meet each other at night. But then he led us to lynch one of the masons, and so we were calling him scum and stuff, just because it was a joke game (scum is a word we use for mafia). And like this guy was like, "Come on guys, you know I'm a mason. We were in a meeting." And we're like, "That is just what the mafia would say!" And it made me laugh so much. 

But it was better than just that too, because it brought a smile to my face, when I was stressing out in the car. The same way it brought peace to me to remember that MK had said he would pray for me. It was like they were this buffer to the world, and they were evidence that I am sane, and that I am cared about, that Janardan is not the only person in the world who cares about me. And so even though I freaked out later, things went ok, and I felt buffered from the world, and the things they said, while they still touched me, felt so much lighter, because the impact had been lessened by my buffers. 

And that makes me appreciate Janardan all the much more, because he is my constant and eternal buffer, and I cannot imagine how much worse this whole experience would have been, living here, had he not been by my side every step of the way. It sometimes takes other people doing the same thing your spouse is doing to appreciate that they are doing something so wonderful. I love Janardan. He is an amazing man. 

And you wonder where she gets it

Chandra has a rice cooker. And I avoided using it, because I figured there would be some sort of drama with it. But then she started making drama about me not using it, so I started using it to avoid drama, figuring I would switch back when the drama about its use came. I have been surprised, though, that it did not come sooner, and so thought it would not come. But it has come. Carol washes the bowl in the dishwasher, and Chandra doesn't like that, so she told Janardan rudely (ok it's the only way she knows how to communicate) that if I am going to use her rice cooker, I should wash it manually. So I don't appreciate her rudeness, but I can respect her property. 

But, you know, Carol can't. As in Janardan tells me this is going on, so I'm like ok. And then I go out to the kitchen and Carol is putting the rice cooker bowl in the dishwasher. So I come back to my room, and ask Janardan if Chandra told her mom. He says yes. But that Carol was being dumb about it, ignoring that the dishwasher was doing anything to it, and anyway, "It only costs $15." Which made me flash with anger. I remember a month or so ago, Carol calling Chandra spoiled because she didn't want to get a movie from Redbox on the free day, and would just go and pay the $1 a different day if she wanted to see a movie. For not wanting to save $1, Chandra gets called spoiled. But then, Chandra's rice cooker doesn't deserve respect, because it only costs $15. And you wonder where Chandra gets her rudeness from.

Imagine this scenario:

You work as the officer in a company, so you work very hard there, are busy all day, working 12 hours, sometimes more. You have a boss who can be a bit temperamental and tends towards yelling. Then, when you come home, you are assaulted by complaint after complaint by your wife, who is not only complaining about all aspects of your life, but placing blame on you as well. 

I really don't know how Art handles it. Perhaps it is because he does not know what she is like when he is not around. He never sees her not complaining, and so assumes it is her mode of operating...which to be fair, it is. But, there is a distinct change in her pinning it on someone as soon as he walks in the door. Her complaints are then about him, not about the world in general wronging her. 

The end of my time here is approaching. I am looking forward to moving on. I am also feeling the strange feeling I did when considering moving here. I do not know what Utah will hold for me, and it feels a bit strange that I will not spend the rest of my life trapped in this bedroom, yearning for some sense of caring for me outside of my husband. I hope not that I will never need such an experience again, because such experiences have led to great growth in my life, but rather the future experiences I have will not have to be this particular experience. I don't know that I have learned all I should from the experience, but there have been beautiful things that have come as a result. The list could be rather long, and extensive, so I will just name some of the best things that have come.

1 - My relationship with Janardan has been strengthened in more ways than imagineable. We have experienced great adversity here, and it has only served to bring us closer together. 

2 - I've made friends with MK. He's from TSC, and he's chronically ill also, so he understands that. My love for Janardan gives him hope for someone to love him, and so his appreciation of my marriage makes me love my marriage that much more. 

3 - I have found a community. This is directly because of the two above. I have become a part. I know I blogged about TSC on my regular blog, but it is a place where I feel accepted and cared about, and that is something I have needed desperately being here. 

And so yeah, while there have been times I have hated living here, and there has been a lot of drama, and I have learned some of the lower parts of my personality, I am struck by how there is always the possibility for greater beauty in adversity. Sometimes it is good for life to be hard, because it is then that the most precious joys can come to you. So I can say that I am glad I came here, and would not change it any other way, but it was still tremendously difficult, and one of the least sane times of my life. But in this, too, there is beauty. 

Undervalued

Carol thinks we need a full-time nurse for Janardan when we go back to Utah. He disabused her of the notion that we would take one, but I am still higly insulted. And Chandra thinks that she does as much for Andy as I do for Janardan. I may stay in my room the majority of the day playing Mafia, but I still do pretty much everything for Janardan. I get his pills together, make his meals. I would do the dishes, but they are always gone by the time I go out for them, so I have stopped trying. As in like, it is not like I am sitting around here doing nothing all day. I am capable of doing stuff. Forget that I make dinner for the family four nights a week, in addition to all of Janardan's other meals, forget that I get his medicine, and fetch him everything else he needs. 

I am just sick of being surrounded by people who don't see all that I am doing. Let's just say I am ready to leave here. I will not be sad when this month is over. 

Conflict Makes Me Feel Lonely

I don't feel like detailing the drama, but I am tired. I have spent the past week in another world, throwing myself into online games, and into Janardan's community, and it has been such a happy place. But today I was snatched back to reality, that I do actually live here, in Texas, and not out in the ether. 

I am tired. 30 more days. We set Janardan's final appointment. Though the problems with his family still need to be resolved, and I hope they will be over time (they mostly revolve around Carol's personal problems with herself), I am so happy that we can have a strong marriage, and that we are both learning to take care of ourselves, so that we will not perpetuate similar problems onto our children, though of course we will have our own set of problems. 

I am tired. I know that's how I started the last paragraph, but I am. One more month. That is what I tell myself, and I can give into my urge, and run away from all of these problems. Run back to the ones I know, and that can be worked on. 

My name is Jennie and I am a carnivore.