17 August 2008
How am I doing?
I feel like I have been taking a beating to my self-esteem since I have started living here, and so while I am still pretty happy with myself, I doubt myself with others, except Janardan, because he is there, and I know that I do good for him, and he doesn't make me think that I don't. I guess I just feel like I do good for the Yris too, but it is unappreciated, and I wonder if I am just deluding myself or something, so I am asking for your solidarity and support. I guess I know that a few people read this, but today I am asking you to tell me how you think I am doing here. I just need to feel supported today.
15 August 2008
The Switch
I came across a blog the other day and it mentioned Fizzy Lizzy, which is some carbonated juice. I was like -- this is exactly what I have been looking for! Janardan is slowly making a transition away from soda, but he has been depressed that the only other options for drinking are juice. So I have been trying to think and look out for interesting drinks that might make him excited to drink. So we came across the Switch at a target, and I was like - hey would you like to try this, because it boasted of 100% juice, while this other one I had heard of was only 70%, and hey, it was right there. So we got some. And it is good and tasty and he likes it, and now we want to try more.
So now you may be wondering...why is this on my confessions blog and not on my normal blog? It is fairly innocuous, right?
Well...while Janardan is drinking a can one day that I give him with his food, Carol announces that she doesn't like it. Granted, this came after a discussion about the contents of the juice...which are...carbonated water and concentrated juice. Her main complaint is...that it probably has corn syrup in it...even though the label was just read to her, and it did not contain corn syrup. But then she also complains that juices from concentrate are not as good. Which I find ironic, because she buys Minute Maid...which is made from concentrate. But anyway, it is like she fails to grasp that this is not an alternative to juice - it is an alternative to soda.
And she also seems to fail to grasp that who cares if she doesn't like it. It isn't intended for her. It is like me saying to her that I don't like rice pudding. I tell her that to state my preference, not to try and force my opinion on her and stop her from ever ingesting rice pudding. She is just so infuriating in how she wants to control everybody's lives. She is not doing a very good job controlling just her own, so I think she should lay off other people's.
I just get sooooo frustrated, and frankly, I like to subvert her. She says she doesn't like the Switch, I am all geared up to buy tons of it. Like before I would have bought some, as it is somewhat expensive, but now I want Janardan to drink a lot of it, and I will drink some too. Not just because it is really tasty, but because I want to fight the man. I don't want someone trying to control my husband who doesn't try to understand his needs and desires. Everything she does is trying to manipulate him into her own formulations. That is why it pisses me off when she gives me "tips". "I got Janardan to eat a banana by cutting it into slices." Instead of, "It seemed like Janardan liked it when I sliced up his banana.
She betrays her desire for control in everything she says, and it bothers me. I've been concerned about Janardan's soda intake for years, but I don't try to force him to stop, I try to work with him, to tell him what is bad about all the sugar, how he isn't getting any nutrients, etc. And so now when he is trying to work on being healthy, he is open to alternatives to soda, but on trying only juice, he is tired by it, and it does not offer enough variety. So I have tried to keep a look out for things that may interest him, and I found something that is not only interesting, but pretty dang healthy.
It's like...she thinks she has some power over people, and she regrets when she doesn't have power over them, and so she constantly complains about them not conforming to her wishes. Janardan tells her we are going to North Dakota in November - she states reasons why we can't go - don't have snow tires, the pipes might freeze at grandma's house. She can't accept anything. She doesn't even accept that we are moving back to Utah. And it is like...ignoring it will not make it happen any less. But I can't shove that in her face for another two and a half months, so for now, I will have to be content with drinking the variety of flavors of the switch. It really is tasty. I want to try the orange tangerine flavor.
I just hate not being respected. And by I, I mean me or Janardan. Trying to control someone's life is not respect.
Also more on the carnivore side of things, I had a burger a week ago at Fuddruckers - it was delicious. I had been having hardcore steak cravings, and it was sooo yummy, and it was also a place where Janardan could have something he wanted.
Also there was drama over dinner earlier this week. I really don't think Chandra likes it when I cook, but Janardan said she doesn't like it when anybody cooks, so I guess I shouldn't take it too personally. I just don't like to be the cause of drama. I really can't wait to get a break from here. 2 weeks. That is not so bad. I can handle that.
Well...I am off to make a meal plan, so I can put stuff on the grocery list.
12 August 2008
I love Janardan's Dad
I've barely seen Janardan's dad, but today Janardan stood up for me with his family, and defended me, and it seemed just like how Art would act.
Adapting to Different Parenting Styles (ie ones that suck)
I am so pissed right now. So pissed. Like...how the crap could Janardan's parents know for months...for MONTHS, that he may not be able to insured under his parents plan and not tell him, me, us. So...while he was previously covered under insurance I had for us, when that ran out, I purchased a plan just for me...since he was covered (presumably I suppose) under his parents' insurance. Apparently, he is supposed to be going to school to get this, and I am sure that they are now upset that they have a moral son who does not want to...hm...commit insurance fraud? I mean...not lie. I just do not understand how they think such information is not relevant for us to have. This makes me just want to leave right now, go back to our own lives, and just take care of everything ourselves. And then when he presses his mom more to try and find out, she suddenly gains interest in what is being said on the tv. And you wonder why it is hard to have an emotional connection with this woman.
As in, if I would have known, I would have tried to get us both insurance, and not just myself, but naive me, I thought that since his parents said he was on their insurance that he was actually on their insurance. And I have asked them about his insurance and how long he will be covered, etc. And they tell me...nothing. 18 days. 18 days until I get a break from here. Less than three months and I am gone from here for good. 18 days.
As in, if I would have known, I would have tried to get us both insurance, and not just myself, but naive me, I thought that since his parents said he was on their insurance that he was actually on their insurance. And I have asked them about his insurance and how long he will be covered, etc. And they tell me...nothing. 18 days. 18 days until I get a break from here. Less than three months and I am gone from here for good. 18 days.
04 August 2008
H2O and all it represents
Janardan doesn't like tap water. This is a fact I got used to...oh about 15 minutes after we started dating. Ok...maybe it took me a week or two. I also don't like tap water that has been out for more than like...an hour or two. Water starts to get yucky after a certain amount of time, and I am very sensitive to the taste and don't like it. So we tried buying spring water once, and I really liked it, because I could leave it out all day and all night, and it still tasted yummy when I went to drink some the next time I wanted water. And Janardan liked it too. So most of our dating and all of our marriage, we have bought spring water and drunk spring water.
So when we got here, I started buying us spring water like always. And...she is always trying to sneak tap water (which Janardan doesn't like as it is pretty much tasteless) into his water bottles. When we went up to North Dakota, he discovered a type of water he liked even better than Spring water. Nestlee Pure Life. It is pretty dang good water. So he requested that I start getting that. Well...it doesn't come in gallon jugs, it only comes in 16 oz. bottles. (Lawyer's daughter moment - there is one other size of small bottle, but I can't remember what it is right now.) Anyway, so she is even more concerned about wasting all of these bottles now that the bottles are even smaller. And so she is even more trying to sneak water in.
The reason she is sneaking it, of course, is because Janardan told her straight up that he doesn't like the tap water, and why he doesn't. For those of you who have ever talked to Janardan, you may realize that this is a form of directness that is virtually unparalleled. I actually heard him say this to his mom, and so I thought that perhaps her water meddling would stop. And it seemed that it had. Until today I asked Janardan to pass me over a bottle of water, and I opened it, and I was like...this doesn't taste good, this can't be the nestlee water. Which of course it wasn't. She is back to her sneaking ways, thinking that he won't notice that she slipped in some other water, and then he will start drinking less water, and she will wonder what is wrong. News flash: He doesn't like you messing with his water and filling it with water he doesn't like. It makes all water look unattractive. It is like looking at a bowl of punch, and he doesn't know whether it's been spiked or not, so it takes away his desire to drink water. Thank you stupid woman.
And it's like the same thing with vegetables. Like she doesn't believe that he is actually allergic to vegetables. She says things to me like, "It's hard to get someone to eat something when they're convinced it'll make them sick." And I am like...he broke out in hives. Is that not something that concerns you? He always gets sicker to his stomach and more general ill after eating a variety of vegetables. No, you must be right, he is deluded into thinking that vegetables are bad for him, because he....likes being unhealthy?
It is no wonder that Janardan never learned to trust anyone when he could never trust his own mother. This isn't just hurting him emotionally either - this is hurting him physically. I am so angry. He specifically and very directly, to the point where it could not be misconstrued, told her that he does not like that water.
She is so passive aggressive. It is so annoying. As in that is something I heartily appreciate about the friction there was with Chandra. It was always direct, and I always knew what she wanted me to do, and she gave me the opportunity to respond (though I rarely did), but at least I could. When Carol is just muttering about stuff, it is like - I can't respond to that, and it makes me not care about it. Chandra got what she wanted, and Carol is not getting what she wants. And look, directness led to friction, which led to getting over friction, which led to...us getting along and getting closer.
As in I am glad I got to weather the Chandra storm, because it is better having her here now that we are getting along. We get to talk, and we are getting closer. It also gives me more fuel for being pissed off at Carol, but whatever. As in today she was saying to Chandra that nothing's certain. She can change the place she wants to have the wedding, just like she can choose not to marry Andy. I heard this through the door in my room. I just like...can't believe she would say that to her. It's not like in the situation it was appropriate at all. And I was actually surprised. Usually Chandra when she is getting ready to blow off her mother gets more angry and disrespectful, but she just told her mom that she really didn't like it when she said that. I was really proud of Chandra, and I hope her mom listened.
And...I really hope Carol gets some counseling.
So when we got here, I started buying us spring water like always. And...she is always trying to sneak tap water (which Janardan doesn't like as it is pretty much tasteless) into his water bottles. When we went up to North Dakota, he discovered a type of water he liked even better than Spring water. Nestlee Pure Life. It is pretty dang good water. So he requested that I start getting that. Well...it doesn't come in gallon jugs, it only comes in 16 oz. bottles. (Lawyer's daughter moment - there is one other size of small bottle, but I can't remember what it is right now.) Anyway, so she is even more concerned about wasting all of these bottles now that the bottles are even smaller. And so she is even more trying to sneak water in.
The reason she is sneaking it, of course, is because Janardan told her straight up that he doesn't like the tap water, and why he doesn't. For those of you who have ever talked to Janardan, you may realize that this is a form of directness that is virtually unparalleled. I actually heard him say this to his mom, and so I thought that perhaps her water meddling would stop. And it seemed that it had. Until today I asked Janardan to pass me over a bottle of water, and I opened it, and I was like...this doesn't taste good, this can't be the nestlee water. Which of course it wasn't. She is back to her sneaking ways, thinking that he won't notice that she slipped in some other water, and then he will start drinking less water, and she will wonder what is wrong. News flash: He doesn't like you messing with his water and filling it with water he doesn't like. It makes all water look unattractive. It is like looking at a bowl of punch, and he doesn't know whether it's been spiked or not, so it takes away his desire to drink water. Thank you stupid woman.
And it's like the same thing with vegetables. Like she doesn't believe that he is actually allergic to vegetables. She says things to me like, "It's hard to get someone to eat something when they're convinced it'll make them sick." And I am like...he broke out in hives. Is that not something that concerns you? He always gets sicker to his stomach and more general ill after eating a variety of vegetables. No, you must be right, he is deluded into thinking that vegetables are bad for him, because he....likes being unhealthy?
It is no wonder that Janardan never learned to trust anyone when he could never trust his own mother. This isn't just hurting him emotionally either - this is hurting him physically. I am so angry. He specifically and very directly, to the point where it could not be misconstrued, told her that he does not like that water.
She is so passive aggressive. It is so annoying. As in that is something I heartily appreciate about the friction there was with Chandra. It was always direct, and I always knew what she wanted me to do, and she gave me the opportunity to respond (though I rarely did), but at least I could. When Carol is just muttering about stuff, it is like - I can't respond to that, and it makes me not care about it. Chandra got what she wanted, and Carol is not getting what she wants. And look, directness led to friction, which led to getting over friction, which led to...us getting along and getting closer.
As in I am glad I got to weather the Chandra storm, because it is better having her here now that we are getting along. We get to talk, and we are getting closer. It also gives me more fuel for being pissed off at Carol, but whatever. As in today she was saying to Chandra that nothing's certain. She can change the place she wants to have the wedding, just like she can choose not to marry Andy. I heard this through the door in my room. I just like...can't believe she would say that to her. It's not like in the situation it was appropriate at all. And I was actually surprised. Usually Chandra when she is getting ready to blow off her mother gets more angry and disrespectful, but she just told her mom that she really didn't like it when she said that. I was really proud of Chandra, and I hope her mom listened.
And...I really hope Carol gets some counseling.
02 August 2008
How to get past having awesome parents
My mom is super supportive. Like...even if it is something she doesn't agree with, give her a little while, and she will do whatever is needed to support me. And that is like on big stuff, and the little stuff, she is just supportive of like naturally, like it is no effort and she is there immediately. So it is hard for me to look at Carol and not be disappointed that Chandra is not getting that treatment.
Carol came home from looking at wedding dresses with Chandra, and Chandra was still out. I asked her how it went, and she expressed disappointment that Chandra made the wrong decision as to which wedding dress, because she didn't choose the one that Carol likes most, but rather chose one that reminds Carol of a 50s-style bathing suit. I happen to share Carol's opinion, that the other dress was much prettier, but that does not mean that I think Chandra made the wrong decision. I think if she loved the other dress more, then she made the right decision. What she wants is most important in the dress-buying scenario.
And so I am like...mad and disappointed with Carol. I am like, step up and be a good mom. Don't pull this crap on your daughter. But I can't tell if it is just because my standards are too high because I have such awesome parents, or because Carol really is falling below the mark.
And it really makes me sad, because I know how much Carol's opinion means to Chandra. Like, she would love it for her mom to be supportive and be happy about her decision. She desires that, and it is evident, but everything Carol does tells Chandra that she isn't good enough, and that she is not as special as Janardan. And that really makes me sad.
Carol came home from looking at wedding dresses with Chandra, and Chandra was still out. I asked her how it went, and she expressed disappointment that Chandra made the wrong decision as to which wedding dress, because she didn't choose the one that Carol likes most, but rather chose one that reminds Carol of a 50s-style bathing suit. I happen to share Carol's opinion, that the other dress was much prettier, but that does not mean that I think Chandra made the wrong decision. I think if she loved the other dress more, then she made the right decision. What she wants is most important in the dress-buying scenario.
And so I am like...mad and disappointed with Carol. I am like, step up and be a good mom. Don't pull this crap on your daughter. But I can't tell if it is just because my standards are too high because I have such awesome parents, or because Carol really is falling below the mark.
And it really makes me sad, because I know how much Carol's opinion means to Chandra. Like, she would love it for her mom to be supportive and be happy about her decision. She desires that, and it is evident, but everything Carol does tells Chandra that she isn't good enough, and that she is not as special as Janardan. And that really makes me sad.
01 August 2008
The Wonderful World of the Kitchen
I offered to make dinners everyday but Wednesday and Sunday. (Really I wouldn't mind making meals Sunday, but it seems like people generally eat dinner while I am at church, so that wouldn't really work. Wednesday Janardan and I have a presumable date night, though we often end up going swimming instead of out to eat, so Wednesdays I could cook still generally). Anyway, so this week I have been making meals pretty much every night. Monday night, I think, I made dinner and Art said, "That was nice." I really didn't know how to gauge his reaction. I was flattered, but also confused. I didn't know if like...Carol had told him to say something nice and so that is why he was saying it, or if he really thought it was nice, or some weird manipulation.
Tonight, though, it became a little more clear. He asked me what was in the various things I had made today and yesterday, seeming interested so he could duplicate them sometime. And then when he was getting up from the table, he said, "That was nice. Last night too." Then he couldn't stay serious too long, "What's for dinner tomorrow?" A joking question (though of course if I had an answer he wanted it). So I told him, "Potato Soup." Anyway, it made me soo happy that he liked what I had made, and was interested in my food. Like...Art is the person in the family that I most respect, and who I most desire admiration from. So him appreciating my food made me very happy.
I was so excited. It made me want to start meal-planning, and so I ran into my room and got my computer, and was like skipping back out into the living room. So I was actually enjoying spending time in the common area where everybody else was. People dispersed pretty quickly, but I got a plan done for two more weeks of meals, without repeating any meals thus far. So if variety is desired, variety will be had.
On another note, I recognized this morning part of the reason that I hole up in my bedroom throughout the day. Janardan and I had gone out to the family room, and were enjoying a nice quiet morning. Then his mom came out, and it was fine having her out there too. But a few minutes after she was out there, she turned the tv on, and it ruined my enthusiasm for the morning. It was no longer quiet, and there was no longer the opportunity for the sharing of nice conversation and sharing of space and time. So in conclusion - there is too much tv in this house. Like...I like television. I like watching shows and whatever. But having the tv running just to have something to do at all hours of the day...well...I don't like it, but I do understand it. Before we all moved in here, Carol was pretty much living here by herself when Art was gone all the time. And there is a lot of quiet to fill in with noise. But I think she is missing out on what she could be having now, and could have been having for many years before, by having the tv on as much as she does. I can't ignore it, and so I can't stand staying out there for a long time. It like kills my brain.
But for now, I am happy.
Tonight, though, it became a little more clear. He asked me what was in the various things I had made today and yesterday, seeming interested so he could duplicate them sometime. And then when he was getting up from the table, he said, "That was nice. Last night too." Then he couldn't stay serious too long, "What's for dinner tomorrow?" A joking question (though of course if I had an answer he wanted it). So I told him, "Potato Soup." Anyway, it made me soo happy that he liked what I had made, and was interested in my food. Like...Art is the person in the family that I most respect, and who I most desire admiration from. So him appreciating my food made me very happy.
I was so excited. It made me want to start meal-planning, and so I ran into my room and got my computer, and was like skipping back out into the living room. So I was actually enjoying spending time in the common area where everybody else was. People dispersed pretty quickly, but I got a plan done for two more weeks of meals, without repeating any meals thus far. So if variety is desired, variety will be had.
On another note, I recognized this morning part of the reason that I hole up in my bedroom throughout the day. Janardan and I had gone out to the family room, and were enjoying a nice quiet morning. Then his mom came out, and it was fine having her out there too. But a few minutes after she was out there, she turned the tv on, and it ruined my enthusiasm for the morning. It was no longer quiet, and there was no longer the opportunity for the sharing of nice conversation and sharing of space and time. So in conclusion - there is too much tv in this house. Like...I like television. I like watching shows and whatever. But having the tv running just to have something to do at all hours of the day...well...I don't like it, but I do understand it. Before we all moved in here, Carol was pretty much living here by herself when Art was gone all the time. And there is a lot of quiet to fill in with noise. But I think she is missing out on what she could be having now, and could have been having for many years before, by having the tv on as much as she does. I can't ignore it, and so I can't stand staying out there for a long time. It like kills my brain.
But for now, I am happy.
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